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tinaker (profile) wrote,
on 12-15-2003 at 9:48pm

Subject: Siblings sure know how to ruin a seemingly flawless day.

To those that matter,
I'm not going to apologize for my sister's actions, though I do take full responsibility for what happened. I'm tired of taking the blame for everything she does; tired of being treated as if I were the one whose hand dealt the blow. I'm upset at what happened, but I am not apologizing on her behalf. Inevitably I sit here with the weight of fault on my shoulders and I know why. I had placed an inborn trust in her, a trust that continues to wither, but a trust that boils down to kinship. In my deepest grasp and strongest clutch on this trust, I felt sure that she would look up the lyrics as requested and leave everything else be. But, no, that obviously was not the way the events unfolded tonight. Every name that signed in tonight she had the troublesome urge and childish impulse to strike up a needless conversation with that undoubtedly resulted in minor, if not mass, humility and mockery on my behalf.

Yes, this is my older sister.

It's an emotionally staunching, a crippling feeling, that the one who I have tried to look up to is the one below me. It does not make me brash to say that I am far more mature than she is. Which tends to be my downfall. I keep thinking of her as an older sister but, other than age, she is not. She will never be if she continues her incessant charades and ongoing displays of radiant stupidity.

But, I am not here to make a fool of her, as she has done to me and though this rant appears to have done so unto her. I realized farther in her game that I should not have left my account up. Even as I entered in the midst of her folly, after spewing her current situation to two strangers, they both did not seem to mind the sheer stupidity and random foreign language, even racial jokes, that she sent to them. I was irked that she took the initiative of conversing with those on my list but, somehow at the same time, mildly reassured in the trust I held with her that she would not ruin anything between the person and I, and so I left the room. That was mistake number two and that would subsequently mark me as fairly stupid as well.

The third person she bothered that night was the one I regret the most. But, I cannot change how the events were acted out and so I won't even apologize for it. Typically, I feel like I should, but I'm not going to. Yes, it was my fault for leaving the account up, but if anyone harbors negative feelings on me based on what my sister said, it's not worth my apology at all.

I only know of four people she vexed tonight. There is no doubt in my mind she poked fun with more. I was in another room for the most part of the night and all I know is what she told me through a laugh. My sincere apologies for not signing off, but don't expect me to say sorry for anything else, or everything else.

I can no longer care for more than myself. And I have no need to. This will never happen again.