2018 4 October :: 8.23 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Sail" by AWOLNATION
*insert witty title for this entry here*
Hello my loyal minions! (Read: That one random person who happens upon my journal and doesn't immediately click away... xD)
I had an interesting thought today while I was, of all things, working on compiling the music list for my wedding, which is officially less than 3 weeks away. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm indulging in vodka as I write this. xD
For some reason, my brain decided to fixate on the idea of self-hatred tonight. Why? Because I hate myself. Nice, plain, and simple. x3
As someone who deals with a lot self-hate and over-criticizing myself, I felt the need to spell out a couple of assumptions that others seem to have. Of course, this is only in regards to my OWN personal experiences.
First off, hating myself doesn't make me incapable of loving other people. Like I spelled out in my last entry, there's a big difference between thinking badly of yourself and having no self-respect. I have a very bittersweet relationship with myself. I love myself enough to know that I deserve respect and decency from others, and to not be taken advantage of by people.
But in the deepest, most personal corners of my life, when people aren't looking, I judge myself on everything I do. I talk myself down, beat myself up, and am my own worst enemy. It's a struggle I face every single day. I can see the good in me objectively, and KNOW there are good qualities in me, but I never quite... feel them? It's a complete out of body experience when I look at myself in that way.
Another thing that might sound strange is that hating myself doesn't mean that I'm unhappy. I do struggle with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, and some days are definitely worse than others, but overall, I live a fairly happy life. I have an amazing support system in the form of a loving husband-to-be, an amazing family, and wonderful friends. I'm extremely lucky to have them all. <3 But even in the worst case, if I didn't have those things, I still feel like my brain is wired to find the best in the worst, and to laugh even when things seem absolutely hopeless.
I'm not saying it's good to hate yourself, or that you should settle for feeling that way. I just wanted to bring validation to people like me who are judged for feeling the way they do toward themselves. So many times I've heard "you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself", and I'm sorry, but I don't fully agree with that sentiment.
I do believe that you should KNOW yourself, and that you should RESPECT yourself, but I think the idea of LOVING yourself is too over-simplified. People like me might struggle all their lives to love themselves. Some might finally get there, others might only get to the point of seeing SOME good in themselves, and others might never get anywhere close. It doesn't mean that they're broken and incapable of loving others, and I think it's damaging to say otherwise.
AGH. That's enough serious talk for today. Besides, did I mention... WEDDING IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS?! My brain is practically fried with all the planning. I'm surprised it worked well enough to develop that thought. Music choices, decor crafting, dealing with friend and family drama... I'll be surprised if I remain sane until the wedding. ;)
Nah, I kid. I'm sane. Completely. Totally. *twitch*
Until next time, stay cool kids!
Spare Some Change?
2018 20 September :: 5.31 am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "Dancing On Broken Glass" by Poets of the Fall
It was a long and winding road that led us here...
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not nearly that wise and insightful. x3
Yet again, years have come and gone, leaving the dust to settle on this little safe haven of my soul. I suppose it's time to update all of my horribly dedicated fans of all the updates in my life. *in a room of deafening silence, one random dude stands up and "whoo"s* Heheheh... thanks Steve... ^^;;
Well, I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the fact that, in one month's time, I'm getting married!! :3 Yeah, it turns out that crazy fool I was talking about in my last few journal updates was actually insane enough to stick with me all this time, and about 2 years ago, asked me to marry him. x3
Now, I could sit here and mush about all of that, but considering how much ACTUALLY planning our wedding has already killed my soul, I think I'll settle for mildly talking him up. :P No, but in all seriousness, he's amazing. We've been together for going on 4.5 years now and he's my absolute best friend and the best partner I could ever dream of. We've been through some crazy shit, but here we are, stronger than ever. I've never been the most confident or trusting person, but with him, I have complete trust and confidence and no doubt in my mind that for the rest of my life, even when everything else seems against me, he'll be in my corner and I'll be in his. <3 /mush
SO, talking about my fiance is actually a great segue for what brought me back to this humble little journal in the first place. See, earlier tonight, he introduced me to this great site that completely stole my attention away from him for the rest of the night. XD
Originally, he had me check out archive.org to see if any of my old YouTube channel survived after being deleted nearly a decade ago by my ex or his crazy ex-girlfriend, whichever it was. Sadly, while I was able to see my old page, the videos themselves are still gone, but that's okay. I've made peace with that. Hell, maybe I'll remake some of those old videos one day. :P
BUT! What really stole my attention was when I found a few old online journals of mine from like... HALF MY LIFE AGO that were archived. And holy hell... Let's just say they provided HOURS of entertainment for me. I was angsty as FUCK back when I was 14. XD I found myself calling past me out several times like "honey... honey, no..." o.o;;
One thing I noticed is that I had legit ZERO sense of self worth back then. Like, I'm still pretty harsh on myself nowadays. After all, my motto is "go ahead and hate me; you'll still never hate me as much as I hate myself *shrug*". XD Self-depreciating humor is kinda my thing. :P Is there some truth to it? Of course. But unless you're reading my mind (read: "this journal") or you're SUPER close to me, you wouldn't know that. The main difference is that I just stopped letting OTHER people treat me like shit and grew a fucking backbone. Yeah, I'm not perfect, but I'm HELLA proud that I finally learned to love myself enough not to let other people walk all over me. And that's right! I said HELLA. DEAL WITH IT. XD
I was also HELLA (ha... I did it again...) judgy back then. Like, I had some supreme straightedge sense of superiority that actually made me gag a little reading it all. "Look at me! I don't do drugs or smoke or drink and I'm so much better than you!" Bitch, please, your entire stupid journal is about how in love you are with some online boyfriend that you never even met. Get over yoself. Also, your writing sucks. Learn you some grammar! xD
One thing I DID really enjoy, though, was that 14 year old me was ACTUALLY pretty damn funny. Like, a lot of things made me cringe re-reading these old journals, but sometimes I actually laughed non-ironically and was like "HA! I really haven't changed in that regard..." haha! I feel like, as a person, I was definitely an interesting and entertaining character, but I had none of the confidence to back it up.
I also literally just said WHATEVER the fuck I wanted to. I mean, that's the point of a journal, right? But I said it as if anyone reading it at random would actually give a fuck. Like it was the damn "Squallet Show". But that's what really stuck for me.
I realized that I don't ever just rant unfiltered like that anymore. Not to any one person, not to any journal... and my fiance suggested that maybe I should get back into posting, giving myself space to vent and personally work through feelings again. I mean, hell, at the very least, it makes for something great to look back on years from now to see where I was in life and not-so-silently judge myself. ;3
And thus, HERE I AM!! I mean, hell, I even updated my page's layout a bit! You know, mostly because I'm getting old and can't read MICROSCOPIC FUCKING TEXT ANYMORE. And, you know, because we're living in 2018 where the resolution size has either doubled to compensate a widescreen TV or shrunk to fit a mobile device. So hopefully it's at least a... little... easier... to read...? Maybe...? Who knows? I haven't been in the web design field for a while. XD
I thought it would be fun to take one of those dumb surveys I did back in the day on my old journal with my current day answers, but seeing as how this update post is already running pretty long... I'll probably opt to do that one next time. ^^; I'm gonna try to get back into ranting to my bitch heart's content on this thing more regularly, so don't worry, I'm sure you'll get your fill of my life soon enough... you weirdo... o.o;;
Until then, I have wedding planning that needs worked on... *silently sobs into an empty cup of vodka* Just one more month... XD Nah, but for reals, I shall catch you all on the flip slide of the screen. Until then, stay awesome. Squallet... signing off!!
Spare Some Change?
2015 8 May :: 3.38 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant
I swear I'm more than just a giant ball of angst... o.o
I randomly stumbled upon my old blog again. Funny how sometimes you just kind of come back to things like that. I have blog posts going all the way back to 2008, which is absolutely crazy to me. Then again, the Other Realm has been around since 2003, so I really shouldn't be all THAT astounded. xD
The last few posts were just dripping with angst, so I felt that I should actually post something aside from drama. To be fair, my life hasn't really had all that much drama in the past year. x3 Right now, it's Friday and I'm at work... and I just want to go home. I'm tired of staring at HTML. And I'm hungry. :P
What's on my mind lately? I'm glad you asked, nonexistent reader! Colossalcon!!! Pretty much the same thing that's always on my mind this time of year. It's the weekend I look forward to the most every year, getting to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and enjoying our nerdy interests together. Not to mention our drunken adventures. XD It's also going to be Aaron's first Colossalcon ever, so I'm SUPER excited! :D
There's another reason I'm excited about it, BUUUUT I'm reserved to silence for now. x3 Let's just say that it will be a very engaging time. ;3 I'm actually going to be donning two new cosplays this year too, which I'm super psyched for! Aaron, Brittany, and I will be doing a small Fairy Tail group, and I'll also be joining Britt in her Sailor Disney Princess group as Sailor Giselle. I went ahead and commissioned my cosplays from someone who knows what they're doing, because I'd rather pay a bit more and actually look cute. Plus, I like being able to give someone money for doing what they love doing. ^.^
Another thing I'm really excited about? I'm almost out of debt!! xD I've paid off almost everything, except for the money that I owe my ex from when we were living together, and I should be able to pay that off within the next month or two. So I actually find myself with a little spare money to spend, and the ability to ACTUALLY start saving for a house. Life isn't exactly going where I thought it would, but I'm okay with that. I have a home with the man of my dreams, and the future looks pretty bright.
Speaking of which, I'm going to take a moment to rant about this man. Why? Because he's amazing and this place is fairly anonymous as it is, ensuring that our friends and family won't be forced to read all this sap. :3 Throughout the years, I've had quite the string of relationships, some more successful than others. Being with him is completely different from all of those relationships. It makes me see why all the other relationships didn't work, and makes me wonder how I could have ever thought that any of them were the one for me - no offense at all intended to them - most of them are good guys. With him, I just know this is the one for the rest of my life, and I'm so thankful I found him. ^.^ <3
Weeelllll, my boss is back, so I have to cut this a bit short. But at least I've put a little more happy back into this blog. It really needed it. xD Until next time!
1 Wasted Their Money |
Spare Some Change?
2015 4 February :: 9.57 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Always" by Dope
Venting to no one... I've missed it... :/
I hate myself sometimes. A lot of the time actually. I have one person in this world who knows me better than anyone. Who constantly puts up with my shit and still stands beside me. Who loves me despite my countless imperfections. And I know that in him, I've found my soulmate... I just wish I were better for him... Less neurotic and paranoid. Less selfish and judging. More kind and forgiving... I wish I were more like him... Every day I wonder what he sees in me. He's so beautiful inside and out and I'm just not even close to deserving of him. He tells me I've got it backwards, that I'm the one who deserves better, and how wonderful I am... But I just can't see it... I hurt him time and time again without meaning to... And I hate myself for it... I just want him to smile always. He deserves it more than anyone else... <3
Spare Some Change?
2013 13 November :: 5.53 pm
:: Mood: broken
:: Music: "Save Me Once Again" by The Rasmus
I can't do this anymore...
I'm completely broken. I don't remember how it feels to be wanted. To just feel good enough. I feel suffocated... I feel dead... I feel like everything good is gone... :'(
Spare Some Change?
2012 24 September :: 7.12 pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by The Offspring
This volume is already at max? Fuck.
Woohu... It's been too long. o.o;
I've decided that I really need to come back and start ranting here again. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my issues and all of that crap. Talking to people just ends up somehow making things more complicated in the long run. Not only then do you have an audience that you need to keep up to date, but then you have to deal with all of their insignificant judgments. It's easier to just rant to an empty text field on the interwebs. -nod-
Issue number one. I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. Why? Because I probably AM the lowest piece of shit on the planet. >.>;; I've been trying to tell myself that I need to do what makes me happy and learn not to care what other people say about my choices, but when there's so much negativity around, how does one simply block it all out? o.o
For the past year and a half or so, I was in a relationship with this great guy. And by great guy, I don't just mean that he was some nice guy. I mean that he was the most amazing person - the type of person I would be LUCKY to marry someday and the kind of guy I could see raising my future kids.
Well, the point is, we had a great beginning, and then shit all started going wrong for us. Unfortunately, despite the amazing qualities he had, which I consider the important ones (honest, faithful, kind, compassionate, understanding, fun, etc.), he also had a few that wore more on my nerves every day (irresponsible, immature, annoying, etc.).
Suddenly, things that never mattered to me before, like financial security and being responsible and holding a decent job, were suddenly becoming qualities that I wished he possessed. Then again, with him living in my parent's apartment with me and me paying for everything for him with my shitty part time job, of course things changed. I'd never taken care of someone like that before... I was tired of feeling like he was my child and not my boyfriend.
Still... I feel like the most horrible person in the world for ending things with him. Even now, after a decent amount of time has passed and many sob sessions later, I still feel like shit. Especially knowing that he was seriously planning on proposing, and how involved we'd become in each other's lives...
Anger is the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now. And good music. Music helps. xD I'm so emotionally exhausted. And I'm just sick with myself for the things I've done. So no, I really don't need other people telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Trust me, I already know. >.>;
So now I've been seeing this other guy, but it's been complicated since day one. And to be honest, I'm sick of complication. Things with with my ex were so easy and came so naturally. We just started, and already I'm thinking that I should just end it. I don't know. I'm so dysfunctional... And my ex still being in the picture and constantly hitting on me now and trying to get back with me isn't helping any.
God, I fucking hate people. I just wish I could get away from everyone. I haven't been in one of these moods for a long time. I used to be so antisocial, and then suddenly, I was always out hanging out with friends and going on dates and... When the hell did I become such a social person?
Well, now I feel like reverting back to the antisocial me. At least for now. Things were so much easier when I was with my ex. It's like I'm just now noticing how much ending our relationship has kind of killed the me I was starting to get used to... I liked who I was with him. Yeah, I wasn't really going anywhere career-wise and I wasn't accomplishing the goals I really wanted to, but I liked myself as a PERSON for the first time in a long time. Now, I don't really like ANYTHING about me.
Ugh... WHY DOESN'T THIS VOLUME GO ANY HIGHER?!
1 Wasted Their Money |
Spare Some Change?
2011 27 April :: 11.53 pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: "American Idiot" by Green Day
I feel like bouncing off the walls!!
That pretty much sums up my mood right now.
Less than a month until commencement.
This last semester has been HELL.
It's STILL hell. SO MUCH TO DO.
BUT I'M GOING TO DO IT!! :o
I'm... so tired...
I don't know why.
I slept so much last night... o.o
But I'm no good doing a ton of work if I'm doing it half asleep.
So I think I'll go take a nap and just get up really early...
Getting into a relationship right now...
Probably a dumb idea... xD
Eh, I suppose I'll live.
Besides, he makes me super happy.
And I deserve a little happy.
Damn straight I do.
Here's a list of shit I need to get done relatively soon.
1. Write up blurbs for the map locations for our interactive media class's Cleveland project and email them to B-Church.
2. Discussion board posts and responses for my mass communications class. (yes, I managed to put this class off until my last semester somehow)
3. Minor project for mass communications class on the topic of free press versus fair trial.
4. Concepts for programmers quiz for chapter 10.
5. Discussion board posts and responses for concepts for programmers.
6. A SHIT TON of backed up homework for concepts for programmers. Note to self: NO MORE ONLINE CLASSES. They're way too easy to put off.
7. Final essay for mass communications. Oh joy.
8. Final exam for concepts for programmers.
9. Design new personal portfolio site to match new resume and business cards.
10. Fix up and code Ties to Cleveland website for use in portfolio.
11. Design/code sites for John and Mel for use in portfolio.
I'm probably forgetting something...
There's another minor project and the final exam for mass-comm.
Plus the goddamn media visit to the Rock Hall...
Seriously? Is there really a point? o__o;
I kind of have more important things to use my time for...
Also... I'm getting irritated with trying to plan the portfolio show...
Like... we can't order any of the stuff we need until we get some answers...
So really, we can't do ANYTHING yet... x_x;;
Plus, I need to focus on getting my OWN shit together...
The posters and website are looking awesome so far though...
I know the show will be great once we get to it.
But the stress is... ergh. I can't wait until May 13th is over with. o.o
I haven't even ordered my cosplay for Colossalcon yet...
Neither has Kyle... xD
I'm so excited that we're going as Yuki and Zero from Vampire Knight. :D
Now I just wish more people would pay me some money back...
This is what I get for paying for the entire room deposit... ^^;;
ACK!! I need to get my gown taken in too... I've lost 2 inches... >.>;;
Not complaining, it's a good thing. But still.
My ball-gown pretty much falls off me now. xD
On a random note... I'm meeting Kyle's family this weekend...
I'm kind of nervous about that. D:
Buuut we're also going to the IX Center, so that's a good thing! :)
So, super stressed, but in a good mood.
Thank God for Kyle keeping me partially sane. ^^
Gotta tackle up to number 6 on that to-do list by tomorrow afternoon.
The rest should follow rather easily once I get those done.
I'm actually rather excited about the site designing/programming.
Until then... farewell world! :D
Spare Some Change?
2011 5 April :: 12.06 am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Jars" by Chevelle
It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...
Great, now I want to watch Moulin Rouge. ;_;
You know what I find amusing? That apparently men seem to know when you get closer to going off the market. >.>; Seriously.
I had a thing with this guy back in early December. Really started having feelings for the kid. Something almost happened between us and then didn't. I was really disappointed.
Now that a new guy is taking me out and actually taking interest in me, said former flame is now trying to work his way back into the picture. As is a certain ex-boyfriend of mine. o.o;;
Do they just KNOW that I'm getting attention elsewhere or what? xD This new guy is such a sweetheart though. I'm talking over-the-top nerdishly sweet. Not every guy would bow, kiss my hand, call me fair princess, and all those dorky, cute things. I mean, come on, his goodnight text to me tonight was "Bonne nuit Mademoiselle". Adorable doesn't even begin to describe him. :3
Yet, being me, I'm hesitant to even think about getting involved. I got used to being single and bitter toward the idea of relationships and "love". xD
Well, tomorrow will be interesting. Apparently I have plans with said former flame. We'll see how that goes. o.o;; -shakes head-
I'll never understand men. >.>
Spare Some Change?
2011 29 March :: 10.59 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "In Too Deep" by Sum 41
"Maybe we're just trying too hard
When really it's closer than it is too far."
Wow. This song came on shuffle on my playlist, and it's amusing how much one song can really change your mood. I mean, I was in a decent mood to begin with, but this one just brought back a bunch of old memories and makes me want to just jump around like a nerd. :3
So. There are so many thoughts bouncing in my head that I'm really not sure where to start. I've gotten rather optimistic again lately. I've given up on toolbags. This means most of my exes. I really thought there was hope for one of them, but he's shown that he's not worth my time or effort. I can't date a child, so grow up or move on. Bottom line.
This brings up a new dilemma. Okay, it's not really a dilemma, but more so amusing. I've never officially "dated" a guy. It's always been that I just got pretty much straight into a relationship with someone I knew from school. So, now I'm "dating", and it's such a new concept to me, but I kind of like it. :)
I met this new guy, who seems pretty cool. He's pretty much an all-out nerd, which is definitely a plus. He seems really genuine and I just get a good vibe from him. Not putting all my hope in anything, but after going for a while without thinking about someone new in that light, it's a nice break. Any guy willing to be an over-the-top dork and pretty much indirectly call me a princess is worth a shot. ^^
Ahem. So, we went on our first... almost-date. I say almost-date because we decided on doing a group thing first since we were both a little nervous about meeting. As much as I hate to admit it, we did meet online, so yeah. >.>;; My friends suck. They had to tease me most of the time about how I thought he was cute. Haha!
After the almost-date was over, I was afraid maybe he didn't have a good time or something, but to my pleasant surprise, he asked if maybe next time we could do something just the two of us. I gladly agreed. I really want to talk a little more one on one and get to know him better. Still waiting to figure out what we're doing next time. :o
And to think... he's not a Pisces. o.o;; Haha!! Yeah, inside joke. I usually tend to be attracted to Pisces men. *shrug*
On an... awkward note... I ran into Mike today. As in my ex Mike. Ha... Yeah. I just have to laugh at that one. I just see this guy walking from the school to the parking lot with black hair and a leather coat. Just as I'm thinking "Hey, that guy seems kind of cool", it hits me. Shit. That's my ex. xD
I tried being nice. Told him hi, said I wished we still talked. He said we could always still be friends and that he hasn't talked any crap about me since the one thing he said that upset me. Pinky swore it. I want to believe him, but who knows. *shrug* Maybe he's capable of being a better friend than he was a boyfriend? Time will tell, I guess.
This reminds me. There are a few people I'd like to write to. I feel like I need to make things right with a few people. At least if I extend my words to them and they don't accept them, I can say I tried. Jim is one of those people. He really was a good person, and deserved better than how I treated him. I don't miss him romantically, but I do miss him as an individual. I don't think we were compatible as a couple, but that doesn't mean he was a bad guy. I was immature and wrong. Hell, I'm still immature, but I'm growing and trying to do better.
Being single has been a good learning experience. I should write a book. "The Single Me" or something. Haha! Single me has hardly had any free alone time lately. My weekends are all spent out with my friends now, weekdays are spent in class and doing work. Having friends makes one kind of broke though. x.x;; It's okay. I still love them. :P
Alright. I think I've ranted enough about new interests, old tools, and my awesome friends. I'm getting too distracted as it is. I have work I need to finish.
This is Squallet, signing off. :)
Spare Some Change?
2011 25 February :: 2.47 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Spellbound" by Lacuna Coil
Oh, by the way...
Those entries I wrote about my ex make me puke a little.
Well, part of me wants to puke, the other part laughs.
I feel a little ashamed to have been so hurt by someone so not worth it.
Oh well. Live and learn I suppose.
The next time I feel that way...
Well, there won't be a next time. I promise myself that.
If a man ever does that again, he's not worth my care.
If ever a worthy man comes along...
Well, let's just say I'm still holding my breath on that one. ;P
Spare Some Change?
2011 25 February :: 12.44 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Oblivion" by Entwine
I'm so stupid it kills me sometimes...
I feel about five years older just since my last Woohu entry. >.> Maybe it's just that I'm becoming a lot more realistic and bitter towards people. xD Life lately has been nothing but school, friends, and sleep. No complaints though.
That dumb romantic side of me still seems to be lacking, but I'll live. No man ever seems to live up to my standards anyway. Is it too much to ask for a man to NOT be a compete tool? Just curious. o__o
I had a random shitty dream last night. It threw me off for the entire day. It was actually about an ex of mine, so it's had me a little worried. When I dream about bad things, sometimes they tend to happen. :\ So far, I've never had any tragic bad dreams. It's usually just relationship issues. xD
I feel like a complete 180 from my last entry. >.>; I'm like "Really? I was counting on that? I got my hopes up? Why?" x.x;; *shakes head*
I've made some awesome new friends, namely the people I'm rooming with for Colossalcon. :3 I've accepted that at least if I'm going to be single for life, at least I'll have cool friends. XD I'm in a very instrumental soundtrack mood right now... o.o
Okay, so something amusing happened today. Said person who I once cared for, well, his brother said something stupid. I just shrugged it off; it didn't really bother me. Actually, what bugged me was that his brother noted my existence more than he did. >.>;
Tell me then why he felt the need to apologize for what his brother said? Seriously? You haven't even been talking to me. Don't act like you care when clearly I've already accepted that you don't. Face it. I could cease to exist and you wouldn't even notice. Everything else in your life is so GOD DAMN important, and I am SHIT.
Bottom line? You're not worth my time.
Which makes it all the more aggravating that it still bothered me. >.> Sure. Go ahead. Tug the heartstrings. Call me that nickname you haven't called me in months. :\ Make me think you MIGHT actually give a fuck. You don't, so don't act like it.
Here's the deal. If you care, fucking say so, and then ACT like it. If not, don't waste my fucking time. I don't have the time or the patience for games anymore.
Man, this is the longest I've been single in a long time. It's made me really see how tired I am of the 'game'. I just want a kind man with good intentions. Really, that's honestly all I ask for. If a man's intentions are good, most other positive qualities follow.
I want someone who actually fits with me and is like my missing puzzle piece. I've never found that guy who compliments me well. You know, that relationship where people look at you two and go "you were made for each other". I know very few couples like this, but I consider them very lucky. I would give anything for that kind of relationship.
I guess that's why I'm very picky now. Now that I'm single, I can step back and look at people objectively. If I don't see that kind of potential, I'm not going to waste my time and energy on it. Oh GOD. Now I'm starting to sound like Mike. Fml. Seriously.
Is it so much to just ask that a guy genuinely care and show that he does? I'm sick of feeling like everyone's personal joke. Like, yeah, we get it. Some guy screwed me over and left me for someone who pretended to be my friend. Tee hee! It's funny! Joke's on me! I'm over it. What bothers me is that people are still fucking talking about it. It's old, people. Move on.
Now it just feels like everyone's against me. Okay, I'm exaggerating, and on top of it, I'm probably just being a little paranoid. I know there are a few people in my life who would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, and I'm thankful for them. I just wish I could find a romantic relationship like that too, where I knew I could actually put my trust in that person.
I want the kind of guy who does completely stupid guy-like things and irritates the crap out of me sometimes, but then does something incredibly cute that he reminds me why I care about him. A guy who calls me or leaves me a message just because he was thinking about me and missed me. A guy who feels himself in just a t-shirt and a pair of beat up jeans, who may not have a dime to his name but will sure as hell walk across town to see me if he had to. Hell, if my dad could do it for my mom, some guy can do it for me too. I could care less if we bicker to no end, as long as at the end of the day, he can still give me a big hug and tell me he loves me all the same and nothing will change that. More than anything, I want a guy who knows what he wants and won't say or do things just to please me. Be REAL and be YOU. If it means we fight, then we fight. Stand your ground with me and I'll love you. ♥
The funny thing is that no matter how much that kind of relationship is what I want most, I'm not doing anything about it. Could I? Yeah. Is it worth dealing with? Not at this point. What's the point in asking out some random guys that I'm really not all that into? Admittedly, they're nice guys, we have common interests, they're attractive, and we might be compatible. But I guess they just don't put that same little spark in me that I felt before.
I seriously can't stand this kid anymore. Alright, I know he's a few years older than me, but I'm going to call him a kid, because that's just how I roll. I was finally accepting that he doesn't give a fuck, and was dealing with it, not thinking about him on a daily basis anymore, etc. Now I'm over-analyzing things again.
Somehow, despite the "I can't stand him" thing, I saw it as "Wow, for once, a guy is kind of defending my honor", something none of my past boyfriends really did. >.>; So I got to thinking "Isn't that something you do when you care about someone?" My heart feels so foreign to the concept of caring anymore. xD
Then those STUPID feelings came back. How is it I can spend weeks, even MONTHS trying to bury them, and they just come back up with ONE simple comment?! >.< Feelings are stupid. Out of nowhere, I had butterflies in my stomach, my heart squeezed like a fucking sponge, I had goosebumps and shivers, and a little spark was put back in me. Why him?! Is this God's idea of a joke? Because honestly, that's the only conclusion I can come to. o__o Those two words seem to be resounding in my mind. Why... him... Fuck this intuitive crap. It's really starting to piss me off.
Thinking about the possibility makes me feel a bit more like my old self, which is a nice break from the bitter realist I've been lately, but still. It's probably just false hope. Uh oh, my realist is showing again. ;D
I wish he'd just call me. Say hey. Ask how my day is going. Suggest that we just hang out or something. I'm not initiating anymore. I've tried striking up conversation, asking him to hang out. I've done my part, I've showed my interest. It's not my turn anymore. It's like a game. You can't play chess on your own. He says he doesn't play the emotions game. Well, I hate to say it, but life is one big game. It's just a matter of enjoying it, and winning it in your own sense.
I'm just waiting for checkmate. One of us is going down. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be me. The funny part? I won't be the loser. I guess in this case, to win is to lose, and to lose is to win. You can't gain anything without letting your guard down and taking a chance. If you keep up your walls, you're just going to lose. This entire paragraph has been what happens when my brain shuts off and I just keep babble-typing.
Then again, it's hard to think coherently when I have Hatebreed screaming "destory everything!!!!" in my ear. *shrug*
Well, this journal entry has served its purpose. I'm a lot more chill now that I've ranted, so all is good. Alright, all isn't good, but it's a start.
I'm tired, and I have a ton of crap to do before leaving town tomorrow. I'm going to go take a nap. Yes, a nap, because I'm going to wake up at 5 AM and get back to work on this shit I need to do. Here's hoping that this guy can eventually grow up and quit being such a fucking toolbag. I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know.
Spare Some Change?
2011 25 January :: 2.48 am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "The Lovers Are Losing" by Keane
I think the music works as a subject... o.o
So, I was pleasantly surprised actually.
He didn't break our plans, and we hung out and had a good time.
I just wish I knew why I came home and still ended up crying. :\
I didn't even want to be home. I just sat in the hallway for a good ten minutes.
I have options, really I do. But none of them interest me.
No matter what, I find my mind wandering back to him.
I guess my heart's made up my mind for me.
Until he's ready, love isn't an option for me.
I'm not the waiting kind, so I wish he could see that that means he's special to me.
As if my opinion matters. x3
Everyone seems to say, "Give it time. He'll come around."
I just wish he'd open up and let me inside like he did before.
At least if he'd talk to me about how he felt, I'd know.
I hate the uncertainty of everything.
Keeping me on edge much?
I actually went out afterward with an old friend I haven't seen in YEARS!
We managed to make it downtown and back in less than half an hour. xD
It actually put me in a much better mood too. :P
So here's hoping that things get better with time.
I don't mind the wait; It's the uncertainty that drives me crazy.
But, I guess that's the risk I'm taking.
I hope he's worth it. ♥
Spare Some Change?
2011 24 January :: 6.45 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Blind" by Lifehouse
So where else do I turn?
To Woohu of course.
I really don't have much to say honestly.
My heart just feels really heavy right now.
My stomach keeps turning and my eyes keep looking at the clock.
Why am I so worried? I wish I knew.
I know I said I wouldn't get my hopes up this time. But I can't help it.
I know there's more than meets the eye.
... like Transformers. o__o
Well, here's to getting all dressed up for nothing. -raises invisible glass-
Who knows? Maybe it'll be different this time.
Spare Some Change?
2011 10 January :: 6.45 am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: "Made of Metal" by Dream Evil
This proper sleeping schedule is weird to me.
So it's 6:47 AM and I'm wide awake.
Why? Because I went to bed at about 7 PM last night.
Wtf is up with that? XD
I'm working on a new playlist.
I've been in a very metal mood lately.
Therefore, for a while, I'll probably put it up here.
There's one more week of winter break left.
I don't know if I'm dreading school or looking forward to it.
I'm looking forward to having something to do during the day.
I'm not looking forward to going back to school for something I don't want to do.
I only have one more semester left until I get this degree.
But after thinking about it, I've decided I want to completely change my career path.
Fucking brilliant, no?
I've been wondering for a while why the hell I'm in a design field.
I'm not that creative.
Yes, I have talent, but my creativity is limited. xD
Also, I have to laugh at my last entry.
I can't believe I actually really fangirled that much. ^ ^;
It turns out he pretty much tries to respond to everyone.
I think that's really awesome of him. :3
I really don't know what else to rant about.
I've kind of given up on the one person I really cared for romantically.
Ok, secretly I haven't, but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I have.
Sure, I have the perfect little daydream of how I wish things would unfold.
But I'm not really counting on that coming true.
I guess that's the risk you take with having hope.
But what's life without hope, right?
I may seem cynical at times, but the truth is, I'm fairly optimistic.
You have to be in this world.
In truth, I can find the light side in just about the darkest times.
Yeah, I believe in this silly thing called love.
As long as the world has some left, there's always hope. ♥
Spare Some Change?
2011 1 January :: 8.39 am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: "I Can't Read You" by Daniel Bedingfield
8:23 AM on January 1st, 2011.
Daniel Bedingfield responded to me on Facebook!!
Yeah, so I'm having a minor fangirl moment, sue me! :P
Can you blame me?! I've adored his music since MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!
So... I'm officially super giggly and happy!!
What a way to break in the new year!! ♥
It's actually quite funny because I'm not the type to fangirl like that.
But he responded "thank you darling" to my wishing him a happy New Year's.
And I admit it. I squeed. Like... a genuine "SQUEEE!!"
Thus, this entry being titled "SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!"
Carrying on with the rest of my day now. ^^;;
And... eating Froot Loops.
2011 is looking pretty good right about now. xD
Spare Some Change?
2010 27 December :: 4.19 am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "Frozen" by Delain
I never thought of picket fences...
Only a lifelong friend.
I thought of comfort and warmth.
Lifelong happiness between two friends.
That's the future I thought of when I thought of you.
No flowing gowns or white picket fences.
Just abundant smiles and laughter.
Walks in the park and snowball wars.
A best friend to just share everything with.
But now it seems just an empty, childish dream.
Soon you'll be gone, just like the rest.
And I don't even know what to think anymore.
You truly are one of a kind.
And somehow, you stole my heart.
Keep it. I can't think of anyone I'd trust with it more.
All I wish is for you to be happy.
And I wish that I could make you smile every day.
That's all I want...
So please, don't choose solitude...
Your heart's too precious to just keep locked away...
I'll never push you again.
I want the decision to be yours alone.
And if that time ever comes, I'll be here. <3
Spare Some Change?
2010 23 December :: 8.08 pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "From That Point On" by Revis
Meh. Yes, meh. xD
I hate to say it, but Mike's probably right.
We have all our lives.
I think I'm just used to people coming and going in life.
Having someone who plans on sticking around is a new concept for me. o.-
What I do know for sure is that I really want to get to know him better.
Also, that I won't just up and walk away from things.
I plan on being there for him and being a lifelong friend.
I've realized that's what I want in the long run anyway.
Sure, I'd love to build a relationship with him one day.
But what good is it without a good friendship as the foundation?
We did take things too fast, and I have a problem with doing that a lot.
I appreciate that he's shown me that, and helped me overcome it.
Actually, this is the best I've felt in a really long time.
For once, I feel like me and him are sort of on the same page. :]
It's good to know that he's going to stick around through thick and thin. :D
Psst. Between you and me Woohu, I don't see things not working out between us one day.
But shhhh, don't tell him that. ;3
That day doesn't have to be any day soon though, and I'm okay with that.
I've gotten some great writing material out of the past few weeks btw.
And me and John have some new music in the works. :]
I'm super excited to record a new original piece, and with my new studio quality microphone! :D
Wow... this good is much needed after the past week.
Oh, and I realized that I enjoy playing Smackdown vs. Raw... XD
I never thought I would, but I do.
I got to bring my fictional characters to life as wrestlers.
It's pretty nerdy and awesome, all at once. :3
Btw... Revis totally needs to have a show in Cleveland.
Just saying. ;D
Spare Some Change?
2010 20 December :: 6.13 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Karmaway" by Taproot
I hate that every time I see your picture, my heart skips a little.
You're so useless.
Man, I really need to stop with this self-pity. xD
Don't be fooled though, I'm actually in a relatively good mood.
Just a little emotional/mushy. :3
Looking forward to seeing Mike later this week... I hope. ^^
Spare Some Change?
2010 17 December :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Bad Habit" by The Offspring
I give up.
People are a fucking constant disappointment.
I'm so sick of this unreliable bullshit.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm just fucking done with people.
Spare Some Change?
2010 15 December :: 10.13 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: "Anywhere" by Evanescence
You know what?
The more I talk to you, the more you seem to drive me crazy.
But then I realize, it's only because of how much I must like you.
And then I kind of have to just laugh about it all.
They say good things come to those who wait.
Well, it officially looks like I'm waiting.
I'd be lying if I said I was 100% over my ex.
But that doesn't mean that my feelings for you aren't genuine.
It kind of hurts that you must probably think that.
Whatever it takes, I'll prove that I'm in it for you.
Every day you push my nerves a little bit, but that's okay.
You know why?
Because it's still you I daydream about before falling asleep at night.
There's so much to learn and so much to teach.
You make me look forward to every day of getting to know you better.
Even if you do just piss me off sometimes. :P
I know it'll probably take a while, but I'll deal with it.
I can't wait for the day your drop your guard with me again.
I miss that sweet, softer side of you that you let me see before.
I just hope that one day you'll show that side to me again.
Until then, I'll just have to show you that I won't give up on you.
I won't just run away.
I'm here for the long run.
Care to join me? :3
Spare Some Change?