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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 6-26-2003 at 1:27pm | |
| Current mood: drained Music: [ +] gREeN dAy_tiME oF yOUr LiFE Subject: YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW ... |
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| last night i was quite upset ... just the whole andrew/college deal. it's like a recurring nightmare. i'll move on to it later in this entry. i've just been so worn out thinking of everything and remembering all these times when i was little. now would be a good time to refer back to the song "grow up." let's see ... i said i would fill you in on the game -- we had one last night that we lost horribly to, it was like 16-1 or something close to that. HAHA LEE PITCHED, JESSIE! YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP! lol. but there was a game the night before that, it was pretty good! i just can't remember it now ... lol. it was a doubleheader and dad and i didn't stay for the second game, but mom and jeff stayed for it. dad and i left early because dad had to get up at like 5:30 the next morning for work, and i had to get up at 6 for cc. i didn't pay attention to the entire first game because i was reading my summer reading book, but i remember that hal pitched and they ended up taking him out. so he looked kinda beside himself the rest of the game -- he sat outside of the dugout kinda to the side. but he talked to the coach and it looked like he was trying to convince him to give him another shot -- and he did end up playing the next game (but i wasn't there for that one). we won both of them! yeah! we needed to end that losing streak. though we lost last night, it didn't count as a league game because the easley team isn't in our league. about yesterday ... i was really disappointed because, at the last minute, my mom informed me that we were going to see my grandpa since he was near easley. so i didn't get to go to church, and i was really upset about that. it feels like i missed out a lot -- aly, jessie, and i were even going to talk about going to the game together. but that never happened. i was so disappointed ... and to make it better i got depressed -- i asked my dad if it was the last season andrew was going to play, and he said, "yep, this is it baby!" that got me in a bad mood. no more baseball. i'm not going to watch andrew play ever again after this summer. not ever. ever since i can even REMEMBER, andrew has been playing baseball. from rec to highschool ball, i've watched him grow up. and it feels like, even though i've watched him play all his life and grow up all the way through -- i've missed a lot. i've missed SO much. i can't remember ever hugging him, much less having a decent conversation with him. anytime that i could relate to him and feel that brother-sister connection, it was like a gift because we hardly get that. and him going to college is the final thing. just me and jeff. just us two. andrew won't make a lot of time to visit -- the top reason he's excited about college is "getting out of the house." i wish i'd made time earlier to be more of a sister to him. but in all truthfulness, it's too late for that. i should've started years ago. it's just that he's never forgiven me for being born, ending his spotlight as the only child. i can't ever remember him saying a good thing about me or making room for me to fit in. and i know that, if he read this, he wouldn't be happy, because he's my brother -- we LOVE eachother. we just don't really show it. i want to show it but i don't think he'd accept it. i'd make him look bad. i hope that he knows that, when he's partying in college, i'll be thinking about him, and remembering times like when we would ramp our bikes over mounds of dirt in our neighborhood. i wish i could be a tomboy like that again. i wish i could've pointed out the one time i knew that he loved me. but i can't. i can just smile remembering how he purposely runs into me when he's trying to get by, and then smiles that little sly grin. when nobody is around, he acts that way. i love him that way. when i graduate from highschool, he'll be graduating from college. that'll be the end of it. even now it feels like i'm mourning for someone that's died. lord, help me ... i really don't want to grow up. why can't it be that we can go back to when he recorded me riding my bike on camera? i wish i could be six again. i wish i could relive it when we would walk over to the bus stop every morning. i still remember vividly that one day him saying, "i'm not going to ride the bus with you anymore, so you're going to have to walk over by yourself next year." i was so scared that i wouldn't make it alone without him by my side. now it's like him saying, "i'm not going to be in your life anymore, so you're going to have to find a way to be humble" or "i'm not going to be in your life anymore, so you'll have to find another big brother." i hate that -- i detest it. i wish i could turn back time. and the thing i hate the most is, it's like i'm not even his sister. it's like i'm just an obstacle in his life, a person he has to walk by every morning to get to the refrigerator. it's taking everything i have to not cry right now. i hate being depressed. but most of all i hate it when the day before, i was perfectly happy, without a thought of what i'm thinking about today. and now all that happiness is gone for the remainder of time that i'll have 100% focus on this. and what i hate about spilling out all my thoughts and feelings and memories is looking like some cry-baby sap. don't you hate that? ergh. and the hal situation got worse last night, too. i kept reminding myself that he's going to forget me as the years go by. i hate it how you think of every little thing a person does, and you know that they'll never know how much every little thing they did affected you. i hate how i have 100 letters to him, and he'll never see past me having that crush on him. i hate how i'll look obsessed with him the rest of my life. i hate how he can't be my second older brother. i hate how andrew's growing up. i hate all these thoughts, even though i know that i need them to get through the rest of my life. i hate the realization that i'm going to grow old and lose life and die. but what i hate more is the realization that everyone else is going to grow old and lose life and die, too. i just hope that they'll grow old and lose life and die with me. seeing my grandpa got me so sad because i know that, within my lifetime, i'll have to end up going to his funeral. i hate funerals. i've only been to one but one is enough for one person in one lifetime. i remember when my grandma died and my dad was saying this wonderful eulogy about her, and he started to cry. the priest guy then told us that we shouldn't cry, but be happy, because she was in a happier place. in all honesty, i know that's true -- but i don't believe it was his place to tell my dad so stop crying. his mother had just died. yesterday, during the car ride home, i started to ask myself ... what's the point of life? i'm not saying it's pointless ... but i just really want to know what it is. i look ahead and i dread my future, because i know that i'll end up old and lifeless and ... dead. though i know this death is only physical, a fear of mine is to die and leave everyone behind. i can't leave everyone behind. i can't because that "everyone" is my LIFE. if i go to heaven alone, where's my LIFE? if i die alone, my life will be god, and only god, until the rest of my life arrives. my biggest fear is jeffrey not going to heaven. he has down syndrome -- he can't understand everything about god and heaven and hell. but if he grew up and never knew about god, he would go to hell, correct? or would i be the one to go to hell because i never taught him about god? because, in truth, no matter who or what you are, you can always have a soul. would i go to hell because i am the only one that realized this and never did anything about it? in his world of spiderman, winnie the pooh, toy story, and monster's inc., god is nonexistent. he doesn't understand how we came to be. he doesn't wonder how the world was created and how we came to this planet. he just accepts it. he never questions it, simply because his life as a disabled child doesn't include a worry for it. his mine doesn't extend to that. my purpose in life is to bring him to christ. somehow i will teach him how to love jesus, and i won't die until i do so. i can't let him live without any hint of god in his life. without god, life is no life at all. it is never too late to believe in god. and with that, i leave you the rest of your life to actually live. <333, au†umn "it's not a question but a lesson learned in time. it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. i hope you had the time of your life. so take the photographs and still frames in your mind. hang it on a shelf of good health and good time. tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. for what it's worth, it was worth all the while. it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. i hope you had the time of your life." |
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letjesusn16 | hi again, 06-27-03 3:16am yalp u get another amen. I didnt know u played softball...anyways whats CC? I kept seeing that and didnt know what that was. You write alot too. I might have to go to a funeral tommorrow. Its my friends funeral. His names matt...he was sixteen and died in a car wreck. he ran a stop sign and was driving a four wheeler. Its sad cuz he'll be trully missed. RIP.
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aushpog | Re: hi again, 06-27-03 11:48am nope i dont play softball but my brother plays baseball and i go to almost every game. cc is cross country, it's the school running team thingy. lol.
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