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| mystery (profile) wrote, on 11-18-2002 at 2:09pm | |
| Current mood: in some degree of pain, in some degree of fear Music: Joni Mitchell, "I am on a lonely road and I am travelling..." running through my head Subject: life aches. |
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| I feel like I'm taking a risk, making this a public entry. It's not really public, there are very few people I want to share it with, but I think they're the only ones who read this journal anyway, so why should I worry. If you're not Dan, Wendy, Em, or possibly by some miracle Kelci, could you please stop reading this right now? I'd appreciate it. If you're one of the above mentioned people, well, thanks for listening. It's been a very rough 18 hours or so. Dan and I had a fight last night, a rather bad one. I'm not going to say what it was about, but I was definitely in the wrong, and I'm sorry. I expect too much of other people sometimes, and the fact that I expect it of myself too doesn't really justify it. We resolved it and everything felt a whole lot better, though I guess I still felt and still feel pretty bad about the fact that it happenned at all. Beloved, I did not mean to hurt you, I never want to hurt you. I love you and I'm sorry and I hope we didn't leave each other in a mess of open wounds, it really felt like they were healing at least a bit. But then I had nightmares all last night. You were hurt bad and I could tell you were hurt but you kept telling me it didn't matter to you as it obviously didn't matter to me and why should I be upset you were leaving me, you'd still send me the magazine articles. I don't know which magazine articles that dream you was referring to, but they weren't at all important to me, what I needed was you and you didn't see that. So I woke up again and again in tears and fell back into the same dream. When I woke up for the last time at 10:30 this morning I wanted very much to talk to you and have you reassure me it was only a dream but you had already left for class. So I told myself it was only a dream and I believed myself until Shantida started IMing me. Somehow she seemed to already know the details of our fight. And that scared me, scared me shitless. She kept throwing accusations at me, that I was hypocritical, that I was afraid of her, that I was intruding on her life and expecting her not to intrude on mine. That whenever you were in a bad mood it was because I was talking to you. That you'd be better off without me. I was sobbing by then and mercifully she had to go and I sought comfort from every source I could but Em wasn't there and Kelci wasn't there and Wendy wasn't there and your mom wasn't there and Greg told me I'd just have to ask you, whether you'd be better off without me or not. Later I got to talk to Em and she at least was able to tell me not to listen to Shantida, to block her (which I did) and not make myself deal with her when she's determined to get under my skin. But she doesn't know whether I'm a good or bad thing for Dan, she says he barely talks to her anymore, so that wasn't all that reassuring. And then thank all the gods for my favorite pixie who not only convinced me that anyone who dislikes peanut butter is definitely not worth listening to but also dragged me out of my room to go on a saga cookie run (¡muchas gracias, Wendito! Te amo muchisimo.). But now I'm still waiting for Dan to get back from class and I'm starting to worry he won't stop back in his room between classes and I won't get any definitive reassurance that he does in fact still love me and shantida doesn't know what she's talking about and I don't need to be afraid that she's right until late tonight -- if ever. Danny, I love you, please tell me she's wrong and you're happier with me than without me. But if you can't tell me that honestly, please tell me the truth and get it over with. I know I'm happier with you, I know you brighten my life, and I know I need to know whether I mean that much to you -- or not. |
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MortDAmour | I love you, 11-18-02 6:17pm I love you, thinking about you helps put me in a better mood, and regardless of what she says, i am much better with you in my life then with you out of my life. you make me happy, even when we fight, we manage to put things back together afterwards, and i manage to be in a better mood for talking to you afterwards then i would'vebeen otherwise
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