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| emo414 (profile) wrote, on 11-22-2003 at 12:58pm | |
| Current mood: depressed Music: Wake Up - Three Days Grace Subject: "What do you expect me to do? wait for you" |
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| wow so this is my first journal entry. i am definately not gonna hold anything back. so how about this monday was probably like the worst day of my life, even though for the past year and like three months i think i have had about four days that will always be the worst over any other and those days are always caused by one person, alex. she seems to know exactly what to say to me and when to say it to just keep me hanging on. but this monday her and ben started goin out and to me this "relationship" totally came out of nowhere because on sunday she told me how he came over to her house and kissed her and asked her out and she said no because of me. but then monday rolls around and its an all new alex! he asks her out again and this time she says yes! i swear to god my arm was shaking so bad when she told me that she went out with him on the phone i wanted to throw the phone at the wall and like break it into a hundred little pieces. so now everyday at school i see them together and in all seriousness i want to go over there and punch the shit out of him. but i know that i cant because truthfully i shouldnt have anything to complain about because i threw it all away this time. according to mary vance everyone who knows what "really" happened has no pity for me at all because i had previously told alex that i couldnt go out with her and have to let her go in six months and possibly loose some friends that i could have for four more years. doesnt that seem perfectly understandable. but no i was about to aske her out becase i finally decided that if it isnt for goin out with alex that they will be yellin at me for it will just be somethin eles. like today on the bus after school frankie could just not stop blamin everything on me. i swear all i need to do is find one more person to replace me in a relationship i have and i wont need to live anymore. ben replaced me in alex's life and ross replaced me in frankie's life and actually there is probably someone that replaced me in someonelses life too i just havent really noticed it yet. i think it might just be that this week is the replace ryan week and then next week things will go back to normal. but anyways today in gym i was talkin to mary vance about what was wrong with me and i was like you know what is wrong with me u said it like two seconds ago. and just previously she was sayin how cute she thought ben and alex were together. but then mary vance continues to tell me how much i hurt alex when i told her i wouldnt go out with her because i wanted to keep my friends and that alex has moved on and then i started thinking about everything that is going wrong now, my grandpa, alex, frankie, my mom, dad, and brother, and i just started ballin cryin. it was crazy. im sure eveeything i just wrote seems like a big jumbled mass of confusion but all that is whats running through my head at this very moment. i just cant stand how she said she cant wait on me but i have waited on her for more than a total of like five months. it just bewilders me sometimes how she has the nerve to tell me that she couldnt wait just one more day or even one more week on me but now i have to wait who knows how long again because according to mary vances folder "Alex hearts Ben." blah. | |
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lindseyethatsme | overwhelmed and shocked and sad and -god you need to get happy, 11-22-03 5:40pm RYAN! MY BABY! OH MY GOD. I LOVE YOU OKAY. even if alex -and her stupid new boyfriend that probably won't ever be near as good enough for her as you are- and frankie- whose stuck up ross's butthole everyday like ooh! i wanna go farther up today..and even farther up your ass tomorrow!- yeah..and your parents who are being natzis to you...im still here for you and you haven't been replaced. i promise i love you and frankie loves you and alex loves you. alex is insecure and NEEDS a boyfriend...so when you told her no, she just felt she had to get another guy- i can promise though, those feelings for you are still there in her...she's a girl- enough said. haha. and frankie- he's just finding other people to hang out with and i know its hard for you because hes your best friend and ya know what? erica did the same thing to me last year...she left me for this other girl and it urked me soo bad...but ya know what? i just let it be for a few weeks and then finally, i told erica how much it bugged me and how much i loved her and missed her and our friendship and i made her realize it...and she didn't drop the other girl but we started hanging out again...and the three of us all hung out sometimes. im telling you- everything is happening at once and it seems like its too much to handle...but just as things come they go. remember that. you're gonna get through this time, and something good is going to come out of it- thats a promise. again, i love you bud. and whatever you need- i want you to know im ALWAYS here. always~ |
| Anonymous | to u from me, 05-02-04 5:15pm if u ever come back to this and read it it might have a little meaning to you
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