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| glitterkisses (profile) wrote, on 10-10-2003 at 11:50am | |
| Current mood: drained Music: Run to you-Plus One Subject: My heart has taken so many beating in the last month ....I don't know how much more it can take. |
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| So last night, really sucked. Mitch called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the game with him, and he was meeting someone at Hungry Howies and to ask Devon and Jimmy if they wanted to go. So I went over to Josh’s and asked him and I was just playing foseball with the guys and Mitch came over, came in changed, and we left and picked up Devon. Then we got to Hungry Howies, met him there, don’t know about what he thought about the surprise, oh-well. So nothing was happening. When he talked, I just ugh adskfjalsdjflkasdjf knew this wasn’t going to happen. All I kept thinking about was what a bad idea everything was. What an idiot I am. I’ve fallen for the guy with the girlfriend, the guy who I keep thinking is …basically perfect, when the guy who’s really perfect was right beside me the entire time. God, how could I even think that this thing with him could work out. He never tells me how he feels anymore. He’s never going to do it, and even though he’s made me feel like the biggest ass for the past couple of weeks for some STUPID reason there’s something telling me to hang on a bit longer, but I just don’t think I can. I don’t know why I would want to. Because I’m not the one who has control over a single god damn fucking thing going on! HE IS! and maybe, he doesn’t understand that, but I don’t know if he ever will. And there’s nothing I can do about it. If he really wanted this, he wouldn’t still have that. And I don’t know why the hell it’s taken me so long to realize this, probably because all I’ve wanted too see was the good, but now there just isn’t really any left, so all I can think about is all the crap I’ve had to go threw just for him, to end up being nothing. Brandee hates me and Devon with a passion. And honestly, I don’t care that much anymore. But the fact that she doesn’t even have a clue about what she’s pissed about, is what makes me and Devon so mad. First of all, she only knows the half of the story. She thinks she knows all of it, but how could she when he hates her, and never even talks to her. I haven’t done anything wrong here. If anything be mad at him, he’s the one messing around. And I don’t even have anything to do with him anymore…basically. I have no problem with her, either does Devon, so I’m thinking maybe she needs to just get over it, because NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!! ajfkajwd;flkjasf!!!!!!!!!!!!! So all I kept thinking about at the game is how I really wish I wouldn’t have ruined that,just for someone like him. And Emily, I don’t know she’s a really sweet girl, and when I talked to her, everything was cool. So I’m hoping it still is. There’s nothing I can really do because I’m not doing anything wrong. They think there’s a “situation” and there isn’t ANYTHING! The only thing I really do wish, …is that for just a little bit, he could be put into my shoes to see what all I went threw just for him, and how it ended and even though he doesn’t understand how I just have to walk away because he’s put me threw so much, and half the time he doesn’t even know it. So he can’t fix it, he can’t do anything. And I want him, and he HAS to know when there’s something wrong! That’s what it’s all about. But now after I’ve gone thew so much , all this crap for him….. I have to walk away with this feeling of…..being unsatisfied, and no I don’t friecken mean in a sexual way. I mean for everything I put myself threw just to get to a certain point, I’m not at that point and I’m calling it quit’s but honestly….god there’s NOTHING I can do! And I’m going to keep doing this, because now that I know how I feel, it’d be me hurting me, not him anymore. And I’ve had enough crap from this entire situation. It just isn’t worth it anymore. Mitch, is everything I have ever looked for in a guy. And why it took me so long to figure it, I don’t know. But I really hope I didn’t wait too long, because I love who I am around him, I love that no matter how I’m acting, everything is always the same. He listens to me, we have fun together, he knows me, he’s known me since I was little, and I’ve know him since …forever. My parents love him, he’s bestfriends with Jim. I just really hope I didn’t pass my chance because Friday…it felt so right but I was too hung up on him to even look past what was just ….the moment thing, too see the real good behind everything, and I felt something, I really did, when I was there with him, everything for the first time in weeks wasn’t so….crazy. I finally felt like I was in the right place, doing the right thing, at the right time. I didn’t have any regreats, my mind wasn’t racing about anything. Not about what he was thinking, not about what was going to happen next, not about how she’d feel, not about anything! I was just in the moment! And that’s why I know it’s so …perfect. When I’m with him, I’ve realized I’m always just in the moment. I’m not thinking about anything but right then. And I’m so tiered of always having it the other way, “Were going here, he’s coming over at this time, he’ll probably do this, and I’ll probably do the same thing, or that, we’ll be home then, this will probably end up making me even more disappointed, ect” With Mitch…. it’s nothing like that. Everything just ….fits. He’s one of my bestfriends, and that’s the only way I’d want it, having him as a bestfriend first, and that’s what in my mind makes the best relationships anyway. I love how I already know if we were together, it’d be for a long time, and I wouldn’t have to ever worry about all the stuff I do with him. I know he’d be a good guy, because he’s a wonderful guy. And I would never change a thing about him, and I would never want too either. Everything about him I love, and the more I find out, the better it gets. So today I’m telling him everything, and how it goes, I don’t know because of what I said already, I just hope he can just realize that ….he doesn’t know it as well as he knows this. I really do need him. Jess…I am so sorry. You know that I would never want you to feel as though that was the reason. I’m so glad we got to talk last night because I for a minute started to think maybe things were changing, but they aren’t. And we both know that, and you know that you mean the world to me, and I would never do anything to hurt you. I’m so glad I have you to turn too. Last night you helped me more than you’ll ever know. Last night, if you hadn’t of been there to talk to, I don’t know what I would of ended up doing. After my mom picked me up from the football game I just started balling, I don’t think I’ve ever had such a bad night that ended in that way. In the car I just started to tell my mom everything, how I feel like if tomorrow never came….it wouldn’t matter. And I’ve never seen her …like the way she was. She pulled over on the side of 18 mile and just gave me the biggest hug and told me how much she loved me and I just told her everything, and I’m so happy I did, because now she understands why I’ve been so moody lately, and when I got home….I don’t know. But the best part of the night, and this probably doesn’t make any sence to any of you, but was seeing my dad cry. I have never in my entire life seen him cry except when I was 7 , that’s it. He never shows his emotions. He just locks them up, and blows everybody off. But last night he just walked up too me and what I’ve been waiting so long for him to say, “Jess..you make me so proud and so happy knowing that you’re my daughter. I know you don’t think I care, but I do. Just because I don’t always say or show to you that I care as much as you’d like, I do. And I think you know that.” and I just looked at him and…, “Yeah dad. I know sometimes you care, but I need to know that my own father cares all the time, I know you’d care if something serious ever happened to me. But I want to know that you care about the little stuff too, because sometimes I feel like you don’t. And the little stuff matters to me too, if I’m not having a good day, and you know, just don’t walk away, you may like when people just leave you alone when you don’t know what else to do, but I want you to give me a hug and tell me that even thoughy ou don’t know what’s going on, it’ll be ok and that I can talk to you if I need too. *I start to break into tears* I just want to know that you care about me, you’re daughter. I want you to say you’re proud of me when you are, I want you at my games, I want you to support me, not to just think because you’re my father I automatically assume you care, because I do want you as a part of my life, even if I am growing up, you’re still my dad, and I love you so much!” And for the first time in like 7 years I saw tears stream down his face, and I can’t explain how happy I was. It doesn’t make any sence to you, but it makes all the sence in the world to me. And that’s all I need. So last night ….I don’t know what all came from it quiet yet, but so far, the important stuff has been good, except one thing,a nd I really hope that it is important to someone more than just me, and that after school, ….it gets worked out. Jess, I love you! Don't ever forget it, becuase with out you I would never be who I am today. And without you, I wouldn't never even be here today. Jess, God made you because without you my life...would have such les smeaning. And I would NEVER do anything to jeapodize our friendship! When I saw Lylas, I mean forever! |
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| Anonymous | 10-10-03 3:58pm Jess i love you! :)
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.j.e.s.s. | 10-10-03 5:27pm hooray! aww you're so sweet. I'm glad things have been (semi) better today .. for both you AND me. HOpe things continue to only get better. lylas |
breezeyluvsu | 11-08-03 9:53pm hey, okay why the fuck would you put that in my comments?? i HAVENT done shit to you, and FYI SWEETHEART, mitch does like me otherwise he wouldnt of asked me to the movies or he wouldnt of kissed me! and ALSO- he told me hes not interested in you, and honestly i think you know that i dont like you. and i know you dont like me so just stay out of my face! thanks ~brianna~~ |