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| DarkSwordDancer (profile) wrote, on 9-2-2003 at :41pm | |
| Current mood: confused Music: Whisper - Evanescence Subject: ...god i really fucked things up.... |
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| Ok ....arg.....this is really hard.WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD LATELY?? Well for the past 4 days I have been in an emotional tornado. Ok this started friday night ,i went over to a friends house and she had her boyfriend over and her boyfriend had a friend over.I had met him before and knew his name but that was it,but ill call him nova for the time. So as Ashley A and her Boyfriend played on the couch Nova asked if i would like to come outside and talk with him while he had a smoke.Im thinkin ok but you arnt going to get anything.So we walk outside and sit on the stoop in front of the house,and he just starts asking me questions and i just start talking and vice versa.Well we end up spending the whole night talking outside and on the couch.About one in the morning Nova and ronie have to leave and hes like ill see you soon.I didnt think i was that close to him but that whole night i couldnt stop thinking about him. Well in the morning they come over while we where still getting dressed and they are like you guys want to go for a walk? We say ok and on the walk all of them are smoking except me.Nova offers me a ciggaret ,i refuse and he says wow you dont smoke,smiles and walks next to me the rest of the way.While we walk over to the park i catch little glances of Nova staring at me every time i turn to talk to ashley.When we gat to the park instead of going the long way up to the top of the play area i climb up the side followed by Nova.Well we are sitting there and he just keeps staring at me when i finally ask what? .He looks away quickly and laughs.He says come over and sit by me,soi do and leans over and whispers into my ear i think i love you..so now im like wha..a..i.huh?this time he says it so ashley and ronie could hear it and ronie says yeah i couldnt get him to shut up about you.I smile and say no you dont and look away.He puts his hand on the side of my face and pulls my face so its facing him and he says no i think i really do...and i dont know what to do...(now you have to understand how much this all hurt right then and there,think about a dull knife slashing at your heart and multiply it by infinity)this time i just stare at him. He puts out his ciggaret butt and throws it over onto the ground and loks back at me. he says "Ronie we need to go get our stuff and get it chwecked in" ronie nods and we all walk back to ashleys.The whole time i can feel his eyes on my back.We get to her house and ronie kisses ashley and Nova puts his hand on my face and looks into my eyes,i just stare at his he had these beautiful eyes and he drops his hand and tells ronie they need to go.Ronies like we will be back about 4 or 5 pm.After they leave ashley is hysterical.She is like i knew it i knew it .As she runs around getting all dressed up i just sit there and stare at a wall while i scream and cry inside.For once someone likes me with a passion and i cant even....god it hurt so bad..........................as much as wanted to be with him i couldnt. They come back later and this time ashley and i where "dressed up"(for the record she nagged me till i bled).They walk into the house and Novas walks straight over to me and says you look stunning.I blushed so much i think i set my hair on fire.But ashleys like oh they are taking us out to gibson so we can go walk and stuff.I force a smile...we get into ronies car and ronie and ashley sit in front and of course Nova and i sit in back.Well ronie is driving like a mad man in his suv and he hits the brakes suddenly and i fly forward(i had my seatbelt on) and hit my head on the back of ashleys chair.I fly back into my seat and look around,we wernt in an accident ronie just didnt see a light.Ashley flings around and is like are you ok?but Novas already got my head in his hands checking for cuts and what not.Im sitting there saying im fine but he insists on checking . We get to the park and its sunset.I get out of the car and the first person in front of me is nova and he helps me outof the car all the while im telling them im fine.Well with me being preocupied with telling them im ok i trip on the curb and fall .I never hit the ground because just in the nik of time he catches me with one arm and spins me up.I just stand there aw struck.We walk into gibson park and ronie and ashley waste no time and run off.Im walking next to Nova and the first thing that pops outta my mouth is "Thank you ,how,why are you trying to help me so much?"He just looks at me and says" i already told you i love you"He stops and i stop,he turns to me and looks at me."Why dont you belive me?"I just look down ,so caught in what i was thinking to say he just takes a step closer to me.Now he is so close i can feel the heat of his body,his breath,his heart pounding...i look up and hes like" i love you Michelle and nothing can change that".At that moment i was as close to crying as i have been in a year.He just stares at me then his eyes makeing slight movements.I looked at him and lowered my head,"Why do you love me?" and he just says "I dont know."God the pain i felt at that moment was so unbearable i just let my head fall on his chest and just stood there.He put his arms around my back as i closed my eyes and started to think.I thought about this risk the my heart wanted to take and the risk my mind said absolutly not to.We stood like that for ten minutes until i leftedmy head and stared at him.I looked up and saw a trail of one single tear ho from his left eye.I just stared at him and asked why he was crying,he just shook his head and stared at me.He let go of me and stared at the small rays of light escaping the sun as it set ,he looked at me again and leaned down and kissed me with the softest kiss i have ever felt , it seemed he was afraid he might break me.(how can something so soft and innocent open so many wounds and awaken the demons that lay sleeping inside me?)I looked at him and grabed his hand.We started to walk again. We walked back to the car which was locked and ashley and ronie where nowhere to be seen.I leaned on the car and loked at him.I shivered a little because i was wearing a shirt made of sheer fabric,he asked if i was getting cold and i nodded. He walked over to me and gave me his coat.He stood there and stared at me like a was a porcilin doll. He leaned in and kissed me again and this time he didnt hold anything back everything he felt was thrown at me and all i could do was react to what was thrown.After a bit he finally pulled away and looked at me like he did something wrong.He said "I'm so sorry ,i couldnt help myself...."he turned to leave and said"im going to find ronie and ashley.."I grabed his hand and he stoped,he turned around and .......thats for me to know and non of you to ever find out but i will assure you im still a virgin........ We eventualy did go findashley and ronie who where passed out on the ground.We woke them up and went back to the suv.We all sat down but this time i sat NEXT to Nova instead of on the other side of the car.Well by the time we got back to ashleys house ashley and i where exausted.So ronies says he will make dinner before we go to bed and they go home.i sit on the couch still with nova coat on and im sitting up and doze off.I wake up to nova playing with my head and my head in his lap on top of a pillow.I only slept ofr about 20 mins and everyone had already eaten.I wasnt very hunger so i just sat ther and let nova play with my hair.About 10 mins later Ronie says they have to go,i and ashley stand up.While ashley and Ronie do there thing i start to take off novas jacket and i had it to him,when i do he grabs my hand and spins my like we are dancing.When i stop im in his arms.He leans down and puts his head next tomy ear and whispers "I'll see you tomarrow" I smile and they leave.Ashley stands ther mouth wide open and yells WHAT DID YOU TWO DO?? i just smile and say thats for me to know and for you to never know. The next day the come over around twelve in the after noon and the first thing they to is dance with us in ashleys living room.They cant stay long today so we talk and nova kisses me on the cheeck and gets my number and address,and says he will stop by monday night. Well monday night rolls around and im at home.He rings the door bell and the first thing he dose is hug me.We walk out and about for a bit just talking and as we near my house he asks me that question i knew and dreded he would ask he asks "Michelle ,do you love me?"I sat there and stared at him and paniked and said "Yes".He looked so happy god my heart broke into mear molicules and each hurt so much that i had to tell him i wasnt feeling well.So he left and said he hopes i get better. As i sit there my wounds depend and my mind screamed and my heart cried,my demons laughed and my who soul mind and being where in a chaotic swirl of pain hate and loss.I I couldnt bear it,I called Nova up and said "i need to talk to you can you go and park in the collage parking lot ill meet you there."He agrees and i meet him there about ten minutes later i meet him there and he tells my to sit on the hood of his car ,so i do and he puts one hand on the car by each side of my body and leans forward and whispers "i love you so much" and kisses my neck once and brings his head up and is about to kiss me when i put my hand up to stop him."Nova I....I..can't" he moves away "You cant what?"he said i looked at him as one single tear drop ran down the side of my face"I cant love you,not now and probably not ever."i get up and start to walk home he grabs my hand and i turn around hand he says to me something that couldnt have hurt any more"I will wait for you then"he droped my hand and drove off but as he did he started to cry. I....how did i fuck up that so bad,i knew i shouldnt have let myself get to close.God i hurt him and my self so bad its all my fault..........all day i debated wether or not to put this in my journal and decided to because i need you guys to know..... |
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xxraabxx | someday, 09-03-03 6:46pm someday some where somehow someone will see someting makes them say sometime..... |
DarkSwordDancer | Re: someday, 09-03-03 8:22pm hmm...
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silversoldier | ... eep..., 09-03-03 9:23pm Well, unlike RaaB, I have nothing mysterious to preach right now....
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DarkSwordDancer | Re: ... eep..., 09-03-03 9:53pm thanks |