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mle (profile) wrote,
on 8-26-2002 at 9:47pm
Current mood: all cried out, but no better
Music: silverchair - emotion sickness
Subject:
school makes me suicidal


school makes me suicidal. only 2 full days of it is enough to cause a full-out breakdown tonight. i dont know how im gonna last through the rest of the year. every single year since 7th grade, its only gotten progressively worse. sure, some days are better than others, but in general its just downhill. kinda makes you wonder where ill be in, say 5 years. alive? happy? successful? i guess i can only wish.

so what is it that really makes me so miserable about school? i dont know. i mean, i do have a few friends. none that im super-tight w/ or anything, but i got a few good friends i could go to if i *really* felt the need. but they dont know any of my problems as of now. and id like to keep it that way.

but is it really worth living when my life revolves around the hell of everyday life (school, practice, commitments, homework)? today, from 5th hour on, was so bad that between 6th and 7th hours, i almost OD'ed on random meds i have in my bag. i dug up my leftover anti-depressants from my mom's medicine cabinet. i heard they give u a week-long high if you take enough (and based on my side effects from last fall, i beleive it). who knows. maybe ill start myself back up on them. i didnt eat when i initially started them, and right about now, i need something like that. i feel myself quickly slipping back into the absolute chaotic mess of binge/purge. and i dont wanna be there. that is quite possibly the worst torture in the world. even worse than the feeling of suicide creeping up on you from behind.

mle
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spud

08-27-02 8:08pm

man. this bothers me. i would love more than anything to be able to do....well, something. and yet, i'm stuck scurrying about in left field. grr. oh well. hope it gets better. that's about the best i can do at this point.

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drunkslut

Re:, 08-29-02 8:36pm

i must completely agree with spud on this one...

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mle

Re: Re:, 08-30-02 10:27am

see.. idk. im a big mess right now. lol.
there are just certain things i need to get over, and i try. but i fail. and then i get miserable and make things worse. and it doesnt help that i seriously feel like i have no for-real friends. like, i have plenty of talk-to-in-school-and-joke-around friends. but i cant really talk to anyone bout my real problems. and thats bad for me.
i dont know. maybe i really should see a counselor again. but i dont exactly have time to. yea yea yea, my sanity should come before cheer practice and AP classes, but its easier said than done. im already over my head in dirty glares from cheer.
idk what im saying. just mumbling. people are so intriguing to me, yet i try to seperate myself because im damned fed up with getting hurt. and there are no exceptions to that rule. everyone has hurt me. yea. time to write a journal.
mle

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