2020 21 September :: 2.55 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Cascada - Evacuate the Dance Floor
OKay... We'll start small.
Gotta be honest right?... anxious and overwhelmed is not a new new feeling but talking about my feelings intensifies those emotional reactions. I am not even sure anyone will avidly read my posts. knowing people might read them at all intensifies my anxiety.... *deep breath* okay... um. My music is positive. That is a reflection of my emotional state past the anxiety. its not a bad day. Its nice out. I am getting around at some point and taking the dogs up north for a few days. I have no immediate financial concerns or responsibilities to deal with. I have kind of set myself up with a comfortable period for mourning. I know there is no right way to grieve but I feel what I have been doing is not working. I see a pattern of behavior developing that is dangerous for me and I need to try something else... so here this is.... I can already hear the little therapist in my head pushing me to share more... I will try to get there. Today I must start small. Today I miss my brother very much, Today I dont want to cry, but I will. I will also smile and love. Some parts of my day are gonna hurt. It all sucks right now and its so overwhelming.
So here are some of the major thoughts bouncing around my head....
I wonder how my ex is doing in a very passive aggressive way. I have a lot of anger over the person he turned out to be and didn't anything remotely like closure. But given the opportunity I cannot think of anything to say that would be worth the breath. part of me hopes he is doing bad cause I think he is a dickbag and its be nice if karma were real. but, also, part of me hopes he is doing well. Im not a soulless harpie who just stops caring for someone instantly.... I think thats all fairly normal after a break up.
I worry alot about how my younger brother is grieving and what he has lost. I stress about not knowing what to do or say to help him.
and there has been so much change lately I feel like I am left without a direction to move in. I cant even see whats out there my head is so foggy.... and I am afraid Im going to stay frozen... and overwhelmed...and not move anywhere.... and loose time.
time is too precious to waste like that...
so on that note. I am going to go pack for the woods. Just me and the dogs spending a few days in "sanctuary". That is what it is for me. Home. 20 acres in newaygo and a little pop up I renovated. I plan taking the dogs fishing in the canoe on Wednesday. its supposed to 77. post again when I am home.
2 YoYos |
2020 21 September :: 2.24 pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Mnt Joy - Silver Lining
Hello Ghosts of the Past.
... can you hear me?
I cant believe this place is still a thing.... I am extremely happy it is. I need a safe place to document all the shit floating around in my head before I drown in it.... So much dramatic change in such a short time. So much grief and emotion to deal with. It fucking sucks. That's the nature of the beast. Life carries on. Weather you want to deal or not. Its fucking hard... and this journal holds me grammatically responsible. I love that... no half thought out, momentary, spaz blabbery, posted out to a mass of judgmental, surface-deep, cyber sharks.... okay, maybe. ;)... fucking old school emojies <3.... a safe space. What is safer then an online journal from high school? where some of my closest friends and family could come read if they so choose? forcing me to open up the door just a bit to those who could most certainly be considered safe..... Wow... Where the fuck do I start? lol
2 YoYos |
2012 24 February :: 10.13 pm
I cannot wait for spring! Why? cause that is when construction on our new apartment begins. I will finally be able to paint, put down carpet, help mom build a bathroom with a rainfall shower and a kitchen area. Not to mention the our own front door complete with lock. I am so excited and so tired of this basement!!!
3 YoYos |
2012 2 February :: 9.45 pm
My mom took me tanning for 10mins today. She thought it would help with my seasonal depression. Nope. I'm burnt. My back is on fire and I just want to go lay in the snow.
2012 29 January :: 10.18 pm
My poor lillyAna has an upper respiratory infection. His eyes are all goopy and swollen. It's pure torture to watch knowing the only thing I can do is keep him warm and keep his eyes clean. The general rule is if it doesn't clear up in 5 days then take him to the vet. I don't know if I can wait that long. He really isn't acting sick other then the goopy eyes. He still spent all afternoon playing with toys and eating twice his body weight. It just looks really nasty. I'm just at a loss.
Oh. for anyone confused by this post, LillyAna is my moms gender confused cat.