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| mle (profile) wrote, on 7-9-2002 at 2:40am | |
| Current mood: upset Music: avril lavigne - nobodys fool Subject: |
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so i got used again. well, almost got used. he came out with his real motives. keith sikkema.. the cute, innocent little (well, 6'4") senior jock from christian- the never-been-kissed, never had a girlfriend, never smoked/drank/done drugs... yea he was a fake. and im a little upset. but i could see it coming, which kinda makes it worse. all last week, i was skeptical of his motives to suddenly chill w/ me, but i was so giddy and excited that i tried to ignore that nagging gut feeling. well my gut is always right (especially when its growling). i asked him if we were gonna get together some other time after i got home from out west cuz he had to cancel this friday. so he spilled he was just gonna use me for play. in that case, i dont know why hed pick me. out of all the hot hoes in the world, why settle on soemthing like me? but it seems to happen quite often. lets see, keith (attempted), joe, mike (several times), mark and brad (at first and at the end), the other brad, chris, andy, bennay, pat, brian, justin. not to mention that one night i drove around w/ 4 horny guys, which was, uh, interesting... but yea. and this is all outside of the 3 big relationships ive had thatve taken up 75% of my life since the middle of 6th grade (3.5 years). ouch. but back to the point... a few weeks ago, he gave me this whole speech about not really caring that hes never gotten any and how hes not gonna run to some random hoe just to say hes made out (and he even told me again hes "not the type to use girls" after he spilled about his real intentions). *now* i know why its so awkward for him. because he knew all along i was nothing, i meant nothing, and thats all id ever be. and i was in the dark. its kinda upsetting me because i had a glimpse of hope, and uplifting because i was all excited over it: release from the guyless streak, and hes not from west so my private life might remain a little more private than it did with mark and brad (*rolls eyes* i think kathy and them would appreciate that too lol). i dont think ill ever be able to look at him again. its gonna be really awkward at parties now. ill be prayin he doesnt show up, and if he does, ill avoid him. no more excitement over getting an IM from sikdogg81. i have no respect for him anymore. i mean, dont get me wrong, i am kinda a hoe and very easily get used, but still, if he just wanted a piece, he needed to clarify that its just friends w/ benefits. i probably woulda gone along w/ that, had i known his plan from the get-go. but no, guys lead you on just to let you down. well, i guess its one down, one to go. i still got john. but hes never online anymore, and i dont have his number, so im at the mercy of his internet usage that i can see him again before i go out west. my schedule is surprisingly kinda packed, but id make room for him in a heartbeat. :) and on a non-penis-related note, i dont want to go out west. i can picture it now: the horrifying situations ill get into with my eating problems, lack of self-esteem (and clothing), people i dont particularly like, and depression/moodiness. i really dont wanna go. like, really. im pretty damned non-functional lately. i skipped training this morning, and i want to quit more than anything. im just going downhill again. and its not a pretty sight, let me tell you... mle |
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spud | 07-09-02 2:07pm man. i really don't know what to say. i mean, i dunno. i'm not really one to go around consoling everybody who's got hurt feelings. and i don't intend to. i wouldn't mind getting together again sometime, but you're going out west, and my schedule has been shot to crap. i don't know. i had fun before though, and i'm pretty much a lifeless sack of something, with nothing to do, except pester his friends, then ditch em to go on family trips. but summer is quickly winding down towards the oblivion of band and soccer camp. i wanna say july 22. i don't know. it's the monday right around there, then hell begins. i'd just like to do something before things go to crap. let me know. have fun on your trip. |
| mle | Re:, 07-09-02 2:45pm yea.. my schedule has been shot to crap too. this week is crazy! ive had every moment planned from morning to going out at night since i got home on sun. :( stupid work and practices...
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