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:: 2018 16 July :: 10.34 pm
:: Mood: near functioning
:: Music: Supernatural

Stable
I find it hard to write, even though I can think and talk a lot better now. I did sit last night and write up the allergies and tissue request message for N. But sitting and journaling has always been so difficult.

I felt pretty good before FF. I was actively working to be able to do mushs. And right before FF I was able to shift my mind into a more stable frame. And so all the inebriates and I feel tons better. I've been so stable this week.

And able to talk. Able to keep my feelings out of drowning what I'm saying and feeling. Able to DO things. I did the sticker book!! Finally!! And cleaned so much! Things really feel like they can truly come together if I just do some of the last few big things.

I've never felt this good. And it's hard.

There's a cost I think. The farther away from my emotions the less things make fluid sense. The less they feel ..... I said natural but this feels natural too. But in the emotional state they're a different kind of natural.

I want to write more.

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:: 2018 30 June :: 11.40 pm

I don't have words.

I'm more me than usual. More whole and solid. And it annoys me. It terrifies me. Even though this is exactly what I aimed for.

The fine line between not functioning and functioning is SO FINE. And suddenly being able to just do things and say things and hear things is SO FRUSTRATING comparatively. It's annoying as fucking hell to want to write what it's like to be one way or the other and be at such a loss of words to document how things worked, how things happened.

And now I realize that what would actually have been useful was documenting how each day felt. What the limitations felt like. What the functionality felt like.

So I want to try today. And now I have painful and painfully annoying hiccups and it's nearly midnight and I'm tired and I have feels.

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:: 2018 29 June :: 1.33 pm
:: Mood: blah

Daily Reflections
The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
6/29

"If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is a time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy."

I was thinking the other day that I didn't want to be doing what I was doing, smoking. And I recognize that part of that is seeing that I don't want to do something and not doing it. But part of it was also to see that that was what was happening right then and that was okay. That was one less time that I'll get to do that with N and feel how it makes me feel and I can shift my focus to emphasize that aspect. Certainly when I dont feel in control.

I definitely have felt like I've actively not been in the right place at the right time with the right preparation to take advantage of the opportunities life supposedly gives me. I punish myself a lot for that. I still feel like it is all my fault that I'm not further on in life. That I'm just floundering.

And then I'm told that my path is my own and there is no competition or line and that I'm doing fine. But I dont feel like Im doing fine....I feel like I'm no where near where I want to be. I know this drudgery is rife with fat to chew on but I can't seem to do both. I can't seem to take advantage of what is around me and what I am going through and still also be plodding forth.

Today, I will trust God's will is happening as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.

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:: 2018 28 June :: 1.34 pm
:: Mood: detoxing
:: Music: Bob Moses - Tearing Me Up

Daily Reflections
The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
6/28

"Learn to recognize when something isn't working or isn't flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance."

"Often the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder."

I've been thinking lately about how I need to put energy into and follow the pull I feel for some things. I think it's the flow calling me but I resist and I ignore and I excuse. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid it won't be as perfect as it needs to be or could be. I'd rather not try.

This fear of failure is so ingrained in me. And the decades I spent not doing any flow feel like they've necrotized me against working properly. I feel like the wheels are too rusted and stuck to start turning again and get me anywhere. And that too feels like an excuse.

This passage wants me to let go but only after repeated efforts. I haven't made the efforts. I don't even start.

I want to start the blog. My brain wants the infrastructure set up but I'm indecisive about what platforms to use. I could however just start writing things. I do want a backlog of written before I start.

I want to make L her website. I should really just commit and do it. I have it mostly laid out in my head but... ..... what stops me?

Feeling like I don't have the energy?
I can generate the energy.

Feeling like I just don't want to?
But I do want to....
And it would be something to do that would have an end result.

But what if she doesn't like it?
But it would be more than she has now and everything is adjustable, I can change anything I make.

I need to finish these background tasks so I can do these fun projects. I need my home in order.

But the recent lesson I've learned is to not put things off, even if I've built a system about when things can happen and what needs to be done first. Just start things. Make little baby steps when I'm ready.

I can do this.

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:: 2018 27 June :: 6.23 pm
:: Mood: processing

To N from 2017
10/2/17

I realize now that we've talked before about how it's been hard on you to have continuous calls with R when she's crying. And I recognize that this is like the third call in a row where I've cried and our conversations have become increasingly dark.

I've tried hard to handle these kinds of things when I'm both your best friend and your partner. And I can imagine that the greater difficulty lied not in her act of crying but that the cause had to do with you. And I believe that you may feel partly different about this new trend with my crying. I don't want you to feel like that's not a difficulty you can share with me. As in, I don't think I've internalized repeat crying as an issue with me.

And normally I would just stop crying when we're on the phone and probably take extra subtle steps to emphasize that I'm alright in the next few days.

But I'm not going to indulge either of those. If I cry again tomorrow because I'm hurting and sad, then I cry. And maybe I'll have the energy to hear your optimistic heartwarming love-words and maybe I won't. And then we'll go on to the next day until it eventually changes. And I trust that you won't punish me for hurting and expressing it to you. And that even if this geyser of emotion is hard for you to process each day you'll still keep trying or let me know. And you'll still say that it's okay for me to be whatever me I need to be.

Love you <3


--

I don't remember times when I was crying on the phone with him.. I only remember him saying R was doing it repeatedly and how much it brings him down. I have no memory of doing it myself. Fun...

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:: 2018 27 June :: 6.06 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: TV: Supernatural

New Years Eve 2017
For the world as a whole, 2017 has been pretty shit. For me though, it might be the best year I've had in decades. I've worked really hard. Really fucking hard. I practiced DBT skills every week. I have been the most out of dissociation than I have since before high school. I have taken every effort to get better.

I want to heal my skin and be able to not be in daily pain. I want to learn to cook the things I need to eat. I want to learn the er-hu. I want to do all of the Instagrams on my phone from the last few years. I want to get my body and strength back with real exercize.

---

These are still my wants. And I'm slowly making some progress. This is good.

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:: 2018 27 June :: 12.59 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Get Rid of All the Toxins and Negativity || Soothing Solfeggio Frequency Music 741Hz

Daily Reflections
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

June 27 - Achieving Harmony

It's fitting the start of this new project is about playing the piano, learning new pieces, and not being able to play it perfectly from the get go. That's exactly been my thoughts in the last few days as I reflected on my past difficulties in being able to practice and learning new pieces. I learn pieces through muscle memory and a more non-conscious expression of the notes. For piano definitely but even it could be argued for percussion, I don't intimately know the ins and outs of them. I can't look at a piece of music and instantly tell you what note it is despite playing music for a decade. Would I be better if I could? I think so. But I guess in not getting into those arguments, I'm just recognizing that when I learn music it's at a distance. And I've argued that I couldn't get myself to practice because of my intense depression, inability to be alone with my thoughts, and severe lack of energy.

I also could never practice if someone else could hear me. I used to envy Katie's ability to practice loudly in the middle of the house. Though I never really heard her stumble over the music like I had to. A larger point is that I just shut the door and paid attention to the computer not to her practicing. In my head when I practice everyone is listening and JUDGING. I could never do something no perfect. Not /well/ at least. It's like they say for INTJ people - that you'll never see us practicing, we'll only do something in front of people if it's completely right.

I have this constant obsession with perfection. And I feel like it links back to being judged by my mother. She didn't fault me for not being good at sports and music and things, but in every other aspect of life if I wasn't perfect then I would get punished. Yelled at and shut down and broken. I feel like I'm always under a magnifying glass and that naturally growing from mistakes is just not allowed. It feels like life and death and so I don't do it.

It goes on to equate the practicing of music to the practicing of recovery skills and healthy steps. I struggle with the baby steps, the constant picking myself back up and trudging onwards. I want it to be perfect now. I feel like if I suddenly don't just behave like I'm supposed to then I failed and none of it was worth it. That's almost exactly like what mom said to me on the phone yesterday. I'm not doing good enough so I need to leave.

I think both of these issues have been in need of an overhaul. I'm constantly on myself for not having done something or done something well. And I try to jump ahead only to lose my balance and fall. I think it's just figuring out which step is what I take next.

I'm reminded of the Glennon quote to just do the next most right thing. If everything is overwhelming and I have no idea where to start or what to do, just do the next thing that feels right.

This cuts through a lot of the bullshit my brain layers on. All of the "I don't want to" and "I'll do it later" and "I can't do that now."

Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.

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:: 2018 28 May :: 6.28 pm
:: Mood: reflective
:: Music: Game of Thrones

clarity and colors
Today the colors were brighter. Before I went home, I noticed when I was leaving his. I woke up today feeling pretty great. Actually desiring to get up. Slept about 10 hours. 8 or 9 the night before. A rage. And 12 hours the night before.

I need sleep. I need to accept that. At least right now I do. Not especially because I'm sick. But this job has run me dry. And yes, I let it do it to me. I didn't know I could have boundaries. I didn't know how to set the boundaries. I don't know.

Today I got up and made coffee. I loved binging Steven Universe with him. And interspersed I spearheaded doing his laundry and made lunch. I wanted his laundry to be ready for her bonding project.

But I think the colors were brighter because of the rage. I found a good combination of factors. And I got to be me for a while. I let go a lot. And I just 'was.' I always forget what it feels like. It drifts away so slowly that I don't particularly notice.

I think I let go of so much that my brain was able to process more fine detail of my surroundings. It was able to instantly plan out things. Intuit. Just take things in.

I have to work out the concepts of the rage.

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:: 2018 3 January :: 12.51 pm
:: Mood: pained
:: Music: Beck - Dreams

Immeasurable Pain
I don't even know. It all hurts. I'm in so much pain just from my skin. And I think that part if not a lot of it is in my head, or my head making the big deal. Ever since I read that eczema was more like toxins are pushing out through my skin from the inside, I can't not feel it that way. Every stab is more of like a stab out. It's like I can feel these spiked terrible things ripping their way out of me.

I'm looking up techniques for breathing and supplements. I keep forgetting little things to do for it.

Was it always like this? It wasn't though..... Were all those periods of time when it was 'okay' just when I was eating literally nothing? How is it all over my face now when it's never been before if not because now I think it can be on my face? "It's not on my face. It's not on my face. It's not on my face."

Typing this seems to help. A good distraction.

Oh, I should take these supplements now...

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:: 2017 27 December :: 3.33 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

Take a Step
Journaling is the big new skill I want to work on. I want a record of my thoughts and experiences, what the world was like for me each step of the way. And I want to write down what I remember from the past. And think through the things happening.

Every little step is still a step forward.




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