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:: 2018 10 August :: 5.21 pm

I deactivated Facebook and Messenger again. Whenever I used Facebook, I constantly compared myself to others - the stages they were in in their lives. I think it contributed to my depression. I wanted to be married and having children and buying a home and starting a career like everyone else was. Social media clearly negatively impacts many individuals and I don't want to be party to that anymore.

I got that job. I have a week of freedom left and I'll be working in Liberty Lake. It's a long commute but oh well. I don't know how I'll like it. I'm not too optimistic but at least it's something. This will help me save up a little as I don't plan on moving out anytime soon if I can help it.

Things are just meh. I enjoy my time I spend with him and apart from that I just kind of float. I hope I have a good time at that wedding tomorrow night.


:: 2018 2 August :: 12.14 pm

Having an anxiety attack... I was thinking I should probably tell someone. Maybe get in-touch with my counselor or tell him or her or her... But I don't want to freak anyone out, or bother anyone. I'm not really sure what to say anyways.

I feel 100% overwhelmed by life right now. I'm doing 'nothing' but the stress of the decisions and the moves I need to make ahead of me are completely immobilizing. I am anxious because I seriously feel my depression coming on again. I want to tell him but he always says he has so much he has to do and I don't want to make his life harder. I also feel like he judges me. He doesn't know why I can't just be happy. Let's see...

I have no money.
I live at home with people who are constantly judging me.
I need a job but I can't find one nor do I really want to work but I need to.
I need to make a career choice that could influence the rest of my life and I don't know what I want to do and I don't know what the best decision is.
I feel like he doesn't really love me because he is so focused on his own life and doesn't care about being part of mine really.
Friends aren't really invested anymore. They don't ever contact me

My depression comes in cycles where I feel wonderful and then just don't. I feel like I'm going a little off the rails. I don't know how to handle it anymore. I feel like I'm going insane.

4 little birds | sing

:: 2018 29 July :: 10.37 am

This lady has me on the hook for this job. She has for a month and a half. She said the interview is supposed to happen next week. She has said that before. It's not even that great of a job. But I can't find anything else that will pay me like she might. I'm not sure I even want to work yet. I'm bored and stuff and I need money...but I wish I took him up on the offer he made so long ago. And now it's not on the table.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I go up and down so often... maybe I should ask my counselor about bipolar disorder. But perhaps I'm just the dangerous kind of "impulsive" after years of hemming and hawing. I get tired of having not made a definitive position and then I jump into what I think others expect of me or I only look at the bad and run away from something that can be mended.

But then I try and mend things that I know are not good for me.

It's a dangerous cycle and I'm not sure how to move forward. I want to. I want it to be everything. Lately I've been noticing how friendships are kind of surface for me at times or the interactions are so few and far between that they don't seemingly have an impact on me like they used to. It's odd how growing up can make you see that you are the only one who is going to move your life in any direction and that, while friends are supportive and fun to spend the days with, no progress will be made with them.

So I'm looking at the person that progress will be made with. Family is foundation. And I want to put him there. And I want to give him everything. But I've fucked up and have had my depression take over what little hope I had before. Now that it's there, he isn't convinced.

So we're just waiting on both of us, separately. Our progress is waiting on moving myself forward in my own life and him doing the same. And honestly? It's fucking agonizing. In-part because of dreadful loneliness that has no cure but his company. In-part because I have that cycle above and have hemmed and hawed over career options for such a long time. I think about certain things I want to do and then I'm not sure if I'll like them in practice. So I think, what is a way I can get there? Job shadow? Go pro? How do you propose that to companies in a way that will benefit them? I don't want to get myself into something I won't actually like.

Life is so god damned challenging. I have made so many bad choices and now I have to really think about how those choices have impacted everything. Why can't it just be a little bit easier?


:: 2018 19 July :: 10.14 pm


:: 2018 4 June :: 4.46 pm

After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.

And now, for sleep. All the sleep. u.u zzz


:: 2018 30 May :: 6.30 pm

My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.


:: 2018 19 May :: 10.43 pm

It's a get-fucked-up kinda night.


:: 2018 16 March :: 2.38 pm

If I stay with this momentum, I should be at goal weight by September's end.


:: 2018 15 March :: 11.59 am

Processing all of this is going to take me a long time.


:: 2018 11 March :: 9.26 pm

I always feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm always wearing a mask. I can't be myself ever. One thing or another comes up that makes it clear that I was never really welcome at all.

And almost everyone I open myself up to, at some point, stops caring.

I'll never be okay.

sing | Random Journal