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fluttering beats in the dark

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:: 2020 31 March :: 3.25 pm

I just wish I had someone to talk to, who said more than just "ok" or nothing. I have animals for that.

this is why I don't trust anyone, or open up, or share. because people always just are hard like rocks or prickly like porcupines when literally all I want is a hug and for someone to say "I know how you feel, and I hope it gets better for both of us" and maybe idk.. actually try to relate to me? rather than just making me feel like an idiot for even trying to share.

are you reaching out

:: 2020 25 March :: 11.55 am

happy birthday

1 night time trust fall | are you reaching out

:: 2020 23 March :: 3.38 pm

I hate myself with every fiber of my being.

why are these decisions so hard?

are you reaching out

:: 2020 13 March :: 12.43 pm

I know my heart should guide me but,
There's a hole within my soul

What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?

2 night time trust fallnight time trust falls | are you reaching out

:: 2020 13 March :: 8.41 am

almost to our 4 year anniversary and finally starting to plan on moving in together

we both have a lot of trepidation as we are concerned our personalities might clash living together. we both enjoy our own time apart, but also enjoy each other's company.

I've been on edge lately. we went to Corry's grave last weekend and it filled me with sorrow, grief, regrets and introspection. I wish I had done more to help him, taken him to follow up appointments. he is buried next to his dad, who literally died the year before. so much heartbreak. I miss you.

and that just tore open the flood gates for all my other negative emotions. I just feel terrible about myself, and everything seems to freak me out. this move is scary because of my past with roommates. this move is scary cuz I still have a bit of debt and I'd like to not have that hanging over me. I'm nervous about living with a 19 year old.

but I'm excited to start my life with him, and excited for the future, and I want to stay that way. it's just hard to overcome my negative thoughts.

idk what to do. stay here longer? move out now? wait for the bubble to pop and buy a house and live there?

I wish I knew. I wish I had a sign.

are you reaching out | Random Journal