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| lowbacca1977 (profile) wrote, on 2-21-2004 at 4:13am | |
| it cant be good when your body decides to give up on you. i don't know why, but i cant sleep or eat anymore. i'm averaging probably a meal and a half da day, if that, and i'm so sick that its not even like that stuff is staying down neccessarily. i've actually lost weight, its like i'm just wasting away here. emotionally, i could go through everything i'm going through now, and at least manage. even though i've lost her, i'd just keep loving her like the idiot that i've been for the last several months, and be torn up about it, but thats a barable thing. its physically that gets to me. i nearly passed out after standing for less than 5 minutes today.......i feel like my body is just falling apart. and i just want it to end. i hate the physical misery, the sickness, the fatigue, the shaking, the pain.....for one of the first times in a long time, i'm coming so close to just ending this all, because of that. just because i don't want to go on living each day feeling like this. it doesnt' feel like its somethig with a cause, just a bunch of different things that add up to a bad picture. and as for the emotional stuff......it just feels like now shes just trying to forget about me....which, makes sense. i almost wish i could, i almost wish i could stop feeling like i do, and stop feeling that i love her. but then i remember......i'd rather feel like this, and know that i've felt a love for someone as pure as possible, and carry it with me still than realise my feelings were created based on a situation, and that what i thought was love wasn't. i know i didn't love her because it was advantagous to, or because i could get something out of it, i loved her because she was what i wanted, and still is. and no matter how much it hurts, i can take pride in knowing that. and now i just have to get used to being happy because even if i don't, she does have what she wants. a group of friends to hang out with, an active social life, time out of the house, and a boyfriend that is close, and, hopfully, everything i had wanted to be for her. but thats whats wierd......its my emotions that seem to be the greater wounds, but i feel a sense of gladness almost, knowing i've reason to feel them. over them, i would never take my own life. its over the physical elements, how physically i'm being destroyed, that this time has brought me so close to just killing myself off. its that that i have the greatest difficulty with. |
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hitokirivader | 02-21-04 6:15am it's a well-known fact that emotional pain does elicit a degree of physical pain as well, and i presume what you're feeling physically has a lot to do with your emotions. it's a part of the process. but don't neglect your health, mike. i'm glad you're sensible enough not to do something astoundingly selfish like take your own life, but you only have one body and you kinda need it to survive. take vitamins, get plenty of rest, be active, eat breakfast... just remember to take care of yourself. i hope you get well soon. :) |