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mle (profile) wrote,
on 3-27-2002 at 11:25pm
Current mood: awkward/scared
Music: pink - lonely girl
scared shitless about kathy... im thisclose to calling her dad. but i cant disrespect her like that. not unless i *know* its super-serious. this isnt the first time. if she doesnt answer her cell again, i might be forced to call her dad tomorrow at work and inform him to hide the pills and sharp objects. this is bullshit.

on a semi-lighter note...
laura and mark (old bf) stopped by today for an hour or so. they actually had a point this time. total confrontation regarding the 2 things they believe i have a problem w/: alcohol and bulimia. i do, but i dont.
alcohol: im fine! seriously. i dont know why they think im that big of a drinker - im really not. not anymore.
bulimia: thats a hazier topic (its kinda awkward just to say the word...) its so complicated. like, the fact that ive discovered the tricks of the trade in just a few short months and how it makes me *happy* to throw up - yea, thats scary. but i control when i do and when i dont. like, i havent in the past 3(?) days. yesterday and today i barely even felt the need to! but the thing is: i feel 1000x worse when i dont do it than when i do. *thats* my problem w/ bulimia: it makes me feel better. often times, eating disorders dont mainly concern food/weight issues (sometimes not @ all) and thats kinda the case w/ me. like, i know bulimia wont make me lose weight. prevent me from gaining it, yes, but not lose it. but theres something deeper, more special that that in it. it erases the past. for once in my life, i have the control to change my previous actions, and that is the most liberating, empowering feeling in the world. i cannot describe the horribleness of guilt/regret. it taunts me endlessly. when i purge, all my problems go w/ it. it frees me. i love it. they want me to give that up. ... which is hard. purge and sleep: the only things that make me happy! how do i live w/o 1 of em? miserably. thats how.

MLE
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drunkslut

03-28-02 10:18am

sorry you think this is bull shit, wait actually, no im not, not at all! i would advise against the whole tellin my pops thing! you know about my trust thing, and trust me, last night it got multiplied by like a million! im havin major problems right now with friends and fake friends and all that bull shit, the last thing i need right now is for you to play hero and run and tell daddy!

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mle

Re:, 03-28-02 1:06pm

heres a deal: you quit scarin the shit outta me and i wont say anything. kathy, to me, your life is more important to me than trust.

MLE

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spud

03-28-02 4:27pm

hey now. stop tellin me about this stuff, or i might have to feel sorry about you. your life is far more messed up than mine. but i know what your problem is.....
instant gratification. people feel better for a little while by doing something, but it doesn't really fix anything. it just postpones/conceals the repercussions. and it's not good for ya in the long run. tears up your throat. messes up your stomach. you can hear all the horror stories in the world but it's not going to save anyone that has really gone of the deep end. i think you may have, a little. you just need to figure out how to make yourself feel better. and lots of it is surrounding yourself with people of a good mentality, and a good sense of humour. just a thought. you don't need to lose all the friends you have now, and apparently kathy's the only true one, i'm just saying to try and find some new ones. easier said than done, but i've seen it happen.

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Upchuck

03-29-02 1:12pm

Spud's right and all I have to add is that you know why you're doin' it, thats the first step to stopping it.

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