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| alwaysfalling (profile) wrote, on 2-24-2004 at 10:50pm | |
| Current mood: disappointed, sad, angry, depressed Music: coldplay - the scientist Subject: wrote this in my room while letting the tears fall |
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I wish I could say everything was fine but it isn't. Went to the therapist after school today with the mom and dad. It was a new one since the last one wasn't on our insurance and costed $100 per hour which was a little expensive for my family. I like dread going to see any therapist though. I'm still believeing that one day I will wake-up and everything will be perfect. I only go for the sake of my dad. I wish so many things these days. The biggest is to come home to a family with everyday problems and not a problem like this one that seems as if it is going to go on for a lifetime. I sat there on the couch by myself with my parents on the opposite couch listening to this lady I just met trying to fix something she doesn't even understand. Trust me, I know it takes time but when I'm being critized while getting help it pisses me off. My mom went off on the reason why she is unhappy is because me and my brother and how we don't pick our freaken clothes up off of our floor. She blamed it on US! Do you know how shitty that makes me feel? To come up with a reason like that, how dare her. It's like, "Thanks guys. You are the reason for my depression. It's all because of you for my unhappy life" She goes off on me then about how IB isn't hard if some nights I come home and sleep and that I'm not even in IB yet so I can't use that excuse. The therapist then says some crap like, "I see you have a lot of anger Mary Anne" then to me says, "Do you think you could start picking the clothes up off your floor?" I was about to scream. Say something like, "LADY WE AREN'T COMING HERE TO TALK ABOUT ME AND PICKING UP CLOTHES, MY MOM IS PSYCHO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS TO FIX THAN MY FREAKEN CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR!" Well I don't have to go back for a while, thank God. My mom is going back next week alone. Oh how I will love to hear the crap she talks about then. I swear, I hate living here. All i could think about in that stupid meeting was going to college and getting away. Everything here is negative and if you know me, you know that I like to live positively. Like Megan says though, in the end this whole thing is only going to make me stronger. I wrote that while sitting in the dark crying. Crying feels so much better. But then I cry and can't stop and sometimes even forget the first reason why I even started because I get so worked up that more things to cry about come up in my head. I cry silently so that no one will hear, especially my dad because then he will feel bad and I don't want him to. nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be so hard. i'm going back to the start. good bye. love you. |
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angeleyes | 02-25-04 5:23pm you're not alone. i've experienced something like that before, though i chose/choose not to talk about it.
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Jacks | 02-25-04 5:43pm Hey i know were not that close but if you ever wanna talk you can always talk to me!!
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lizzy | 02-25-04 5:49pm sigh. <3
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