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mle (profile) wrote,
on 10-7-2002 at 10:16pm
Current mood: hopeless
Music: jill sobule - lucy at the gym
Subject:
today is one of those days where i cant help but break down and cry


today..
what can i say?
im so lost. in all honesty, i want to drop out of school once its legal (ahem, 2 weeks). i know ill be throwing my life away and all, but i just cant put up with this shit anymore. im sorry. its just not me.

i feel like ive been at bat for years, but i cant hit those curveballs like i used to. you can get hit by the pitch only so many times before you just cant get yourself to step up to the plate anymore...
and im close to that point.

i think about it all the time. and nick hickox. of all people...

i dream about it constantly.
im going a big fat nowhere fast.

my dream last night was fuckin crazy. ask me. ill tell you bout it. nick and lucass are in it. and my cheerleading coach. and some other slut. by my grandparents house. we drove around the lake in a car (like, in the shallow part of the lake) yea. i didnt go anywhere too fast... like my life.. (and the dream only gets better from there)

but in all reality, why does it matter if i "throw my life away"? at this point, i dont even want to live. honestly. i just want to sleep my life away. i wish that were possible.

so, on this extremely uplifting note, im going to exit and attempt to write my fuckin 2-page paper due tomorrow morning...

mle

PS marcus... man, i wish hed be straight up w/ me sometimes. i need to know if im wasting my time. i guess thats a little more positive... (?)
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spud

10-08-02 9:02pm

hey. i guess. on the one hand, i don't blame you. if i could just up and leave my life behind, i'd do it too. but what's dropping out going to accomplish? i suppose if you can't afford to eat, you won't get fat. but you won't have much choice. and you won't be healthy.

but yeah. i can see both sides to that argument. but there are always benefits to be derived from muddling through it. beating the system at its own game. conquer the opposition. fighting the good fight. worth fighting for? sure. what's not fighting going to accomplish?

(reply to this)
mle

Re:, 10-09-02 10:36am

eh, im already not healthy. my body is way screwed up. i wont share details cuz i know how guys are w/ girl probs and shit. and ive been losing my hair a ton lately. but its worth it, in my opinion.

not fighting is gonna save my sanity. maybe. i know it all sounds way ridiculous. im very aware. but im so unbelievably distracted.. perpetually! i feel like last fall when i was on anti-depressants and i couldnt focus for the life of me. idk what it is. maybe all this shit in my head is just getting to me.

hey, in response to your email.. for me, the week is always a downer and slow too. ive been raised that i dont go out on weekdays. ever. if im not in a sport, im at home. like, thats how my parents make me live. and its not fun.. :(

anyways.. time to go.

mle

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