2017 25 July :: 8.06 am
Some days I do a really awesome job at managing my life and inner-world, other days it all crashes and burns. Or is on the verge of crashing and burning but I catch it before it does.
That's where we are right now, on a verge. It's funny, being on the verge of crashing always comes right after the time I say "YAY! Look at me! Look at how well I'm coping!"
Overconfidence. It kills every time.
Anyway - I am currently extremely overwhelmed. There's a large move coming up in 8 months, I'm at the very end of my Master's program, my internship site wants to hire me... a lot of changes are happening and some times I do okay with navigating them. Other times it's like "WOAH! Hit the brakes! This is too much!"
Today I hit the brakes. I was supposed to go to internship but I looked at my task list of school assignments due all within the next week or two and got very overwhelmed. So I took a break. I am kind of worried about making sure I finish my internship hours... I know I won't actually finish in time but another week or two after where I won't have classes at all... I'll have a chance to finish them then. Cause I'll have like 30-40 left.
It'll be fine. I keep telling myself it'll be fine.
Cause it will. Life always seems to work out... one way or another. And some times you have to switch around priorities and juggle different things.
I feel guilty for having to draw the line somewhere but I also have an interview today which is already stressing me out. So yeah. Drawing the line here is better than having a breakdown over there. I've had enough of those in the past to know when they're coming. And one is looming... if I let things go unchecked.
That's the difficult part about struggling with mental illness. You try and act like everyone else and keep pace with everyone else but some days you have to slow down and stop.
I hate that. I'm trying to learn to accept it but doesn't mean I don't hate it any less.
Cause slowing down is hard and part of me feels "less than" because I do have to slow down and navigate my life a little differently.
If I don't... then I won't have a life that is worth living at all. It'd be a huge chaotic mess and I'd be having episodes every other weeks and yeah, it'd be bad.
I feel slightly less guilty and slightly less overwhelmed now. I think. Maybe?
I am still an excellent clinician even if I miss a day or two of work. Taking care of me. That's what excellent clinicians do right? Take care of themselves before they can take care of others. And some times that means acknowledging the feelings of being overwhelmed and dealing with them instead of letting them fester into something destructive.
Yes. That's what I am doing, I am acknowledging that right now I am overwhelmed. And I need to take steps to deal with it but also accept that this soon will pass and I'll go back to being okay.
It'll all be fine. It always is :)
2017 10 July :: 6.24 am
dresses and skirts and shirts, oh my!
I think I have a shopping problem. I keep going back and forth with maybe I do and maybe I don't. But let's face it. I probably do.
Let's count how many pieces I have in my wardrobe and let you decide...
2 pairs of capris
1 pair shorts
3 pairs pants
6 tank tops
too many shirts to count off the top of my head
3 or 4 sweaters that are packed away
and an infinite amount of exercise clothing.
So basically I have enough of a wardrobe to rotate through everything on a monthly basis.
I read all these things about having a "minimalist" wardrobe and how it makes people happier, only owning and wearing a few things that you LOVE.
I LOVE most of my clothes. A few of them I really, really like. But I think I LOVE at least half of them. And the sad part is... I go through this cycle of purge wardrobe to only things I LOVE. Realize how small said wardrobe is. Get frustrated wearing the same clothes week after week and a few weeks later... buy more so I don't have to keep wearing the same things.
Then it starts all over. The guilt. The annoyance. Guilt over spending so much on a wardrobe, annoyance over the fact I no longer LOVE most of it. And it goes on. And on. And on.
Stupid thing is, I don't even know if I want to put a stop to it. Even though I know I SHOULD because as a graduate student who is about to graduate into a field that pays very little... I know I won't have the budget for it.
Plus. I am about to move across the world. And can't take a whole lot with me... so maybe I should begin slowly scaling back now? Like maybe a shirt or a dress at a time?
I want to hang on to all of my clothes. Truly. But I know that I can't. I get a lot of guilt knowing I am giving something away that I spent $50-100 and only wore a handful of times.
All the blogs say it's as simple as a decision you make. To wear less. And only wear the things you LOVE. Not really, really like but LOVE. Maybe part of my problem is I purge too many things then feel a scarcity and need to get rid of that feeling. Or I put myself on a huge restriction of "No clothes for a year" and fail within the first month because I rebel... against myself.
Story of my damn life. Rebelling against myself. Haha.
Anyway, my point is maybe my old way of doing things isn't working and maybe I should try a different way.
The other thing is I become obsessed with thinking about outfits. Like what am I going to pair with what for something new and exciting? I think part of me thinks that everyone else will notice because I notice people's outfits and remember them. I don't pass judgement or anything like that, I am an observant person and just notice things like that. So I worry people will be observant like me and maybe they are and maybe they're like me and don't really pass judgement either.
I want more space in my head for other thoughts that aren't clothing related. And I want my mornings to be less hectic. And by less hectic I mean less time deciding what to wear and how to wear it. I've gotten better at this but every now and then I'll spend at least 30 minutes changing between outfits and leave my house feeling frazzled and stressed.
It's an endless cycle. One that I need to work on breaking. As I said, maybe doing it in baby steps is what I need to do.
We're going to try this. Getting rid of two shirts that I really, really like and don't LOVE and not buying anything new from 7/11-8/11. Then we'll go from there.
2017 8 July :: 2.24 pm
here and gone.
I get really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to food. I swear up and down that whatever I eat will kill me, then have a panic attack which then convinces myself that I am actually dying which makes me think... huh. Maybe that food is killing me. Then it keeps going down and down... even if the quiet voice in my head is like "You're okay. Honest."
I don't know what to do about it. It makes me not want to eat a lot because the anxiety gets to be so bad.
For instance, earlier... I made biscuits, that turned out absolutely disgusting. But I ate them anyway because I was in a weird place. And if I put honey on them... they tasted kind of okay. So a lot of them I kept putting honey on and now I swear I am dying from botulism. I'm not shaky from low blood sugar or lack of real food or anything like that. No, I am shaky because I am becoming paralyzed and will slowly not be able to breathe and then I'll die.
I am 99% convinced ya'll.
Even though I know it is not true. Like I know the reason I am truly shaking is because a. I am nervous about writing this and b. because my blood sugar is low cause hello, all I had were disgusting biscuits and honey.
I have to tell this to the panicking stick person running in my head and half the time it doesn't listen. It just runs around and around flailing its arms in the air going "AHHHHH" until it runs into a wall, falls down... only to get up and flail and run around some more.
It's kind of exhausting, I tell you.
It's this daily battle and I am not sure how to get it to stop short of just not eating so there isn't even any panic. But that is not an option.
So I will just continue to try and calm the panicking stick person and try and get it to stop running around arms flailing... but some times it's a losing battle.
Putting it out in the open helped a little. I guess. Maybe?
I don't know.
All I know is something has to change because I can't deal with it anymore. It's exhausting to panic all the time especially over something you can't avoid... like food. I think I understand were the panic comes from but I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if there's anything I can do about that part, the origin of the panic. But the panic itself... I think I can work on managing.
Maybe? I guess I'll keep trying.
2017 4 July :: 9.51 pm
Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?
2014 5 October :: 10.29 am
stevie ray vaughn among other things.
I've been listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn a lot lately and when I say a lot, I mean every time I have access to my iPod, the radio or the computer, it becomes Stevie Ray Vaughn hour.
It seems odd but his music, it speaks to me. Stirs something deep inside my soul that I can't explain. When I listen to him and him wailing on his guitar, I close my eyes, tap my foot and sway along. The surrounding world becomes blank and in that moment, it's just me and Stevie.
There is something to be said about good music, it can touch your soul without having to say anything. It reaches deep down inside you and kindles a fire you don't understand.
When I listen to him, the world around me evaporates and I become present in the moment, savoring each chord, each word slowly dancing into my head. The part of me that was lost becomes found and it all seems right again.
Good music makes you get up and dance.
Great music touches your soul and makes you weep.
All the words in the world can't explain what his music does to me. I could listen to it for hours and hours and not tire of slow methodical drums mixed with hair raising guitar chords.
Soul stirring. That's the only words I have for it at this point.
2014 18 August :: 7.31 pm
I'm pretty much an asshole.
Fair warning, what I am about to say may or may not make me an asshole. But it's an opinion. You don't have to agree or disagree, just take it for what it is.
Lately, as I'm sure everyone on the internet knows, there's been the ALS ice bucket challenge. Where if you get called out, you have to dump a bucket of ice water on your head. If you refuse, you have to donate your money to ALS research. Which is all fine and dandy.
But enough already.
I understand there are horrible disease out there that don't have cures. And we're constantly looking, searching. Why? Because before we know it, the next horrible disease will be out there and we'll be searching for a cure for that as well.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. I honestly don't think there will ever be a cure for cancer, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's or many of the other diseases out there that exist. Why? Because it's the yin and yang of things, part of life. We can't have all the good without some of the bad. These people who have these disease, most of the time all they want to do is live their lives to the fullest and they inspire you and I to do the same.
They aren't busy trying to find a cure, they know. They know what's happening, they know they can't stop it. They understand.
We're always trying to fix all the evil out in the world. But you can't fix it. You can't cure every evil disease away.
Personally, I think more money should be spent on treatments. Making the person comfortable for awhile so they can continue to pursue their dreams and achievements. Putting more money into support groups, training counselors, family resources, etc.
Horrible diseases exist and I'm sorry about that, I really am. But the thing is, there's always going to be SOMETHING out there that we can't fix. It's part of nature, it's part of evolution.
You know what else confuses me? We spend all this money on trying to find cures for diseases that more than likely don't have cures while there are tons of people in the world dying of diseases that can already be cured or prevented.
Malaria for one. African sleeping sickness can be treated in the first stage before it becomes deadly.
We have all these resources to help those who we currently CAN help.
I believe in vaccinations. I believe in preventive care. I believe in living in the moment. I believe in love. I believe in peace. I believe in mortality.
But I don't believe in a cure for cancer.
1 let |
2014 11 August :: 8.48 pm
do you understand?
"Not that anyone outside our intimate circle knew; like many of us who live with the condition, he wore a brighter self in public to distract from the darkness that settled over him behind closed doors. Most people don't see depression in others, and that's by design. We depressives simply spirit ourselves away when we've dimmed so as not to stain those who live in the sun."
2014 6 August :: 8.21 pm
The titles of my blog entries never have anything to do with the contents of my blog. They're usually the first thing that pops into my head. I'm not even sure why I do that. Like today's title is because I was looking down at my shirt and there was a strawberry stain. Then I started thinking about strawberries and how delicious they were, then I decided I wanted to write but not about me. I want to step outside that box. So this is the little blurb about me and the rest is stepping outside the box.
Walking down the street, you encounter a folded piece of
paper on the sidewalk. You pick it up and read it and immediately,
your life has changed. Describe this experience.
Changed how? Theoretically, my life would change the moment I picked up the piece of paper even before I opened it and read it because I did something new. (I don't make a habit of picking folding pieces of paper up off the sidewalk.)
I'm imagining the paper on the outside says "Hey you..." Or something along those lines so I feel intrigued to pick it up. Inside I imagine a random love note from one stranger to another. Expressing the beauty and pain that is part of this world, letting another human being see from their point of view, if even just for a moment. In that moment of reading the note, my point of view would change, from my own to theirs.
Even if just for a split second, I'd find myself out of my own head, curious about what this person was like. If maybe I knew them or had seen them at some point, on the bus, walking down the sidewalk, paused at a stop light...
After that, I'd feel like part of me had changed because I'd gained this new experience, this new insight. When I look at the world, I look at it through a lens of experience and perspective, not solely mine, but that of others as well. Sometimes my view feels like a kaleidoscope, constantly changing yet remaining the same. The pieces remain the same yet with one twist or shake a new pattern emerges.
Humph. Once again, the thought train has come to an abrupt halt in the middle of nowhere.
WHY DOES THIS CONSTANTLY HAPPEN TO ME?!
It could be worse, the thought train could crash and erupt into flames. But nope, it stops in the middle of a field and just sits there. And the conductor is like "COME ON! NOT AGAIN!" And the train still just sits there because it can't hear what the conductor is saying or maybe it can and just doesn't care. Because it's a goddamn train. And trains can do whatever the fuck they want.
2014 3 August :: 2.24 pm
heard it through the grapevine.
I don't know exactly how to word this without sounding like a jerk. But I don't want a relationship with my parents anymore.
Now my dad, that's a given, I kept trying to make that work and no dice. I don't have the time or energy to devote resources to fixing something that is obviously one sided.
He can have a relationship with my brother and sister, I could honestly care less. Because I don't want a relationship with either of them at the moment either.
Nor my mother.
They're all dysfunctional. Now I understand that family dysfunction is normal and there is no such thing as a perfect family but this is too much. My mom calls me multiple times a day and gets angry/upset if I don't answer, even though I just talked to her last week. Then if I do call her back, all she does is complain about her life, about my siblings, about her job, etc.
I just can't.
I've spent countless hours in therapy, trying to make myself a more functional person in society. I didn't want to become them. Any of them.
My therapist told me I will probably never have a good relationship with my family because they will just keep dragging me down.
It's sad but this is the way it has to be if I want to live the life that I want, that I need to live. I can't hold their hands anymore. I can't be my mother's main support system anymore. Sure during the divorce, that was fine. But that was over close to 9 years ago. I have a wonderful life to live. I don't want to be stuck back there. Constantly reliving things that are long finished.
I have moved on, I have accepted what happened, I have healed from it. Sure I still get angry on Father's Day but that's one day out of the year.
The truth is, the less I talk to my family, the better I feel. I don't feel guilty about it either.
I figure they'll come around when they're ready. They have my number, they know where I live.
I might not even go home for Christmas this year because every year I go home, the same shit happens. I'm tired of that.
Maybe I'll go to Seattle and spend it with my friend.
2014 13 July :: 7.40 pm
So every Sunday, I reflect back on the week and get mad at myself because I never feel like I tried hard enough. I never got enough done, never accomplished enough of my training, didn't work enough hours, didn't run enough errands, etc.
I always feel like I need to try harder to be better, to be busier, to do more. But then I realize something, for the boat I'm in, I'm already plenty busy.
First of all, I don't have a car. I have to get everywhere by either walking, taking the bus or getting rides from other people. Almost every morning, I walk 1.5 miles to the gym, I ride the bus to work, I ride my bike places, I walk every Sunday the mile to the grocery store and carry all my groceries the mile home.
That all adds up. So it's not like I'm not doing anything because I am. It just takes up a lot of my time. For instance, this morning it took me an hour and a half to grocery shop/carry everything home because I was so exhausted.
Second, I currently have a broken foot. Well not totally broken but a stress fracture, and not a wussy stress fracture either. There's actually a crack there, or so the MRI showed. So walking places takes longer because I'm in this stupid boot. Carrying things is more difficult because I have to stop whenever I feel a sharp pain in my foot and rest a bit. Every difficulty I already face is now 200% harder. My body is trying to heal, trying to repair and I can't just stop because I won't survive.
Third, work outs, do I get enough of them in? Are they intense enough? I'm a potential PT so I should know better than to expect myself to go intensely every damn day. But I feel like I need too, to make up for the fact that I'm injured. Which is counter-productive because I need the rest to heal.
I went to the gym twice last week, hit the pool once, got on my bike once and did boot camp today. That seems like a lot.
Fourth, do I work enough? Can I put more time in? I worked 43 hours this past week. Which doesn't seem like a lot but it's over the normal 40.
I just need to sit down and realize that for where I am, with what I have, I'm doing just fine.
Not many people would be able to keep going and doing everything with a broken foot.
I just want to be better, I want to get a workout schedule going, I want this that and the other thing. I want to be able to start running once the boot is off so I can be ready for the NYC marathon.
I work really hard and sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. And so here I am. Giving myself credit because dammit, I deserve it.
1 let |
2014 12 July :: 8.12 pm
colorblind // counting crows
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am.... fine
I am fine
1 let |
2014 12 July :: 7.42 pm
one more drink and i'll move on.
I feel like all I've done lately is whine, whine about this, that and the other thing. Maybe because this is the only place that I feel like I can freely vent and not be judged, even for the poor decisions I've made. (i.e. M, he was a poor, poor life decision, not initially but as time went on.) I don't feel like I write enough about the good that's happening in my life or the random musings I have.
It's okay though because writing about the bad and the ugly has helped me work through what's happening and figure it out.
This is how I figure things out now. I give up talking to people about it because I'll never take their advice anyway. So now I vent about it, leave it alone, go back and read it awhile later and all of a sudden it becomes clear.
Clarity, it's a good thing.
In the heat of the moment, clarity isn't present, or if it is, I choose to ignore it because I don't want to deal with it.
My conscious is very loud, it throws temper tantrums when I'm making a not so wise decision but most of the time I throw up my middle finger and say "Screw you, I'm going home." And proceed to ignore it.
Then the temper tantrums get louder, more obnoxious until they can't be ignored.
It's weird because I don't follow rules very well but if I deviate from what my conscious says, things get ugly.
This is the type of person I am... you all ready?
I don't like to hurt people, I live by the golden rule of do unto others as you'd have done unto you. And love thy neighbor as you love thy self, etc.
I am rebellious against authority, not openly rebellious but passively. If I don't like something, I'll let whoever know, subtly.
Other times though I can come right out and say it, unless it involves feelings getting hurt, then subtly it is.
I'm even rebellious against myself.
Which is counterproductive when it comes to improving myself as a human.
There's a freedom that's felt when you allow yourself to live by the code of conduct you've set for yourself.
Now that I've said goodbye to M, I feel freedom. Because everything we were went against everything I am as a person. We cheated, we lied, we hurt each other. We brought out the ugly in each other, which is sad. Over the years, we've just continued to bring out the ugly in each other.
I always told myself I was okay with what we were doing, the lying, the sneaking, the cheating, but I never really was.
It goes against who I am as a person.
I can't live like that anymore, it contradicts everything I am, everything I'm trying to be.
Hell, I don't expect perfection from myself but I expect myself to continually grow.
That is the most difficult part at the moment, accepting that I was lying to myself and that I have to forgive myself for being an asshole to myself.
For the past month, my conscious has been screaming and today it threw a temper tantrum. I heard it, loud and clear.
Maybe next time I'll be able to just listen to the screaming and maybe I'll be able to be strong enough to listen to only the whispers.
I need to stop being so afraid of hurting peoples feelings. That's the number one reason I don't do half of the things I need to do to make myself a stronger person. I don't want to hurt people!
But the truth of the matter is, people are always going to get hurt, you can't protect them, even from yourself.
And how much they let the hurt affect them is entirely up to them.
My project for the next year is to work on myself and focus on putting myself on the path towards the person I want to be.
Which means a few things...
1. Letting go of any optional relationship that is dysfunctional or which goes against my nature.
2. Building confidence and self-esteem, not letting myself be hurt as easily by words and being able to speak my mind without fear.
3. Taking care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. Cooking myself healthy meals, exercising regularly, preventing injuries and getting in touch with the world around me.
4. Letting go of what was, what is and what may be. Developing a detachment to the world.
5. Focusing on my gifts to the world and how I'm meant to use them. Realizing that a job is just a job to pay the bills, nothing more, nothing less.
Clarity. Enlightenment. Freedom. Meaning. Devotion. Love. Peace. Consciousness.
Those are the things I want, they are the things that align with who I am as a person.
2014 12 July :: 4.28 pm
I'm tired of writing about it and I'm sure everyone in the world is tired of reading about it.
I make everything more complicated than it needs to be. I don't even know why that is. Every relationship I've had is tainted with complication, maybe I enjoy the puzzle, the challenge.
As I'm sure everyone knows, I've been struggling since coming back into contact with a boy, we'll call him M. He brings out the worst in me and I the worst in him. Those 6 months without him were amazing, I was the best version of myself that I've seen in a long time. All of a sudden out of the blue I decided saying hi and letting him back into my life was a good idea. That was a month or so ago and it has had bad idea written all over it.
We told each other we'd changed, our relationship had changed but it hadn't. I have finally realized it's not going to. So after multiple texts explaining, I've decided just to throw my hands up and walk away.
Because we all deserve to be the best version of ourselves? Right?
I was texting my friend, P, and I was ranting and raving about how easy it was for me to kick my dysfunctional family out of my life but I can't kick the most dysfunctional person out! P, said you'll have to be more specific and so I explained about M and how he makes me a worse person and I hate it. Hate. It. P said and I quote "Yeah there really shouldn't even be a M. Wave goodbye and move on."
Is it really that simple?
The truth is yes, it is. All I have to do is wave goodbye and move on.
No more lengthy text messages explaining and trying to let him down easy so I don't hurt his feelings.
I don't have to offer an explanation, I'm allowed to wave goodbye and leave.
He's going to hurt.
And I hate hurting people. But this year is about me. ME! ME! ME! Getting MY shit together and not worrying about everyone else around me.
So goodbye, farewell, adios, have a nice life! I don't want to be part of it anymore!
2014 6 July :: 10.51 am
well i will.
So. Over. It.
2014 4 July :: 4.05 pm
your own personal jesus.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein
You want to believe that people have changed, that you've changed. In reality nothing has changed, it's the same old shit, the same old story. Just wrapped up in a shiny new package.
The shine of the package lures you in, change, it announces, I've changed, the situation has changed. Look at me! I'm shiny and new!
After peeling away the wrapper you look with disappointment that it's still the same.
This isn't new, you look at it in bewilderment. I disposed of this long ago.
Re-gifted with a red bow, tied just right.
The perfect package, how could it look suspicious?
Deep down though, you always knew. You knew below that shimmering surface it was still the same deep dark water. Same deep dark soul.
The lure of the bow was too much, you wanted to desperately believe that it was new.
Maybe, just maybe there was a clear pond underneath.
Not a deep dark place.
You lied. I believed you. What a fool I was.
Truth, it hurts. Truth is you haven't changed.
You told me awhile ago, you make your bed, you lay in it.
You can't change. No matter how hard you try.
I refuse to be part of that.