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| Upchuck (profile) wrote, on 3-15-2002 at 9:36pm | |
| Current mood: discontent Music: "In The End" Linkin Park |
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| I hate rumors. I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I hate 'em. I feel like no one trusts me or what I have to say anymore. They say things like they shouldn't think out loud because then I'll hear it when they're talking to me and tell someone else. I don't start rumors. I'm not important enough for anyone to bother starting rumors about me so that isn't what upsets me. It's just when I feel that other people don't trust me. Besides, whats the problem with telling the truth when someone asks you a question. I asked a question of Nicole on the way to Grand Valley, she gave me a very honest answer. It doesn't mean I wasn't hurt by what she said, but I asked. When I ask a question give me an honest answer, I don't care if it's going to piss me off. Oh well, I asked you and I can't be mad at you about your opinion of how I act, I can't. I can be, however mad at myself for acting the way I did or having my feelings be so apparent to the world. For those of you who don't know, all my happiness, all my boisteriness, is just show. Honestly when I feel good I feel like that but I'm so outgoing because I am so totally withdrawn into my self. I won't let the truth come out that I feel like I am an absolutely worthless human being. I won't let my deepest feelings for a person that I like (in the full psychological definition of the word) be known. I'd rather cover it up and keep living the way I am living. Maybe it's my only defens mechanism, but I hate being the way I am. I feel so fake most of the time and when i get away from people after being upbeat I just want to cry. Too many times in the past three weeks I have just wanted to let it loose. All my anger, my frustration, my depression, I just wanted to let it all go. I know there are those of you that feel like this out there. I also know how to fix all of these problems that I have. All I have to do is keep the faith. Keep faith that He is ultimately in control of my life and I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. It's a little ironic consider I am responsible for no one but myself, but it's been like I have been too busy for God, and I've got to stop that. Let's all have a good weekend. I hope no one gets killed. Also a warning: All of the things I write down are just to vent, to doa journal for any other reson on the internet would be insane. I say things that arent' always true, but they always reflect what I percieve to be my feelings at the moment that I write. Good night. God Bless. |
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mystickittie | 03-16-02 7:08pm I hate rumors too. thats how a lot of my friendships have ended. I trust you. don't think that nobody trusts you because a lot of people do. espically me.
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mystickittie | 03-16-02 7:30pm hey...how do you get a picture of something on here? |