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musicalbabe (profile) wrote,
on 2-23-2004 at 10:05pm
Subject: in tribute to robbie
our youth group memorial service for robbie was very nice. for once, i really am struggling with how much needs to be shared about my recent experiences. i have never felt this kind of greiving that comes from someone familiar taking themselves away from us.

we shared memories and discussed his life. the hard part about it was that it wasn't a story of a successful, polite, friendly person. we laughed at his somewhat malicious intentions for our haunted house a few years ago, and struggled with remembering his interactions with each of us.

i had written a few pages about what robbie meant to me, and surprised myself by cutting in after about fifteen minutes of laughter and light hearted memories. i HAD to let it out of my system.

my voice faltered as i began the first paragraph. i shed a few tears as i read the first page. by the end of it, tears were streaming down my face, and i couldn't stop them.

i was the first to cry.

i would not be the last, and i would not be completely stable for the rest of the evening. there was a long silence after i read. one of the youth councilors started up the dialogue again by reading something he had written. we shared guilty feelings and tender emotions until about 7:50 (as chris so thoughtfully pointed out to us as the question 'so what do we do now?' was presented.)

we are going to make a tribute, a lasting recognition of robbie. maybe a collage, we're not sure yet. but something for the family, and something to put in the stuart youth center to remember him by.

after our ending prayer, stephen (the director of children and youth ministries and the pastor presiding at robbie's memorial service) called me over to him and asked me to sit down. he asked if he could borrow what i had written, (he figured it would be too much to ask if i read it at the service) but wanted to include some of it in what he was going to say at the service. there is no guaruntee that my words will be quoted at his formal memorial service on wednesday, but i am truly honored that he asked me if he could quote from it.

i think i'd probably rather not talk about it at school, but, as always, if i bring it up, i'd appreciate it if you would listen.

i might bring a copy of my tribute to robbie to school. it's an internal struggle whether to let people read it, and spread some memories of robbie to people who didn't know him, or to keep it sincerely private within my church family and parents.

his memorial service is this wednesday. i might be pretty...thoughtful and unhappy this week. i'm finding it harder to cope than i thought.

for all of you contemplating suicide: please, please don't do it. it's not worth it to realize how much you would be missed after you are gone.

"I hope that somehow he will realize that his life had meaning, and that even though his presence was usually unwelcome and bothersome, his lack of presence will be forever remembered and mourned." -the last paragraph of my written tribute to robbie
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Anonymous

02-23-04 11:30pm

don't want to be mean, sorry if you're offended, but didn't you say that u didn't like him? i mean, it's good to pass on his tribute and all but idk i thot u said u didn't really know him v. well

(reply to this)

musicalbabe

Re:, 02-24-04 12:35am

you're right, i didn't like him, and i didn't know him very well. but when someone takes their life away, you are forced to think twice about the intentions of a person. i wrote all about this, and about the fact that robbie was, in fact, not a very nice guy to be around at church.

i AM offended at your blunt statement, but i realize that you have, and will never know robbie, or face the emotions i have tried to deal with these past few days. it is impossible to express what one feels after the harsh realization of suicide, no matter who it was. it may, in fact, be harder to remember someone distant and, at times, rather bothersome because different feelings of guilt and confusion arise.

what i'm basically trying to say is, it doesn't MATTER that i didn't know him very well. it doesn't MATTER that i didn't like him. although those two facts were taken into account as i wrote and shared my tribute to robbie, they do nothing to the big picture. from a bird's eye view, (or the view of somone who understands very little about the event) a boy from a church committed suicide. if that isn't enough to make you think about the world and the way you live your life, what is?

(reply to comment)

sarbear670

aww mel, 02-24-04 1:24am

aww mel...i'm sorry that right now is such a hard time for you. i don't really know what to say except for this: i luv ya, and i'm here for you if you ever need anything! <3 sara

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Anonymous

Re: aww mel, 02-25-04 11:17pm

sorry about the blunt statement. i was just a little surprised that you so radically changed your view on him now that he's taken his life.
i'm not saying you should say 'oh well' and move on. because it does make you think about life. i was just a surprised on your eagerness to tell everyone all about robbie when you didn't really like/know him in the first place.
i understand that you're affected by robbie's death. I'm just wondering how you can change your opinion of him because he comitted suicide.

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QueenWog

Re: Re: aww mel, 02-26-04 6:40pm

death brings a lot of feelings to the surface, you don't have to know OR like someone to mourn for their loss. melissa's tribute is a beautiful way to remember a human being's life and her sincerity should not need explanation.

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musicalbabe

Re: Re: Re: aww mel, 02-26-04 8:33pm

wow...thank you molly!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! *hugs*

(i know i'm doing marcella's job as publicity person, but this is the molly that has the details for MAFC, in case you were wondering. *points at molly and smiles*)

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QueenWog

Re: Re: Re: Re: aww mel, 02-26-04 10:08pm

Melissa is a superstar! You are welcome, I LOVE YOU TOO, and lots of *hugs*!

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Anonymous

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: aww mel, 02-27-04 10:50pm

to the anonymous person, you make a whole lot of sense, way to be logical. to molly: .........

- Dare

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QueenWog

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: aww mel, 02-28-04 2:03pm

u never cease to amaze me darin.

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Anonymous

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: aww mel, 02-28-04 4:51pm

=)

i love you too.

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musicalbabe

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: aww mel, 02-28-04 4:56pm

you guys are very interesting. *thinks* hahaha.

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