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| TaoMan1121 (profile) wrote, on 2-10-2004 at 4:02pm | |
| Current mood: introspective Music: Sheryl Crow - The Difficult Kind Subject: rhetorical questions ahead... |
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| I know what I want, and I can't have it. Damn my luck. Still, a good part of the reason I want it is because I can't have it. I've never known what to do with it once I've gotten it, but I think I have a pretty decent idea now. A to B to C to D... E's around here somewhere. Maybe right in front of my face, wouldn't that be ironic? How poetic. I never know for sure, I hate it. I had my A-game going this weekend, but it went away again. It'll be back, but I'd like to be self-effacious all of the time, not just every few days. Which brings me to another question... If I live for pleasing others, then I put myself in the backseat and I'm unhappy, but if I consider myself first, all of a sudden I'm a narcissist. I think I asked this in my journal last year, but is it narcissim if you can back it up? I told Molly a couple weeks ago that I'm a narcissist with low self-esteem, and I think that can be a pretty decent explanation of how I can be. A majority of being a certain type of person is how much you believe that you are that person. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that stuff I've said for ages now... that's another thing. I keep finding that as many new things that I've learned in, say, the last year, an even greater number of things were exactly what I believed them to be in the first place. The problem with living totally within myself is that I've never been in a completely stable state in my life, as good as it has been. I can't trust myself enough to put me in my own hands. So I attempt to encompass myself with the ones I love, and deduce what they see in me. I see all and more of what they see, but a bad thought pulls me down with such force... the dark side is so alluring, that it's tough not to be called over. Every one of my actions is second guessed. When an outside source, especially a loved one, agrees with a doubt I have in myself, my grip and self-esteem collapses. I believe in my strengths a great deal, but I believe in my faults just a little more. This year, it's been all about "what I can fix" instead of... well, what should I be concerned with? This isn't sadness, it isn't depression... as I write this, I feel a lot better about myself. But I do feel lost, and the meaning of this thing is presently lost on me. And even if I find peace within myself, I still worry that I can only be complete with the help of another. That no matter as much love as I have for myself, it's going to be what I do for another that I measure my life by. I'm still working on all this, and I recognize the great progress I've made, I just want an intermission... a lunch break if you will. |
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TaoMan1121 | i'm what you call "in-touch", 02-10-04 4:39pm ::re-reads my entry::
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Fanelia | Re: i'm what you call, 02-10-04 8:03pm Not that this helps or anything, but.... I surround myself by those I love too, mostly because I'm afriad of being alone, as ridiculous as that is. I guess I'm afriad of the things I will think about with nothing to distract me... oh well.... |