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| mystery (profile) wrote, on 12-1-2002 at 6:03pm | |
| Current mood: not sure. Music: "absobloominlutely fabuloso" and "lyllabues" Subject: a letter that will not be sent -- but if you find it and read it, that's okay too. |
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| Dear Shantida, Yes, I'm writing to you. That might be stupid, it might just make me unhappy, but it might also help me work through some things and maybe feel like some sort of closure to this whole mess. I want to tell you a story. It's the story I've told to a lot of my closer friends who have found me in tears in the past couple of months. But I realize that you've never heard my version of the story, and I've never heard yours, and that may be where some of (or all of) the complications lie. So I'm going to tell you the story I've told so many times, but I'm going to tell it in the second person this time, which I haven't ever done before. I've known Dan somewhat since I was in ninth grade and he was in tenth. We were in C.P. Biology together. He was quiet and seemed a little scary -- but all boys were scary, so that's nothing special -- and that was the entirety of what I noticed about him at that point. At least that I remember. I didn't really start noticing him until tenth grade, during Cecile, one evening when Kelci called me up and said she had something "kinda funny" to tell me, that I might want to know. She said she had been sitting by Dan during rehersal that day and, on a whim, had asked him who he thought the prettiest girl on that stage was. And, according to Kelci, he said, "well, Emily, Mora obviously, and Cora" and Kelci had said "Cora?" and Dan had said "yeah, definitely Cora." (According to Kelci that was the extent of the conversation, but Dan told me a few months ago that it had continued with Kelci saying, shockedly, "but -- she doesn't shave her legs!" and Dan had thought that quite a strange reason that he shouldn't think me pretty). So yes I definitely thought that worth knowing, I stowed it in the back of my mind as something to reassure myself with when I needed it, and I needed reassurance a lot that year, it was a very, very bad one. Anyway that summer was the first one that I worked at Cover to Cover, and Dan came in a lot (I know I've told you this before, but it's part of the story as I tell it). And he always looked at me as though, well, as though I was a pretty girl he had some interest in, and this of course terrified me, but it was really, really flattering. And Gianine saw the way he looked at me and thought it was really cute and started teasing me about him. She always sent me to wait on him, fairly obviously, and I always tried not to blush, but didn't really succeed. And he was blushing too a lot of the time, and that was really cute and flattering. And I could never quite look straight at him, because I could always feel him looking at me. And Gianine and Sara say that when he came into the store and I wasn't there he always looked so disappointed. He denies this, but it is true -- I saw it -- that his face just lit up when he walked in and I WAS there. And then there was a day, maybe it was late in tenth grade or maybe early in eleventh grade, yes, early eleventh because it was during chorus and in the bandroom, when Em told me she was worried that Dan had a crush on her and it was a terrible blow to my ego. Despite the fact that Dan's crush on Em was something that "everyone knew about" (or was it at that point? she herself was just finding out --) I didn't know about it, and it had, I realized then, been rather important to me to know (with Gianine's constant encouragement) that he *liked* me. I tried to brush off the disappointment while I concurred with Em that he was definitely not "our type" and what I would do if I were her would be to sort of break it to him gently, and be kind to him without getting his hopes up. I have no idea what I would have actually done if he had been openly interested in me at that point. I told myself it didn't matter to me, but it kept coming back into my mind for the following year, year and a half, so I guess it must have. So then, to continue the story, in eleventh grade I met you, and we got to be friends. And I never told you any of my history with Dan, it didn't seem important, all this about him was entirely peripheral to my life at that point, except when Gianine was teasing me about him. So no, he didn't really become a presence in my life until our senior year -- his second senior year. And you and I and he were all in the same homeroom, and we had some of the same study halls, and we all liked to hang out in the auditorium, so we were spending a lot of time together. And he was flirting with me a bit, and I was enjoying it quite a lot. You remember the day with the paper airplane hall pass? I was flying on that. But trying to deny it because at that point I was still trying to stay devoted to Corey Collins. Anyway then there was that day, it was open house night, it might have been the same day as the paper airplane actually, I'm not sure, anyway you and I and Kelci and some others, I don't remember who, were sitting around the auditorium chatting between the end of rehersal and the beginning of the open house, I was working on my pants, I remember it distinctly, you had just found the first piece of Cecile fabric for me and I was thrilled to death, anyway you were complaining about being single and you said something about how at this point you'd just run at anyone who showed any interest in you and I said "yeah, join the club" and Kelci turned to me (to me. to ME. or am I remembering this wrong? or did you miss who she was talking to? or am I crazy and none of this memory happened at all?) and said "Dan thinks you're hot. Go have sex with him." and I said no, I couldn't, I didn't know him well enough and if I were to fuck him I'd never be able to look him in the eye again. And within an hour I had completely forgotten about what Kelci had said but months later I remembered it and wondered -- and still wonder -- whether maybe that comment of hers was why a week later you suddenly decided to be head over heels in love with Dan. Or maybe it wasn't that sudden, how should I know? It certainly seemed sudden to me, since the previous day you had been gushing about Tyler Burgee. It took me a good while to figure out, actually, that the subject of your infatuation had changed. And when I realized it it felt like a blow to the gut. But I swallowed my disappointment because I knew I had no right to claim prior attatchment since I had been very careful not to encourage him, and after all why should it mean anything to me that he had always seemed to like me? And then within a week you were going out with him. And I talked myself into believing I was thouroughly happy for you, and devoted my time to developing my minor crush on Nick McPhetres into a fullblown big deal. This is my biggest problem, and maybe what you're angry with me for: I always talk myself into going along with what others expect of me so well that I can't even tell I'm playing the part -- until it becomes too hard to bear and I break under the stress. So yes I successfully convinced myself that I was nothing but happy for you and I was not and never had been interested in Dan and I believed this and was even happy with it until mid-February. And then I started realizing that he really did mean something to me and that as I had gotten to know him better, spending time with him and you, I had started caring about him more and more. And I fought it. I fought it quite hard for a little while, because I didn't want to fuck up anything for you. I had heard so much from you about how happy you both were and the last thing in the world I wanted was to cause any problems between you. You can believe that or not, but it's true. I started inlisting other people to tell me periodically to stop thinking about Dan. Allie Lavoie was the principle one, she told me to "stop thinking about it" uncountable times during the last few weeks of "Audience" and I was profoundly grateful, but it didn't help, really. And then all through that time you were constantly teasing him about me and me about him, in front of each other. I'm not blaming you for that, you didn't know how close to home it all hit, you were so secure that he was long over me and I had never had any feelings for him. If I had known you were wrong on both sides I'm not sure what I would have done, I'd like to say I would have spoken up sooner because once I found out I really didn't like that you had been living in encouraged illusions -- and probably still are -- but I don't know, maybe I just would have kept my mouth shut so as not to hurt you, which I think would have hurt us all in the long run, perhaps as badly as we've all been hurt the way it turned out. Anyhow, with my conviction that you were right, at least, that he was long over me, I felt like the best thing I could do to save my own sanity was to tell you the situation so that you would stop teasing. Of course, nothing worked out the way I expected it would, because you, rather than being upset as I had expected, were delighted with the mess we were in, and came up with a plan that sounded like it would solve it. Or maybe I was responsible for the idea, I don't know, I think I did make the first joke about founding a polygamous colony. I never expected it to taken seriously. I guess it was just luck -- bad or good or maybe only necessary, I don't know -- that you did think seriously about the idea, and when I wished for "a solution" you had one, and for awhile everything seemed possible. For a week, actually. That's how long it was before I realized deep down inside that it wouldn't work, though I kept trying for two months. The first week when Dan and I barely said two words to each other and never saw each other out of your presence. You thought we were real cute until we had a conversation that started without you. I don't think you were ever happy with the experiment after that, were you? But you kept trying to keep it going because you knew the only way out was for one of us to leave and you knew that if you were the one unhappy with it you should be the one leaving, but you wouldn't. Anyway I still wanted it to work after that night and thought that it could, until I found out that Dan had been wanting to break up with you since before the experiment started, and stayed with you only out of curiosity about whether we could make this thing work. And I felt just awful about participating in that deception. And I'm sorry, truly sorry, that I allowed it to continue. But on the other hand I don't think it was really my business to solve that problem. I wish he hadn't told me what he wouldn't tell you. I really didn't know what to do with that knowledge that wasn't mine to have or to deal with. I still don't know what I should have done. Probably I should have left the relationship, I should have said "I can't be part of this experiment that's not working, if someone's always miserable I don't want to be involved." That was pretty close to what I did say, a month later when I actually said it. But anyway. At that point I didn't know what to do and probably wouldn't have done it if I had known, because I wasn't the one in danger of being hurt. And yes I am ashamed of myself for that. It's not okay for me to support his lies just because they're not hurting me. I don't like lies or untruths or dishonesty of any sort, and it was wrong of me to play along as long as I did. These days when he and I argue it's mostly about his dishonesty, especially his dishonesty to you. Because I don't approve of it and I feel responsible for some of it, because I didn't speak up when I could have. Anyway. Enough dwelling on that. So when I finally felt I had to end the experiment it was because the lies we were all living and the games we were all playing had finally turned on me. You obviously didn't want it to work anymore, you hadn't in months, you wanted me out of the way and you told me I "had really helped things" between you and Dan and implied that I was no longer necessary. I didn't want it to work anymore because I knew Dan was not happy with you, that everything was not fixed, and I didn't like you being lied to or him being unhappy, and also because I so rarely got any time alone with him, and because you seemed to resent me so much. I don't know what he really wanted. He told me he didn't want to hurt anyone. And I think that's true, and I don't think that's healthy, to put not hurting people ahead of everyone's happiness. Anyway what finally broke me was, as you know, prom. I didn't really want to go, not much anyway. And I didn't want to go with him because that would be making you secondary. And I didn't want you to go with him because that would make me feel secondary. And I really believed that the only way to solve that issue was for all three of us to go together -- yes, I know that would have caused a stir, but I think we might have enjoyed it anyway -- or for none of us to go together, which was the best solution I think, and the one I thought I had been pushing for. I guess I didn't push forcefully enough. Or actually I think the best fun would have been if you and I had gone together. We could have really confused people. "Hi, we're Dan's harem, but we decided to leave him at home tonight." At any rate. When I found out he had agreed to go with you it hurt. A lot. I can't bear to feel like I'm obliged to be the shameful secret. He tells me over and over again that I have never been secondary. But I felt secondary. And I was miserable, absolutely miserable, and I had to end it. And I ended it knowing that I might well be losing him completely, and also that I might not lose him. And I told him that he was going to have to date either one of us or neither of us, because I couldn't live like that any more. And I told him that if he was going to break up with me he ought to get it over with, senior project be hanged, because I didn't want to be lead on or encouraged to hope when there was nothing to hope for. And I meant that for you too I think, I didn't want him to lead you on and then hurt you like he ended up doing. But he chose not to hear that plea, and maybe I didn't plead loud enough, anyway he did put off telling me the decision he had already made for the worst three days of my life, and kept leading you on several days longer, and no I don't think I've quite forgiven him for that yet. Anyway a week later when you and I had that fight and then that reconciliation and then he asked me out again and I said yes and you haven't seen me as a human being since, that I should try to tell. I'm not sure anymore which things you told me he said were things he didn't say, but you heard, or which were things he did say, but told me he hadn't said. But at that point there was a lot of leading you on that he vowed he had not done and I believed him, because I have certainly known you to hear only what you want to hear whether it bears any resemblance to what anyone is saying or not. Recent months I've thought that maybe he said a lot more of it than he said he said. And no I haven't any clue what he meant, by anything he said to you or you heard him say or even in a lot of cases I heard him say. But at that point I believed him when he said he only wanted me. I still believe him when he says that, actually. I think he's always meant it and I wish he hadn't told you such a shitload of lies to the contrary. And I wish you would stop blaming me for the lies he's told you. When he asked me out six months ago I said yes because I love him, because I fully believed he meant everything he said to me, and because saying no would have been perpetuating the climate of deception that had been killing all three of us for months. And I thought you deserved better than to be lied to again. I do not regret anything I did that day, or anything since. I've done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in the past six months, and I do believe I'm the only one of us who can truly say that. I don't mind you being angry with me, you have a right to be angry with me, but I wish you'd stop being angry for the wrong reasons. I did not betray you on the first of June, and I wish you'd stop saying that I did. The only way I have wronged you is by playing along for too long, and I stopped that mnay months ago. I don't really know how to tell the rest of the story. I don't feel like I really know all of it. He told me all along that I was all he wanted, all he needed, and I believed him. I still do. Quite honestly I don't really mind that he kept fucking you. I mind that he lied to me about it, and I mind that he lied to you about me. I'm not the least bit angry at you about it, only ashamed for you. Because if I was in your shoes I would be terribly ashamed of myself. That's not to say you should be, you're probably much happier not being ashamed of it, it's just that, as I said before, I would really hate to be someone's shameful secret. And I find it kinda hard to believe that you didn't hate being that. I'm really sad that someone I've always cared about thinks so little of herself that she's willing to fuck a guy who doesn't love her. And I know he told you -- or let you believe, it comes to the same -- that we had broken up. But he says he did always tell you honestly that he loves me. And I really thought you had more of a sense of self worth than to keep sleeping with him knowing that. So I'm not mad at you, and I don't hate you, but I'm disappointed in you and sorry for you. And if that's condescending of me, well, you've earned it. I guess I've always thought you had more integrity than you turn out to, as well as more maturity and less capacity for self-delusion (however aided in that you may have been and maybe continue to be). So there's my side of the story, plus some of my musings and theories. I'd like to hear yours, if you could try to tell it honestly and without insults. If you don't want me to be condescending towards you, it probably wouldn't hurt to act a little more mature than you generally have when talking to me. I miss the person I used to know, before toughness became your self-defense and you made me into your favorite enemy. I miss the girl I could giggle with and talk about ideas with and spend hours reading Anne of Green Gables with, or cooking with or sewing with. If she's gone completely, don't bother to respond to this, I don't think I'll ever understand the person who's replaced her. But if my friend is still in there somewhere, please, I need to know what you've experienced that I've overlooked, I miss my sister and I'll be very sorry if she's truly gone. Much love, Cora |
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MortDAmour | I'm not sure if i should be comenting on this, but..., 12-04-02 12:25am I'm not sure if i should be posting a comment on this entry cora, mainly due to who it's addressed to, not me, and the subject, basically me. But i not only realized alot through it, but it also showed me a part of you that i hadnt known of, and showed me another reason i love you so much. as futile as it is, i do wish i could change how things happened, but as i can't, i can only tell you that i love you, and that you're one of the most wonderful people i know, and that i am very lucky that not only do you love me, but that i can also count you as my closest friend.
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