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| echoingremorse (profile) wrote, on 10-19-2003 at 8:13pm | |
| Current mood: mixed everything... |
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| the past 2 days have been really fun and busy.. Last night i played ultiamte frisbee for a couple hours even though i was sore.. and then i went to randys.. we were makign dinner (shit load ofchicken, potato, grazy) becuase we were really hungry.. it was about 10:00.. and then something tried opening the front door a couple times (thank god it was locked).. and then like 2 mins later somethign tried openign the back door in randys room (which was locked)...and then it tried the front door again...it was really freakign us out... like...i was like "im going to get a bat and open the door really quick and swing..."...and randys like "well, what if it has a gun..i have a gun..so lets get it.."..and im like' "dude, people generally think a couple secs unless they kill alot of people..and plus..id rather nto have your gun accidently go off"...well, anyways that whole thing past and we ate and I went to bed at exactly 12:12...the next day we went to chris's... and when everyoen finally showed up we went and played ultimate frisbee again..me and randy were like wobbling to get there becuase our legs were soo stiff..i saw American History X and most of Fight Club... those were good movies..omg, ive never heard the word "fuck" said soo many times until i saw AHX....i was like.."holy shit, we should count...seriously"..it was even more times then the Blair Whitch Project....and in the end everyone went to the movies except me... ::cries::.... it was really fucked up on the way back from frisbee.. randy and jenn have been trying to get me and her friend to date...and like... I couldnt think of a more embaressing way to meet someone...it wasnt too embarressing but it was just plain weird..like.. randy was like "todd you guys just hang out, we will walk back to the house"...and i have never seen this girl in my life...and im like...uhh...ok... and jenn is trieng to put in the good word for me while we are noth just standing there and it was nice of her to care but seriously, she doesnt know me either and thus she wasnt doing very good at all..lmao...she finally was like "uhh...hmm...lmao...sorry todd...im not helping"..it was kinda funny... it was just blah.... maybe if i could get alissa's AIM...but it doesnt matter...anyways... today was ok..but sittng here now i feel really sad...i hope it passes....and i want to be more open to this journal no matter what soo i am going to be.... im jus tgoing to put it the way it is and if anyone gets annoyed (which sometimes happens) ill just have to play it straight and tell them "shut the fuck up...."....ok.... the truth is in this moment i am hating myself....soooo much... i hate myself for the things i cant change and that hurt me that are out of my control...i hate myself for beign depressed and for hating myself to begin with.. i hate myself for missing the people that i do and shouldnt.. and i hate myself for lieng and saying "writing this in my journal, and letting it all out will make me feel at peace"...but thus far i still am feeling bad... i hate this journal entry......and i hate myself for the fact that i hate this entry becuase it shows that right now im not any better then i was a week ago...i felt good for a long time but tonight im not....and i hate that tonight i care if people think im happy or not... i dotn know how to let it all go...how to not hate....right now its my life...and i want to let it go soo bad and my eyes are starting to get watery as i type this.......maybe if i cry it will help.... but the last time i cried, i cried myself to sleep and it didnt help..... I just have to tell myself that life is to short to feel sad...i just have to stand back up..becuase im my own person..and no one can change that....IM MY OWN PERSON... live everyday as if its my last and know that its fine to jsut let everything out and not care... i wish i had some really deep secrets of my own i could just through out there....but i only have one..and im afraid to say it.... |
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| Anonymous | 10-20-03 9:41pm everyone hates themselves sometimes.. and sometimes more than others.. i can speak from experience.. and even if you feel miserable there are people that care about you and arent mad at all if you hate yourself.. and everyone has secrets theyre afraid to say.. dont say anything unless you really want to.. im sorry to hear you feel so bad lately, it should eventually get better.. dont worry |
echoingremorse | Re:, 10-21-03 1:35pm thanks :) |