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| Upchuck (profile) wrote, on 11-1-2003 at 10:17pm | |
| This just isn't me. Why should it be? So much crap to think about. I don't care anymore. No I do care. I care too much. I got so mad for no reason. I just want to go out and beat the living shit out of someone. It's violence I know. I hate violence. But it seems that this is a part of me. I want to say it's a guy thing but I'm not sure that would be true. Maybe it's because I realize that I just don't fit in anymore. That's something you were always good at Michelle. Your so social it makes me sick. Not in the sick kind of way that I hate it, I just don't know how you do it. Don't say anything back. You don't have to, in fact I don't want you to. No, I just don't fit. I've thought about it so many times, where I come from and where I'm going. I've got too much brains to be content being a working stiff, but I have too much working class stupidity in me to be snooty. Not that I really want to be either, but maybe it would be easier. It would be easier either way because then maybe I could let my guard down. I'm just a fly on the wall. Sitting there, hoping no one talks to me. And it pisses me off. Well no, first it makes me feel lonely. Like I'm the only one in the world. You know those creeping thoughts of suicide that we all have in the back of our minds. Would anyone miss me if I were gone? type things. And then I get pissed at myself for being such an introvert. I get pissed because I can't have fun because I stop myself. No one knows why. I don't know why. And then I get pissed for sounding like a whiny teenager who doesn't know shit. And after all is said and done, I could sit here and beat myself up, ball my eyes out. I could scream at God and ask Him why He did this too me. I could be pissed at my parents for raising me like they did. But it still gets me back to the same place: I hate myself for the ass I am. I hate myself for what I've become. I hate myself for my own thoughts. And when it occurs to you that you would be willing to cut off your own nose, just to spite your face, it's either change willingly, or die hating yourself and the rest of the world because you can't survive in it. |
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mystickittie | 11-01-03 11:29pm I'd miss you if you were gone! |
Kandy | 11-03-03 5:47pm Hey Chuckie I would definitly miss you if you were gone. You should call me sometime again and have another nice conversation and maybe go do something. I'm here for ya if you want and need me to be hun.
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