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| mle (profile) wrote, on 8-25-2002 at 1:19am | |
| Current mood: tired Music: bob marley - i can see clearly now (random, i know - i loved this when i was little) Subject: she sent me an email from her friend talking about her experience with eating disorders |
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hey hun how r ya? im doin ok. way tired. my computer froze and i decided to just read your mail and hit the sack, so i didnt go back on IM. although my situation was/is way different than your friend's, there are still a lot of things in there that i can totally relate to. obviously, ive never been hospitalized. i never plan on it. (well, no one really does) id love to sit here and tell you that i, too, am over my e.d.'s because of a scary incident and that im totally changed and want to help others and so on. but itd be a lie. and no matter how badly i want to be "sane" and "normal", it will never be that way. and no matter what ive said/done in the past, i dont want to "get better." not now. i know im not ready to. and, quite frankly, i dont think its possible. only 20% of people w/ eating disorders completely heal and get over it. michelle, after almost a year of it, i think the best word to describe the hell of eating disorders is traumatic. every moment is so dramatic and damaging and difficult. you have no idea just what it feels like until you end up in a binge, avoiding certain foods and following all the right tricks, and then running to the bathroom just to stand there, hunched over the toilet, forcing yourself to throw up for nearly an hour, hardly doing any "good", praying no one can hear you over the running water. then you stand up, look at the mess in the toilet and on your hands. the reflection in the mirror: bloodshot eyes, puffy cheeks, red spots under your eyes from sustained intense straining (which bursts blood vessels). the tears. collapse on the floor and just cry, wishing it would all be over. wishing you could be successfull at your attempts, wishing you could take back your actions. wishing you were someone else. then managing to get to your feet, cleaning up, rising your mouth with baking soda to neuralize acid, washing your face. slip out of the bathroom as you dig through your pockets for gum. your throat burns and burns. no matter how much water you drink, it will burn for hours. your head throbs and you feel dizzy. you go to bed, praying you will never wake up. ive gone through that cycle too many times. of course, its a little better when you actually get what you wanted out of your system, but not by much. ive told myself many times im done with purging, and i know im nearing the end, but not quite there yet. ive only done it 3-5 times since we left for out west, and thats amazing, compared to the 3+/day i was doing at the beginning of the year. ive come a long way. but im still working. i didnt go off on that detailed description just to scare you, or gross you out (btw, sorry if i did, i tried to edit it a little). the thing that is unique in my situation compared to virtually all others, is mine is public. my parents know about my bulimia. i even saw a counselor for it (but i didnt like her and my parents let me stop seeing her). kathy, mark van holstyn, brad, chelsey, you, danielle, emily white, lauren, laura brandsen, carolyn (?), ben... god, i cant even think right now. lots of people know. does it bother me? not much. it was my choice to tell them, sometimes it helped, other times it hurt me (like when i told brad in the very beginning and he brushed it off. therefore, so did i). im way open about it. and thats uncommon. i know i shouldnt - one of these times, ill really get sent to the hospital just because theyre scared, not cuz i need it. but i need to be open. its just hard when my best friend is sick of hearing bout it. idk. if you have a bad day, a lotta times you wanna talk bout it, right? kinda vent over it. well, ive had a bad year dealing with this (and dealing w/ food issues my whole life), so i have a lot to vent/explain about. but limited people listening. enter my online journal. but people know about it, and therefore i have to edit what i say in that too, which kinda sucks. ok, i ahve no clue where im going with this. im sorry to go on and on. you know how that goes - get started and just cant quit. either way, please just, dont ever end up like this. be good to your body, no matter what size it is. i love you michelle. and you are lucky to be you. dont forget that, or try to be someone youre not. love always *mle* |
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drunkslut | 08-25-02 4:45pm um...tomorrows not gonna work, i have to go straight to work, if you wanna give me a couple days warning on when you have a day off from everything, then ill be able to get the day off and we can do that~just let me know. and about your entry, how can you say "be good to your body no matter what size it is"? i dont understand! its so hypocritical of you, how can you say somehtin that you dont believe in to someone else and expect them to believe what your saying and live by it? |
| mle | Re:, 08-25-02 8:20pm hey - yea, actually it wont work out for me either, so it *did* work out in the end. lol i forgot i was still grounded. im gonna try to get out early so i can party on thrus and fri night.
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| drunkslut | Re: Re:, 08-26-02 7:37pm hiya~about your text message you sent me this morning! oh, i didnt get it until seven thirty tonight! i was like what the shit! but yea, anyways! about us "having to discuss" this, nope! i dont want a momma speech and i feel it coming on! ive got my own back on this one thanks |
| mle | Re: Re: Re:, 08-26-02 9:43pm no, i wasnt gonna give u a speech. actually, i hadnt even thought about it. i was jk. but ya know, whatever
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