| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| mbenznut (profile) wrote, on 9-16-2003 at 11:54pm | |
| Current mood: Blank Music: Charlotte Church: The Water Is Wide |
|
| I don’t like my life. I keep thinking of the progressive changes that have been made over the years. I think of myself back in Elk Mound. Here was this town of a few over 700 people where I grew up. Yes, I had friends, but none were really close. I never had a core group, I’d sit with people at lunch but as soon as I leave the table they’re talking about me behind my back. Then there was always the stuff that was said to your face. Finally by the end of my senior year I started hanging out with the druggies. Not that they really did that many drugs, I mean most everyone at the school did as many as them, it’s just that they didn’t have any other name to categorize them under because they didn’t believe in extracurricular activities. I found that many in this group were similar to me. They were only in school to get out of that hellhole. I had one friend that I came out to before I graduated. Margaret was/is a neat person. I say was, because we don’t really talk much. We never really did even then when I still lived there. But her reaction was so joyful, I still have that e-mail saved, it was something along the lines of I’m so happy that you told me first. Yet, she was the only person I told until after my and all of my friends graduation parties were over. I chose to tell everyone by e-mail because I couldn’t stand to see the blank look on their faces as they processed it wondering what their reaction would be once they had. Most everyone was great. Tyler said that he always knew I was hiding something, just that he didn’t know what. Jake just ignored me, and still does. JJ thought it was useful so that he didn’t point out girls with big tits to me anymore. Pat was neat he just said, well that explains a lot. Through small town gossip everyone found out. I come home for thanksgiving my freshman year, and everyone I bumped into knew; even people that weren’t friends of my friends. It just makes me think about the first 18 years of my life. Did I really accomplish anything besides making an escape from that place? Look where I ended up. I am in Kalamazoo, MI. Sure we have a few gay bars here and Western does have the largest gay group in MI, but is that really an accomplishment? Most people are very accepting of me. The other night in Jeremy’s room when we had the mini party it seemed as if some of the people were put off when they found out I was gay. Sure they one guy said, I’m cool with it my girlfriend’s dad is gay, it seemed as if he wasn’t. If you are really fine with it, you ignore it and move on, he felt the need to explain that he was. It just made me think twice. All you guys are great, but that’s fucked me over even more. Some of you are more comfortable with me being gay than I am with myself. I know I’ve made a lot of friends, and you guys consider me a friend, but how close are we really? Everyone back home I was able to leave and move here. Even those that were what I think to have been good friends I’ve left behind. I really don’t miss most of them, and even those that I do I don’t miss much. I think back on my freshman year, and everyone I lived with, Jason is the only one that I’ve kept contact with. I still chat with Mike or Chris every once and a while on AIM, but I haven’t been to see them, and our conversations really don’t amount to much. Now my junior year, I wonder how many people I will continue seeing. Jackie and Katie are sure bets because they’re still my neighbors. But after the summer I’ve made new friends like Rachelle, Kelli, Becka, and all those guys. It seems as if I am a situational friend and only have situational friends. I adapt to my surroundings. I want something more firm. I want to be able to settle down. Even my family seems weird. My mom found out I was gay when I was 15. Her first question was if she had done something wrong. Next she offered counseling. Now all she says is that she just wants me to be happy. But every time I hear it I think back to her feeling as if there is something wrong with me. After all for her to have the impression that she may have fucked up, I must be a failure in some way. I can honestly say that I don’t even miss her when I’m here. My entire freshman year all I missed were my dogs. Now I miss my dad and brother some. My dad has become better at showing feelings that I should have known were there in the first place. Now that my brother is settled down with kids, he’s become a good friend. Maybe I’m just lonely and being a dramatic queen. I just need more purpose. If I can just up and leave, how much meaning is there really to my life? Are my goals really something I should be trying to achieve? I don’t think I should even be here. How much can I really do with a degree from Western? It’s not as if it’s a prestigious school, or that I have that high of a GPA, or that my field is all that special. I wonder what else is out there. South Africa is sounding very tempting, California is so much closer, but that’s also one of the drawbacks. I feel as if I need to detach from what I am. I’m not sure who I want to be, but this doesn’t seem right. How can I be happy and content at one moment and so scrambled the rest of the time? Everyone has always thought that I was so rational and stable. I can’t remember if Jason actually said it, or that somebody told me that I was his rock at school. No matter how much drama there was, or whatever happened I seem to make things look normal. I’m glad I’m able to be there for people, but something doesn’t seem right. How am I rational or stable? I want someone to just fix my problems. I know this won’t happen, but it’s a dream. I just want to meet some guy and live happily ever after. Maybe the Cinderella thing is more accurate than I thought. I need someone that I can lean on no matter what, emotionally and physically. Now that I think about it, most of you probably have some very similar insecurities, it’s just that mine so much larger to me. This is all actually a part of life. I just can’t or don’t want to admit it to myself. The motivation isn’t there. And no I did not proofread this. |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
valoticus | 09-17-03 1:11am I will be saddened if you leave. |
foldingfive28 | 10-02-03 11:08am You seem like an awsome person. Email me sometime. jtrow28@yahoo.com. That whole journal entry was extremly inspirational. I think we are similar in many ways. Thanks a lot. I needed that! |
mbenznut | Re:, 10-07-03 10:29pm Not really sure why I posted it, or why it has been on my mind lately. I mean most of it is stuff from long ago that I should have dealt with by now. I guess when I get depressed I think back on other hard times I’ve had. Then that makes me even more depressed. Oh well, life always has it’s ups and downs. Hopefully I get to see more of its ups soon. |