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| lowbacca1977 (profile) wrote, on 3-1-2004 at 10:18am | |
| Current mood: stressed Music: Men at Work - Land down under Subject: come what may, i'll love you til my dying day |
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| Lets see whats new.....went to hollywood with kristal to get hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, which i successfully have done. of course, my dvd player doesn't work, so its not terribly helpful, but at least its been tracked down against all odds. mike: 1 life: 8798 and of course, the drive, even though i got lost on the way there and the way back, proved to be at least somewhat theraputic talking with kristal......both the discussion that was like, general discussion, and the discussion about where i am with things now. i've been very lucky that there was someone willing to sort of fill in the role of having to listen to me vent about all this..... i'd hate to be going through this having no one to talk to, and as things started to happen, it was looking very much like that i wouldn't have anyone i could actually talk about it with, and that would just be dangerous with me....or rather, dangerous with my past habits. if it wasn't memories from back when i was so self-abusive....or rather, memories of why i stopped and for who, i probably would've been back to that already and very intensly. today had two important marks......its the first time that i've actually chosen to eat a meal in weeks and not then felt horribly sick immediately after, which seemed to be progressive, but then again, today also marked the day that i've dropped below 170 pounds. this from a starting point that is estimated to have been anywhere from 185 to 200 only a month ago. i'm not sure it'll stop for a while yet, since i'm still having trouble with eating in general. the mornings are getting more difficult. i've never been a morning person.....and so its always been difficult to wake up early. but at least in the past, i knew where i was heading, and why i was going through everything i was going through, i had goals set, and was doing my best to work towards them. they've since disappeared......and i really don't know what it is i'm trying to achieve anymore, and that makes it so much harder to try to keep going forward and keep trying. one upside of late is that i've gotten a lot of my feelings sorted out......which at least means that i understand myself much better, as well as what i feel and why, and what it is i want or need in my life. it doesn't really lead to anything progressive, but i feel better having it sorted out at least, and its stopped me from doing too much that would count as stupid here. i think, the one thing thats becoming most difficult, though, is all the social life stuff. its just been changing in ways that i sorta can't help but feel uncomfortable with. its just....even though i like hanging out with people in person and all, theres something else thats of a different nature that exists in being able to talk with people online, esp since i spend so much time on the comp since i'm home so much. its not better than in person stuff, and under some circumstances, online stuff is detestable in comparison, but with being home a lot, i want that sort of online thing that i used to have. i'm already down, more or less, the person that i talked to most online for various reasons, and add to that that of the other people i talk to, they're either online less, or rarely online in the first place, theres rarely someone around online to talk to now. and it always seems to just magnify the times when i just feel so sorta alone and all. like i'd said so long ago to someone special......in many ways my lifeline still is the cord in the back of the comp that connects me to the internet. especially since it was both what helped me through tough times in the past, and helped me have my most rewarding experiences. its like, even though for so long, that was the one thing that didn't turn my back on me, its done so now with everything else. its just not the same to go from what i had, say, three months ago to now. i used to be able to just be online, talk with friends, and with someone i love, when i was home and not much else was going on and i could really relax, and feel comfortable. now, no one is hardly ever on, and even when people are, everyone is either busy or something, or just not really feeling like talking to me. its like i'm suddenly left in the dark with whats going on with everyone, and i don't feel like i've the energy to always find out. i guess its in large part my paranoia thats resurfaced in the last month, but i just feel like i'm being left behind in general. i guess thats what happens when something one believes in a lot fails to hold up as much as one has hoped and thought it would. i guess.....the one thing with all this that i can still look at and be greatful is that, for all thats happened, shes at least not yet cut her ties with me altogether. i fear i'll not hear much from her, especially as time goes by and she goes on with her life, even less than i hear from her now, but at least there is some connection still, and i'm thankful for that. i just hope that maybe, maybe, that will hold out, and that the last of my fears won't be confirmed by her deciding it best to stop talking with me. part of it is irrationality, but another part does remember back to the last time she went through what was her maturing and taking a step with her life, and how she did decide to just step away and not return to where shed spent that period of her life, and i don't want to go the same way as that. its nervewracking, waiting like this to figure out if the other shoe is going to drop or not. tomorrow at least should be interesting, or at least interesting enough to get my mind off of how i've been feeling for a little while. theres some sort of wheel of fortune thing at csun tomorrow, so it seems worthwhile, esp as i think i could manage to get on it, if lucky. at the least, its worth a shot. thats what i've come to realise......no matter the situation, no matter how hopeless things may be, they always are worth that shot, its always worth trying, because nothing has ever come from not trying. i've fought against seemingly impossible odds so many times that i've begun to learn that giving up isn't an option for me just because something is a long shot. as a taurus, i'm supposed to be stubborn, and stubborn i will be when i believe in something. i can't turn my back on things that i feel confidant in, and i will fight it to the end if need be. i did it when i played tennis even though doctors had said i shouldn't run because of my feet, i did it when i joined a speech team and had a stutter, when i joined journalism and had a rep for not being able to write really, and i will do it again and again, no matter how many times it seems like i will fail. because i i will fail, i will go up against odds that seem like they can't be defeated, and lose against them, but at least know that i tried, that i fought for something i believed in and that i had faith in my decisions and confidence enough to try to carry them out. the only true failure i could make now is to give up on that which i believe in, because if i do that, then i truely will have nothing left. |
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g33k | My admiration, 03-01-04 4:18am Mike, may I just commend you on your "stubbornness." I admire your resolve and the fact that you know who you are and there is nothing that will change that.
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hitokirivader | 03-01-04 8:57am it's like you said, "hope is all we can make sure we have in life." without hope, mankind would have gone nowhere. our greatest accomplishments in life are when we push aside our troubles and move forward to make some of our greatest accomplishments. i honestly envy your tenacity.
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lowbacca1977 | 03-01-04 10:44pm well, what choice have i? i know my feelings, and i know what i've felt. realisticly, i've only one course left before me, and that is to never abandon hope, no matter how much i seem to be losing.
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hitokirivader | Re:, 03-02-04 2:02am I know I'm using an overquoted cliche here, but...
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| lowbacca1977 | Re: Re:, 03-02-04 2:07am and look where that got him. hes dead. |
hitokirivader | Re: Re: Re:, 03-02-04 8:56pm yeah well so's gandhi, martin luther king, and mother teresa. if we are to learn from the past, then we must embrace anarchy and racism and kill one another in perfect harmony. |
| lowbacca1977 | Re: Re: Re: Re:, 03-02-04 9:08pm but the important thing is that it would solve MY problems |