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| musicalbabe (profile) wrote, on 7-19-2003 at 2:33pm | |
| Subject: dunno...we'll see how it turns out... |
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| well i have a lot to say and a lot of time to say it all. the problem is where to start, and how i want this to turn out. man, i stand by my famous line: 'keep talking!! if i think too much i get so confused!' so i'll try to 'talk' and not get too confused. i warn you now: this will be long. you will not want to read all of it. this is for me, not for you. you have no obligation to read it all. you will not be any less of a friend to me if you stop here. so...got back from camp a few hours ago. amazing experience. i wish the words would just flow out of me to describe this wonderful, eventful experience. (k, am i spelling that right? isn't that what jeff mispelled on the marching band poster?? o gosh...better stop thinking) the camp is camp unique, held for 3 two-week sessions at woodside priory every year. you know the priory, its a great campus, even if the school is just comme-ci comme-ca. i took drama, dance, yoga, and horseback riding. in between classes i worked my *insert what u want to say about my ass here* ass off in between those times doing various things: helping councelors set up for activities, helping anya with lunch stuff, doing snack duty...etc. now i can't say that i didn't have ANY time to chill, but it was definately limited. being a CILT (camper in leadership training) did have its perks though. we had a CILT night instead of doing bingo night with 9 pints of haagen daaz ice cream and 3 large pizzas. we stayed up till around 11 (ooo...so late...haha) chatting with mark and richard (o kill me now I LUV THEM) about random shit. got jamba juice when jenn 'left', and stayed up till around 2 last night (well technically today) eating mc donalds and watching 'a walk to remember'. and these are only a fraction of the memories. there was the fact that i was on a diet...(tomorrow morning we'll see how well i did) endless excersise, amazing learning experirences especially riding at springdown and jumping with carol on rembrandt, skyler, and pizazz, and learning what kind of a person i want to be from the councelors. lynn, jen, tucker, christine, and matt especially taught me a few things about what i can become. even at camp there was the stupid hierarchy of popularity. i was so focused on myself though that it didn't bother me as it could have until a few days ago. yeah, so maybe i'm selfish and self-centered, but i felt like that was what i needed to do to get the full camp experience this summer. and its not like i was in my own little world; i helped countless campers cheer up and let many new people into my life. a few of them were chloe and claire, both from france. claire roomed with ali, nicole, and i, and chloe with danielle, bianca, and lindsay. although chloe was a bit on the lesbian side (not a problem, just a little scary and uncomfortable at times) she was nice and ummm...yeah. she's cool. very outgoing and i'm thankful that she was there to help out claire. claire was quieter, less touchy-feely (thank God) but a really great person. except for her random theiving schemes and turning down the fan every night, she was nice. its really sad that biana's never coming back. geez, i've run out of words already. it was just an amazing session and i think it was proven last night when everyone just hugged and cried for an hour at campfire. *** now on to a different, just as major issue: i think my mom is engaged. gee, i wonder who? yup. he bought her a ring at the art and wine festival. i really do see ali's point that it might just have been an artsy fartsy still-dating but getting more serious gesture, but you never know. its kind of sad that i can't trust them. they were dating for at least 3 months last summer without me knowing. my mom would say she was flying to san diego alone, and stay with him at his house. i did get suspicious once, but never knew the extent of what was going on AT ALL. not a clue. so in a lot of ways, i'm really innocent compared to most kids who go through a divorce. i think its my subconcious mind trying to protect me. i mean, i even read in brian's letter to me at camp that he bought her a ring and TOTALLY skipped over it. i threw the thought away before it could even skim the surface of my emotions. it was a couple of days before ali read it and it finally got to me that he could be hinting at something. *** and on to new things again. life is just really confusing. and so are the people in this world. i have mixed emotions for so many people and its just driving me crazy. i hate stupid 12 year olds that think they know all about relationships and then snoot down on other people who've 'never even had a boyfriend'. i wonder how many of those relationships are completely superficial. i wonder how much i know about what a REAL relationship is all about. and i wonder about the people i've met, loved, and lost, and how i should be affected by them, and how i've affected them. it would be nice if everything was black and white, but then i guess life just wouldn't be interesting. there are a lot of things to think about now that i'm going into highschool. each day i think i want to be a different person, and see myself becoming a different role. it seems that right now, with my open, optimistic mind, i could fit into any of the steriotypes of a high school. i just don't know which one i'll be. *** alright, now onto the near future: i'll be attneding SETT (summer educational theatre training) camp for the next 2 weeks. the weekend in between those weeks, children of eden opens. this is a big thing. nicole and i want to work backstage. this could be a serious possibility because we'll be seeing the director every day at SETT. hmmm... the fact that it will be the one anniversary show of the fucked up trama of me and kyle is also something to ponder. he's now with christina. i don't really care. but do i? je ne sais pas. i really don't know. with theatre people, things can get ugly sooo quickly. i dont know if i want to plunge head first into a popularity/love triange soap opera right now. maybe i would learn a valuble lesson about life; maybe i would be better off spending my time working out and concentrating on my body rather than my feelings. i just don't know. *** pool party tomorrow. HELL YES. david, andrew, ruthie, annie, thomas, nicole, me. could be crazy cool...haha. church rocks. it just does. its such a big part of me and i love it. although i have my doubts, my faith overrides them. well...usually. but this pool party could rock. *** well, i'm feeling kind of empty now. uh oh, never mind. well whatever. too much thinking DOES make me confused. empty and full at the same time. my apologies for any weird, random grammatical errors. but i think i'm doing pretty well considering that anya, soon to be a senior at a high school in san francisco, can't tell the difference between addition and edition... :-/ |
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myjournal26 | hey mel, 07-19-03 6:28pm i know exactly how you feel. it scares me sometimes how quickly people change their thoughts i mean just the other day i was cracking up and being all happy. now im thinking about lots of things. my fake friends yes theres one. and then theres hi skool i dont really kare even tho i probably do deep down inside. well i guess ill make new friends like YOU but then again there are always groups. and i dont want to be in a "group" cuz then people dress the same way talk bout things the same way and act/change into different things. i guess i shudnt worry that much about those things but somehow i am. i just want to get art on my schedule then ill be happy. dont you ever wonder whats going to happen? i mean LAHS is full of preps and wannabes and punks and stoners and losers. why do you always have to pick??? im not going to. ill shut the fuck up about my nonesense.
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iwish2bemilkywhite | 07-21-03 11:38pm wow... that was a long entry and i'm not prepared to write a long comment(sorry!!!). but stereotype is spelled the way i just spelled it. just to let you know :-)
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