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:: 2018 13 November :: 11.55 pm

on fighting defensively when trying to talk about fears
I write these "talking to N" things very defensively. I was about to blame it on Woohu but /I/ accidentally hit buttons that reload Woohu and I lose what I'm typing. And when I rewrite it I can see where I wrote something from a defensive standpoint, putting blame on other things and people.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. And I'm afraid to talk about my fears with N. I'm angry about things and I direct that anger at him even before he's had a chance to think about them let alone reply to me about them. He has to start off defensive. Because I attacked out of fear.

I need to start with that.

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:: 2018 13 November :: 11.24 pm

on the cold weather and needing to move
on the weather being terrible for me here
on not being able to live in this cold for much longer

.....on needing to move

on the cold weather and needing to move

Hi love!
I have a really hard time talking about this. I don't even know how to broach this subject. I'm afraid of the answer. But it bubbles and boils inside of me. And sometimes it's like rage because it's connected to so much pain. So much constant and persistent pain.
I love you.

I really dislike the cold.

I love skiing. I love snow. In small measures. Not for 3/4ths of the year.

But I hate being cold. I hate the persistent chill in my body. The layers of clothes I have to carry around. The frosty air biting my skin. The numb fingers. The never being able to settle and feel the sunshine and be warm.

I hate being dry. I hate the lack of humidity. The dry stale air. Not being able to open my windows. The drying heat from machines. My skin ripping apart no matter how much lotion I use. My skin in red patches across my face like I'm sick. My scalp so dry and itchy that I rip at it all day and am surrounded by disgusting white flakes like when I was 10.

It's my health. I do my best but it doesn't even make a dent. I have trauma from taking showers. It takes me a whole day to gain back the oils on my skin. I have to run to put on coconut oil because it hurts. It actually hurts. After a shower, my skin feels like sandpaper. Inside and out.

With my skin so dry, and the abundance of clothing causing sweating and then that drying, my skin cracks. Like...cracks open. Rips apart. Do you see it? Do you understand that what you're looking at hurts? Little cuts all over my body. So many tiny paper cuts that bleed and bleed and bleed like I'm diseased. All of that hurts. It takes energy to deal with the hurt.

And then with my skin cracked open I'll no doubt get more staph infections. At least now I know what they are but then I'll have to do more antibiotics. And what if I get the staph that is antibiotic resistant? I think about that. When that day comes. And I'll be trapped in that body with the skin falling off and the puss and the sores and there's no medicine that can help me.

I don't know if I have it in me to do many more winters here.

I might need to move soon.

For my health.

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:: 2018 13 November :: 11.06 pm

On being afraid of being overridden in parenting
On being afraid of being overridden in parenting

Another thing I inherited from my family is a fear of being overridden as a parent.

One of my mother's favorite zingers is telling me that she had no say in how I was raised and that dad never let her raise us the way she wanted to.

It's a very big brain twister.

But I do recollect many of the times that she did not get her way. Including a number of her favorites like when she said I can't do the study abroad to China.

I'm afraid that you will play the "I'm healthier" card or the "my parent's weren't abusive and this is how they did it" card.

Just because I didn't grow up in a good family doesn't mean I don't know what is good for my children. And just because you don't agree with something I believe is right for them does not automatically make you right.

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:: 2018 13 November :: 11.02 pm

On putting your professional life before your personal life and before me
On putting your professional life before your personal life and before me

I know having a professional life is new right now. And I get that it would be center. And I'm not even saying there are things that should be center instead of it right now.

But in the future I need to know how much of your professional life you'll put before your personal life, before me.

This stems from my father. He never mentioned his aspirations. Even when he was doing them he didn't talk about them. After he'd achieved them he didn't tell us. He did them, we were not a part of it. But they absolutely and severely affected us.

I'm concerned that you won't support my career when the time comes. I'm afraid you have internalized societal norms and won't think mine is as important. Maybe if it takes me longer to find it you won't feel like it should be a priority.

If it comes down to a choice between them I'm afraid you won't put mine first.

And yes, there's no real way to know this. And there's no real way to decide this. But women for ever have always given up their lives and careers for their husbands and I feel the weight of that on my shoulders. All those lost hopes and dreams. And I won't be in that same group. I would work to find a way to make them both prosper but I will not be sidelined just because I am a girl.

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:: 2018 13 November :: 10.11 pm

on my potential to be depressed/dissociated in the future
on my potential to be depressed/dissociated in the future

You've mentioned this before and I think it's a very important topic to talk about.

And I remember what you told me that Margaret said about her having kids with her partner.

I will always be prone to depression and dissociation. And there will definitely be times when I experience those things again.

I can say that one of my core principles has always been that my depression and sadness and abyss is my problem and I must do my best to not let it affect other people. That's built in to my relationship with my sister. No committing suicide when my sister is in the car. No driving reckless with my sister in the car. And I tried to make sure she had everything she needed. Another dimension is that I am motivated to make sure you eat. If you really need food I will get up and go to the store. I'll put something together for you. I'll keep tabs and make sure you have the opportunity to eat. I have and would do these things. As in, if someone else I care about needs something I am able to do it for them. I can't feed myself when I'm alone but I can take care of other people.

If I had children, I would do my best to not let my depression affect them. We'd still have to talk to them about it, I think. Because it is still apart of me and they need to understand what it is and what's going on and that it's not their fault. But I don't think I would be like my mother where I'm on the couch all day. Because there's you and you aren't trapping me in a cycle of pain and abuse that deepens my personal abyss so that I become catatonic, like my mother's life.

Also I have worked really hard to reinforce the strides out of depression that I've made. Now that I can no longer say that I've "never been happy" and "have no idea what happy feels like" and "never feel the feeling of happy" the abyss is not so accessible. My depression is no longer the same now that I'm out of it.

Also I do things that protect my mind and help buffer me from the sadness like yoga and meditation and reading and stuff. I am changing.

And as I've said, I will probably experience postpartum depression. Having a child will be such a severe change that I will be inconsolable for a while. But we will have 9 months to prepare for it. And we will have outside support.

But I won't lie to you about who I am.

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:: 2018 13 November :: 7.43 pm

on needing him to clean too
- a reworking after losing the text -

on needing to do the housework without me telling him

Hi love!
I love you so much! This is about being partners in housework if we build a life together.

I will not be like my mother.

And I will not be a nagging wife.

My mother spent her life in the house. All day. Every day. She cleaned it all of the time. She didn't trust housekeepers. We tried a few. But we think one of them broke a very expensive Egyptian hieroglyphics piece. So she cleaned it all herself. My father, during the divorce trial, said she never did anything.

Right now I am happy to clean your space and wash the dishes and make sure the laundry is done. I don't work, so I have more energy to spare than you do. And those tasks are harder for you. And you need to put in a lot of work getting used to having a job and having this job. I do these things as gifts to you and us. They are not fun things. But I do them because they need to get done.

But if we live together in a home, I will not be the only one cleaning up and maintaining the house. And I will not tell you what to do and when to do it. I need you to be an adult who maintains a certain level of cleanliness and organization in the house.

Are there dishes in the sink? Wash them.
Do the windows need to be washed? Do it.
Is there stuff on the floor? Vacuum it.

And the answer to this question is not: get a housekeeper. I need you to be able to do this. I need you to rise to the occasion and continue to keep things clean and together with me.

There's also my health. I need the house free of dust. I need the floors vacuumed and filters changed in order to not be in extreme pain. In order to be able to breathe.

I need you to learn to recognize when these tasks need to happen and then do them of your own accord. And I would be happy to help you and point things out in the beginning and make a structure. And there are guides and checklists that exist.

But I will not be my mother. I will not spend my life cleaning while my partner does not. And I will not beg you to do your part.

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:: 2018 13 November :: 6.37 pm

to N - doing things he doesnt want to do
On N doing things he doesn't want to

Hi love!
I love you so much!

I wrote this frankly so I could get to the point. But I only write it to better understand you and to communicate about difficult topics because I care so much and I want to build a future with you.

I think you have a tendency to put yourself first more than is fair in a relationship and that you often do not do things that you do not want to do. And that very much negatively affects the relationship because then I have to do the thing on my own or we don't do the thing at all even though I want or need it done.

Easy example is cleaning. This relates to the other thing I wrote about how I have to live in your space because you won't practice living in mine. And you still won't actually clean your place so I can live their in a healthy way despite the fact that I clean mine all the time when you're coming over to mine.

Another easy example is doing any of the things you've said you'd do for my birthday or our anniversary including going to America's Stonehenge and Inman Oasis. Somehow it's been years and despite me asking frequently and writing it on your white board we've still not done these things. Also included is P-Town. You even /say/ you'll do these things and promise and intend to but never rise to the occasion of actually doing them.

Another example is even doing this process of talking. I told you I needed to talk before I could call you my primary. And for some reason that didn't mean much to you. It didn't spur your desire to talk. It didn't make you push to resolve this FOR US. You just kept calling me your primary and didn't seem to mind that the discrepancy bothered me.

I've asked to do chores on the weekend, needing your help and your car to reach places and do things. I'll set it up and then the day comes and you don't feel like it. You want to stay in and play. And what can I say? I'm not going to be the mean old person who forces you to do some work. I need your help. I asked for your help. But I will not beg for it.

If something takes work or isn't fun, you don't want to do it. And I don't know what to say to that.

Some things are shitty. And they still need to get done.

I will not continue to do all of them all of the time for you. And I will not live the rest of my life in a relationship where I have to do them myself or beg for help.

( related to needing him to clean. related to needing him to do household chores. )

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:: 2018 13 November :: 6.14 pm

to N - relationships not staying shiny
Love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment. To love. Every day.

All relationships will get "boring." All of them will lose their spark for some time.

I need to know that N can handle when the relationship loses it's sign. When I'm different and no longer the emotional and cuddly attachment that follows him around and laughs at all this jokes and applauds at all his actions.


To N:

Hi love!
I love you. And want to talk about our future.

I'm concerned that you have this need for things to always be sparkly. For relationships to always have a spark and feel fresh and new and shiny.

I think it's worked well for us that I've been slowly waking up from the deep and that it's constantly like getting to a know a new person and our dimensions slowly grow. I gain new capabilities and we find new ways to interact and use them.

But at some point I'm going to slow my rate of growth. I'll fill out and things might turn inwards. And we'll sit at that new plateau. And maybe that plateau will go for a long time.

I'm afraid that you'll start to lose interest at that point. That you'll be sad things become routine and bored that nothing is new.

From how I understand your previously relationships, it looks like you have a tendency to give up when they get boring. That's loaded, I know, because so much else is going on. But it feels like you don't continue to pursue things when things get hard.

Like when you moved and didn't stick it out for very long. Again, I know there was a lot of other things going on but looked like you decided you weren't interested in putting elbow grease into it.

I want to build a life with you. And I can 100% say that I can commit to that life and work through the hard times. I take responsibility disgustingly seriously. And if necessary I have an iron will that has forced me through many difficult things. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it.

But I'm not completely confident that you're the same way.

Relationships lose their shine. They lose their spark for a time. They can become "boring" and routine.

I may not always be right by your side laughing at your jokes and smiling at your actions. I will still support you, but I may also be doing my own things. And as much as I want to laugh and smile and be right there with you, when I do get healthy, I will need time and support to do my own things.

And that means our relationship will change a bit.


Hmm, maybe don't include the stuff about R and Baltimore.

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:: 2018 12 November :: 4.44 pm

I avoid writing.

It's the next step in my relationship with N and I still don't do it.

Am I sabotaging? Am I apathetic? Am I not ready?

What will it take to inspire me to write?

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:: 2018 11 November :: 10.38 pm

On Nick being busy
I struggle. I guess. Some days, not other days. I feel like this group is for other people who feel harder times, not for me. Why am I allowed to post when other people have fewer resources.

I never thought I'd have trouble with this kind of thing. I never though I'd be in relationships that meant enough that I'd feel trouble that would need recourse. The trouble always informed me of their weaknesses. It wasn't something that could be rectified by support or advice.

But now I go through these days I feel lost. I feel alone.

Nick is with Renee and I feel annoyed. I feel left out. I feel put out.

She always made me feel that way but it was always her prerogative to make me feel that way.

I want to talk to him? I want him to only be focused on me? I fail.

What even is anything.

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:: 2018 8 November :: 1.58 pm

on being an enigma
I know why I'm an enigma.

a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.
synonyms: mystery, puzzle, riddle, conundrum, paradox, problem, quandary

I'm puzzling and difficult to understand because I don't act like I as my whole innate -ness would act.

My trauma and coping mechanisms are antithetical to the person I truly am.

I actually do well with strangers and like turning them into friends. I do well with talking. I do well with leading.

But my trauma and coping mechanisms taught me to keep away from people. To fear them. To stay silent. To follow.

It's not what people feel like they should expect from me.

It confuses them because I don't do what I should be doing.

This is why I'm an enigma.

I no longer see "enigma" as an honorable and special title.
I see it as a yoke. A prison.

I want to be me.

...but I don't want to fight for it.

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:: 2018 7 November :: 12.56 pm

on leading and leadership
I don't lead if someone else in the group wants to lead. I let them take control. I'll still monitor what they do and sometimes subtly direct things or speak up. Sometimes speak up. Sometimes just go along like flotsam.

I used to lead. I used to be very good at it. Back when it didnt matter and I didnt realize what it was like for the people following. And back when I used terrible intimidation methods to get my way. Back in high school when I would hit and push people physically. Like in band practice. And with Kyle. I think it was a manifestation of what I learned from my mother. Hurt them. Bend them to your will. The only way they'll listen to you is by force. How does one talk? How does one convince? How does one properly lead?

And then I just stopped. Mr Manus was taping in English class for some award or something and I saw myself from the outside and I froze. I stopped leading. I stopped speaking up. I stoppd saying my ideas. I just stopped.

And that was the last time that I confidently led something.

Now if anyone else around wants to be the leader I let them.

Unless I'm with Katie. With Katie I still auto lead. And it feels very good. Very easy. Very comfortable. And she lets me. She wants met to. I think I still get her input. And leave space for her to lead together somewhat.

But it's like the driving. I always drove. She always sat passive in the passenger. It's always been our dynamic.

So I can still lead. I just don't switch into it as easily, as auto anymore.

And thus there are no consequences right?

I let Nick lead. Nick loves to lead. I follow him. Before it was like on a leash (without the connotation) or a hand hold. I would trail behind, not even paying attention to what was happening, just following his trail.

As I progressed I became more and more aware but still wouldnt say my truth. I still doubted my thoughts and trusted that his were better. That his judgement was better. That he was whole and thinking and could do the things better than me, proven by all the things he was doing and I was not, and so I followed him.

I lead when I'm on my own though. I think that's a core element to switching into being "on." Making your own decisions. Leading your own life. Like when I go to cons, and I do a con the whole day going to what I want to go to, doing what I want when I want it. And then when I wake up the next day I'm "on" and I can be me easier and I just do what I want withtou thinking it apart.

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:: 2018 6 November :: 7.36 pm

I Keep Myself Like This P1
I complain about being how I am and feeling like I feel. But I keep myself this way. And I know I'm doing it. I know I'm choosing to stay this way. What a hypocrite! How fake and weak is that?

It's comforting.
It's all I've ever known.

What if I fail?
There's a lot of truth in that.

How do I relearn how to do everything?
It will be simple when things are simple. I'll just know.
Won't I?

It's heavy. A thick blanket. A weighted blanket. And a fog. A brain fog.

There's that spot right in the middle that I can't see. I can star at it and my eyes shift off. They can't focus. It's like my eyesight is Frankenstein's together. Seams where pieces are patched together but don't fit exactly right.

Garrett say's he'll skype with me now so I've found yet another way to avoid writing. Though he'll get off to nanowrimo so maybe I can make myself write more after.

I was getting to some good stuff.

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:: 2018 6 November :: 7.23 pm

whining about writing
I almost starting typing. And then I spent some amount of time looking for Chrome extensions to to stop woohu from reloading and losing all of my text. And I told myself it was to protect what I wrote but it was also to not start writing.

Why is it so hard to write?

I have so much I want to say. I can't speak it. Why can't I write it? I put it in notes to go back to later. I never go back to them. Well, not yet. Ctrl+C. Is it a holdover from the depression? Where I imagine that later I'll have the energy? Is this not later? All of those other now not their later? When then?

I'm so close.
But what does that mean?
Is that something I'm supposed to let go? Am I judging myself for not doing it? Yes.

Write what's going on. Write this.
That's what I keep saying when I get just to the precipice of being able to write and I recognize that something I'm thinking or feeling is something meaty I can poke at in writing. But then I digress into something else. I don't tumble into it like part of me wants to.

Part of it is how slow it is to comb through a thought and carefully type it out.
So much time.

And not very fun.

Often I think it will hurt. It will be emotional at least. Since that's the point of writing.

But I want records. Of the changes and the progress. So I can write that book. Or that blog. Or that website.

Ohhhhh maybe I'll write out the details for the website tonight! That would be nice.
Or stuff to talk to Nick about. Though that might make me sad and emotional and then I'd want to drink and I don't have any drinks. Ohh I should have taken those beers from Nicks fridge. Wait no, I want to try them with him. I had that thought like 8 seconds before I got it typed out. This moves so sloooooow. I wish I could just transmit my thoughts straight into text..

I wish I could have a conversation with Nick. Why can't I talk?
I still get tripped up. Because I care too much. Because I think it matters too much. I think everything matters too much.

Even though I know it doesn't. And I know what it feels like to feel like it doesn't. It's very freeing. But it's also kind of cold. Clinical. Simple.

But isn't clean and simple nice? Straightforward is nice?

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:: 2018 5 November :: 11.55 am

not writing
It's really hard to get myself to write still. I think about it all of the time and I can feel viscerally how important it is to get my ideas out where I can keep track of them and still I can't write.

And as soon as I force myself to try I don't remember any of the awesome ideas I wanted to write about.

I do have a fuck ton of books. I should read...

Time is so precious and I waste it so so much.

And this position is uncomfortable, physically. Macy is sitting on the main computer and I feel like I can't do anything. But how can I move her? She makes such sad noises. And I should work elsewhere but how can I leave her alone? My hand is on fire though, from touching her I think. And my postion is uncomfortable. It makes me not want to type.

I'm taking a break and trying to thin out the pin situation all over the table.

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