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fluttering beats in the dark

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:: 2019 21 July :: 10.24 am

I don't think I want this for the rest of my life.

why is alcohol so important in America and why can't they all just stop being alcoholics?

the bathroom still smells like puke.


are you reaching out

:: 2019 18 July :: 6.22 am

been feeling a lil better lately, like the dark cloud is passing for now.

if only it would go away forever

are you reaching out

:: 2019 8 July :: 10.52 pm

As a child I was taught that to tell the truth was often painful. As an adult I have learned that not to tell the truth is more painful, and that the fear of telling the truth -- whatever the truth may be -- that fear is the most painful sensation of a moral life. -June Jordan

1 night time trust fall | are you reaching out

:: 2019 8 July :: 12.53 pm

I wish I could have been born a cookie cutter happy robot who enjoyed getting wasted with strangers.

my life would be so much easier.

I wouldn't be losing my job.
I wouldn't feel like I have no friends.
I would be able to just live life with nothing but a smile and a blank mind with nothing in it but me me me

2 night time trust fallnight time trust falls | are you reaching out

:: 2019 6 July :: 7.30 am

one friend tries to kill himself and ended up in the ER (glad he didn't succeed, definitely mostly a bad med combo issue.. that stuff really scares me)

another friend trying to kill himself with a failing liver. after spending a week in the ER and being told he can't drink ever again, the dummy never goes to a follow up appointment and is now dying on someone else's couch in the middle of nowhere. like... killing himself with inaction.

it breaks your God damn heart. and you want to help that's all you want to do, but what exactly can one do.. I try to be there, but maybe I'm just not trying hard enough..

or maybe there's no way to stop a train from going off the tracks?

sometimes I feel the same way as them.. the only thing that honestly holds me back is the fear of the unknown of the after. I don't know if I want it to be nothing, hell, or something else. but what I do know is I'm afraid to face all the horrible things I've done, I'm afraid of nothingness, I'm afraid that I won't deserve what I get, that I won't get to see my passed on loved ones again.

I just really hope it's what I imagine it to be, only I don't want to come back this time I just want to turn back into a star and stay there for a while.

fucking plastic.

are you reaching out | Random Journal