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| cowboy67 (profile) wrote, on 7-31-2003 at 4:50pm | |
| Current mood: contemplative Music: garbage Subject: here, there, and sarcastically sensitively lonely everywhere |
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| internet explorer needs to stop with all of the illegal operations, i can't handle how every 5 minutes it has to shut down. someone told me to update my journal. so.... what's new with me.... i'm confused, i'm lost, i'm pained... but, i'm alive. every little thing that happens to me during the day has an impact on how i feel. i guess how i interpret those things could be skewed to some degree, but it's not anything i can consciously figure out or fix. so perhaps what i think is going on isn't really happening at all. i guess that's a pisser for us humans. with our constant questioning and fears and inability to know what other people are truly thinking or feeling, we're left to make sense of what we're without. and i was never good with puzzles. i hated the huge ones when i was a kid. the batman one my grandparents had up north was cool though. mr. allen always emphasized that the human brain is lazy and wants everything to be as easy as possible to figure out, to make organized, and above all, to make sense. but it's no wonder nothing really does make sense, because our brains are so complex and beyond understanding that even if they were to perform a simple task, it still wouldn't be simple enough to understand, so obviously mass confusion has to ensue. simple in the brain is still incomprehensible to the brain. when i'm with people, like my family or my friends, i usually feel a little bit better. they remind me of what it's like to be happy, to goof around and enjoy it. everyone knows how wonderful it is to laugh. laughing is definitely one of my favorite things to do. of course, i would hope that's how it is for anyone who breathes. lately i've been trying to figure things out. thinking of things i could prove or disprove, ways to experiment, that kind of silliness. maybe i shouldn't major in film. maybe i should major in psychology and minor in film. or maybe i should major in fabulousology. but i can't really worry - besides the fact that i don't want to worry, it's impossible for me to worry about something i don't even know about. something that hasn't even happened. in the past few years, i've realized i'm not good with the future. i can't fathom it as a reality. i'm better at worrying about the past and present. i guess the word "worry" doesn't really fit, so i should say that i agonize about the past and present. looking forward, i'm kind of like, whatever happens happens, leave it up to God, live my life, try to make the right decisions and hopefully things will work out well. but i'm less laid back about right now. when i think of right now, i wonder what got me here, and why i feel the way i do. i feel like i need to be doing something for someone or some purpose in order to feel alive. i'm going to change the world. *smirk* people equate work to life. from the time we're born, life is planned out for us. and we're all the same. life doesn't start until we're out of high school, and by that time we have jobs. and life basically ends when we retire and don't have jobs and become senile and unproductive, right? so the only time we think life is even life is when we have a job. because we feel lazy when we're not working, and for some reason, feeling lazy is not feeling alive. but sitting at a desk for 9 hours a day, doing the same routine every day, every week, every year, makes us feel alive. what i write doesn't always reflect my personal opinion; what i think doesn't even reflect my personal opinion. i've never even had a personal opinion since i left my mother's womb and entered this world. everything personal was stripped from my mind, and i became a product of all the useless information my little gray veiny sponge soaked up. |
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buttercup954 | 08-02-03 5:17am i like how you're kind enough to listen. i love when you update your journal :o) |