friends | profile | guestbook

Useless Ramblings

recent entries | past entries

:: 2022 11 November :: 10.54 pm

He really needed to talk to Tony about whether or not his arm could be made to stretch. Clint had made him watch Inspector Gadget and now Bucky had ideas!

leave a comment

:: 2022 14 April :: 8.49 pm

"I would totally bang the shit out of her, but I wouldn't like it."

leave a comment

:: 2021 7 September :: 8.44 pm

"Wanna beer?"

"They got anything from a microbrewery?"

"Doubt it. In this county, we kick midgets, and they ain't dumb enough to put up with that, so what shorty's gonna run a brewery round here?"

leave a comment

:: 2021 30 July :: 4.38 pm

Saying of the day, "easy as a pixie's snatch."

leave a comment

:: 2020 5 May :: 6.03 pm
:: Music: Rise Against: Savior

"Merlin's saggy bollocks," Ron swore softly.

leave a comment

:: 2019 24 February :: 8.05 pm

Insult of the day: twisted cheese eating gnome.

leave a comment

:: 2018 5 January :: 6.19 pm

What happened to your eye?

I was attacked by a figgy pudding while having spontaneous sexual intercourse.

leave a comment

:: 2017 29 October :: 4.07 pm

I'm not scared. I'm rationally concerned.

leave a comment

:: 2016 14 January :: 5.16 pm

Nothing like responding to a war chant with big swinging dicks.

leave a comment

:: 2016 1 January :: 6.21 pm

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

leave a comment

:: 2015 9 December :: 8.45 pm

“You look—like you got a facial from a smurf.”

leave a comment

:: 2015 9 December :: 8.34 pm

“You know what I like after sex?”


“Ice cream.”

leave a comment

:: 2015 13 September :: 9.26 pm

When was the last time you went to a family reunion where the police and fire department showed up?

leave a comment

:: 2015 22 March :: 1.11 pm

It's long, hard, tasty.
Going where others cannot.
What, what, in my butt.

leave a comment

:: 2014 15 November :: 7.19 pm


Come for the name, stay for the desserts.

leave a comment

:: 2014 19 September :: 6.54 pm

"That's neither dinner nor sex," Derek said. "That's ice cream."

"You only say that because you've been doing both wrong."

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2014 27 July :: 9.04 pm

"Oh come on, everybody's come across porn with thicker objects in an orifice than a few penises."

leave a comment

:: 2013 21 March :: 12.08 am

Doesn't that sound better than getting into a slap fight with the world's largest penis?
Justin Timberlake

leave a comment

:: 2012 12 November :: 2.23 am

Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according
to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as

Dear Dr. Laura

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don.t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn.t we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

leave a comment

:: 2012 5 November :: 1.08 pm

The man known to a generation of Americans as "The Science Guy" is condemning efforts by some Christian groups to cast doubts on evolution and lawmakers who want to bring the Bible into science classrooms.
Bill Nye, a mechanical engineer and star of the popular 1990s TV show "Bill Nye The Science Guy," has waded into the evolution debate with an online video that urges parents not to pass their religious-based doubts about evolution on to their children.
Christians who view the stories of the Old Testament as historical fact have come to be known as creationists, and many argue that the world was created by God just a few thousand years ago.
Are you scientifically literate? Take our quiz
"The Earth is not 6,000 or 10,000 years old," Nye said in an interview with The Associated Press. "It's not. And if that conflicts with your beliefs, I strongly feel you should question your beliefs."
Millions of Americans do hold those beliefs, according to a June Gallup poll that found 46 percent of Americans believe God created humans in their present form about 10,000 years ago.Nye, 56, also decried efforts in recent years by lawmakers and school boards in some states to present Bible stories as an alternative to evolution in public schools. Tennessee passed a law earlier this year that protects teachers who let students criticize evolution and other scientific theories. That echoes a Louisiana law passed in 2008 that allows teachers to introduce supplemental teaching materials in science classes.
"If we raise a generation of students who don't believe in the process of science, who think everything that we've come to know about nature and the universe can be dismissed by a few sentences translated into English from some ancient text, you're not going to continue to innovate," Nye said in a wide-ranging telephone interview.
In the video he tells adults they can dismiss evolution, "but don't make your kids do it. Because we need them." Posted by Big Think, an online knowledge forum, the clip went viral and has 4.6 million views on YouTube. It has garnered 182,000 comments from critics and supporters.
It drew the ire of the creationism group Answers in Genesis, which built a biblically based Creation Museum in Kentucky that teaches the stories of the Old Testament and has attracted headlines for its assertion that dinosaurs roamed alongside Adam and Eve.
The group produced a response video featuring two scientists who say the Bible has the true account of Earth's origins, and that "children should be exposed to both ideas concerning our past."
Nye, who is prone to inject dry humor into scientific discussions, said Earth is about 4.5 billion years old.
"What I find troubling, when you listen to these people ... once in a while I get the impression that they're not kidding," Nye said.

leave a comment

:: 2012 18 September :: 7.43 am

"You can mark my prediction now: A secret recording from a closed-door Mitt Romney fundraiser, released today by David Corn at Mother Jones, has killed Mitt Romney's campaign for president. On the tape, Romney explains that his electoral strategy involves writing off nearly half the country as unmoveable Obama voters. As Romney explains, 47 percent of Americans 'believe that they are victims.' He laments: 'I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.'

"So what's the upshot? 'My job is not to worry about those people,' he says. He also notes, describing President Obama's base, 'These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax.' This is an utter disaster for Romney. Romney already has trouble relating to the public and convincing people he cares about them. Now, he's been caught on video saying that nearly half the country consists of hopeless losers." - Josh Barro, writing for

leave a comment

:: 2012 10 September :: 10.13 pm

Oh no, I faint at the sight of vagina. They're like teranchala faces.

leave a comment

:: 2012 31 August :: 9.49 pm

She's had more balls bounce off her face than a tennis court.
Joan Rivers

leave a comment

:: 2012 20 July :: 11.00 pm

leave a comment

:: 2012 16 July :: 12.00 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

Let me start by saying that the live chat specialist I worked with today was able to help me with my problems. The conversation could have been much quicker, but overall I was satisfied.

But that was not the start of my day with Charter. I called 1888GETCHARTER for help fixing my bill. The representative was argumentative and unwilling to help. I repeatedly asked to speak to his supervisor and after five requests I was told that I would be put on hold. After one hour and 42 minutes of listening to Charter advertisements that contained an exorbitant amount of static/background noise, I was hung up on. Being hung up on is extremely infuriating, especially after nearly two hours on hold.

Why does Charter’s billing always seem to have a mistake? It’s a joke to everyone that I speak to about it. While going through my records for billing I noticed that never more than three months in a row did I pay the same charges, even while I’ve been locked in on promotional rates.

I hope that in the future I will live in an area where Charter will not be my only option for my internet and cable TV needs.

leave a comment

:: 2012 29 June :: 12.02 am

Give me a fat faggot treat with hot cum sauce!

leave a comment

:: 2012 6 February :: 10.40 pm

Maybe trashed. That was hard to spell.

leave a comment

:: 2012 6 February :: 10.37 pm

Drink, drank, drunk. Definatly drunk. giggle.

leave a comment

:: 2012 30 January :: 4.32 pm

It's not masturbating if nothing comes out.

leave a comment

:: 2012 22 January :: 7.52 pm

leave a comment | Random Journal