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| mle (profile) wrote, on 3-22-2002 at 10:56pm | |
| Current mood: apathetic/blank Music: goo goo dolls - hate this place Subject: never-ending nightmare |
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life is rapidly passing me by. i need to snap out of my dazed, depressed, weak trance. im losing control like im losing my hair. my brain has been scrambled ever since those damned pills i took. they ruined my life. they made me gain weight, they made my grades drop, they pushed me to the extreme. i was tripping out on them. i never even got better until i was off them. and here i am in a relapse. but i cant go back to them in the hopes they might actually work this time. i cant stand to gain another 20 pounds. im already on the verge of suicide merely because of the trash pile i call my body. but inside me, i know im just hurting this pile of trash even more. im so sick of being me. why cant i be someone better? WHY AM I STUCK BEING INFERIOR? therefore, i purge. i am killing myself. but in such a way that its the only thing i look forward to. yes, i admit it. i am slowly killing myself. but i cant stop. every day when people talk about this sport and that guy and how theyre so happy when theyre doing them - yea well this is what makes me happy. the only thing that makes me happy. ive tried to get help, it made it worse. *getting help drove me back to you* you are my demoniacal disease, my sadistic savior. i wish you would be with me every moment of every day, saving me from myself. "hold on, dream away you're my sweet charade hey, whatcha do to me would you come back to me? yea i cant do another day im not certain of it anyway im not messing with another lie can i get along without you? tell me lies that you know i need" (goo goo dolls - hate this place) im sorry kathy - i dont think i could ever give it up. the lies it tells me- that everything will be all right; that i can take back my actions; that guilt no longer holds me captive... i truly believe i would no longer be here if it wasnt for you. MLE |
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drunkslut | not fair, 03-23-02 1:44pm when i said i missed my friend, you gave me an altimadum! but then you turn around and say its ok for you to do it cuz it makes you feel better! my friend does the same thing for me and i think its bull shit what you want out of me but hows it a completely different thing for you! ...fuckin bull shit! |
| mle | Re: not fair, 03-23-02 2:31pm ... there *is* a difference. my friend, most likely, wont kill me. and if it does, it definately wont be any time soon. your friend, on the other hand, could kill you the next time you visit it.
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| drunkslut | Re: Re: not fair, 03-23-02 4:24pm "kathy, i cant even begin to tell you the absolutely horrible pain i feel inside. the hurt, anger, shame, guilt, depression, upset, dissatisfaction is so indescribable. its pure hell."you dont have to describe it! i feel the same pain every time that you talk about it! every time that you say you need...i feel the same fuckin shit~everything you feel when youre not doin it, i feel it when you are... |
| mle | Re: Re: Re: not fair, 03-23-02 11:50pm kathy - seriously. i want to kill myself simply over this whole deal.. idk if i told u or not, but when me and mi madre were shoppin on fri(?) i tol dher not to be surprised to find a corpse chillin in my room after that escursion. serioulsy, it wazx horrible. ive gained another 10 pounds!!! im so close 2 just shootin myself. im scared that 1 of these days, those feeling of total hell w/in me r just gna take over my feelings against suicide. and thats jsut.. freaky. i dont want that to happen. i just want to be skinny and like myself. is that really too much to ask for!?!
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spud | 03-24-02 8:59pm man. i'm sorry. my biggest problems involve women not liking me. at least, not in the fashion i wish them to. and i feel so put upon. but, kindof similar in a way. some people use drugs, sex, work, whatever. i just use food, and physical activity. a vicious cycle, i suppose. i'm like the fat jock that gets A's. very bizarre. sorry about the whole shopping thing falling through. it'll happen, though, it's just a matter of when. |
| mle | Re:, 03-25-02 8:48pm eh, dont be sorry. we all have different problems. my only problems are my um, "friend" and depression. all my other trivial issues are direct results from those 2 afflictions. if i could eliminate them (its a if-1-goes-they-both-go kinda thing) i would be perfect. but, alas, i cannot over come either. but oh well - like i said, everyone's got their probs. theyre just different. to you, your woman problem is pretty important. to me, my problems are pretty important. get what im saying?
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spud | Re: Re:, 03-27-02 3:02pm yeah. i get what you're saying. i think i'm getting over sarah. i just don't want to. ooh, beastie boys, good tune. anyway, it's all about baby steps. almost any of your problems you could alleviate yourself, you just have to figure out how. that's my problem too. it's not fun, but nothing is worth going whack over. |