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| silversoldier (profile) wrote, on 12-2-2003 at 9:49pm | |
| Current mood: tired Subject: honest yes or no? |
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| Wow.... I've just been through much of EmotionDump's archives... I hate looking at other people's emotions and not being able to say anything to them... Andy, you are a torment... anyways Stuff seems to be slowing down, and I don't know why, because I have had the hugest amount of crap to do over the past week... Honestly... I'm waiting for both my grandmothers to die right now... not a fun thing to ponder on, but I'm tired of hearing their complaints about all their pain, and they say they've lived all they need to live, so why isn't it over for them? ... not even fun to think. It probably shouldn't matter to me much now... as I can't even decide if there's a God out there to take care of us... FUCK, I hate... I don't even know anymore... I just know that I'm not being honest to anyone anymore... I'm tired of all my secrets, but it's not like I can just out with them, not like I can just say, hey, I'm Nick, and I've got all these FUCKING PROBLEMS attacking my head right now. Because that's the start of the problem. What's harder to think is that we all are like this... would be better to just drop the load and say, "these are my problems, love me." ... but no, we have to worry that we're too sinful to get into some Heaven that no longer sounds ideal anyways... I don't even feel good saying that... How do I know what's happening with the God or Gods or Spirit or Nature or Fate of us... And why is it that so many other people *always* know what their God is doing for them. Just smile at the world and watch it pass... everything will be alright if you don't take any offense... Well, then... how is my voice supposed to be heard. It's a fucking exercise in the art of contradiction. There is no path anymore, because to be on one path means doing something in the other, so why don't I just stand here in the meadow and watch the rest of you make the mistakes I couldn't because I have no faith to guide me, to let me stumble and live after flying through the chasm... I don't want to commit suicide... I'd like to find out some answers to the why's in life first. When I know what I need to know... I'll leave. Maybe that's why the grandmas are still here.... But what's left for them to know? Why can't I find it out with them? ... Why is there conciousness, when all we are is a bundle of individual cells... There's got to be some guiding thing with purpose for us all... but what, and why the torment? Here's a start. I've developed extreme anxiety problems ever since my argument with Schylar last year. My eyes changed green last year, around the same time I started calling myself insane. I can't stand being in crowds of unknown people anymore, because I don't want to be in their way, and I don't want to hurt them. I argue with my parents because I want them to see me as who I am and not what they want to see. I'm looking for the book that will give me the answers... I thought I found it a few times... but maybe it's the collection that matters... Last thing for tonight: I've had bisexual tendancies for the majority of my life. I never get close to anyone, because I'm afraid it's the wrong someone... I can't say what love is, and it's a pain and great torment. That's it... that's all I can say today. |
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DarkSwordDancer | o.o, 12-03-03 10:53pm The changes in life are never easy(this is all going to be very cheesy but read on you may get something out of it)life is here to make mistakes...its like a peice of art..no one can tell were the mistakes are until you tell them.i have no faith that guides me...actually is mainly a few friends and my own twisted thoughts i tell no one......im not completly honest with anyone for if i was i would live in a dark little place all alone....ive also started to develope the fear of large crowds...only i just down want them there at all......i hope you know that if you every fell down a dark chasm your friends would lift you up...every single one would help...and nick i personally dont think i could stop being friends with you no matter what little secrets you hide from all of us, you are my friend and nothing will change that. |