| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| emo414 (profile) wrote, on 3-5-2004 at 11:20pm | |
| Current mood: drained Music: Trapt - Echo Subject: Why do new beginnings have to start with tragedy? |
|
| It seems like every time i get to a new point in my life, whether good or bad, it always seems not to last. Why can't my happiness last and i see other people that have been happy for months and probably will be for a few more. But no matter what, no matter who you are, there will always be something to happen that gets you off your pedistole and back down into the depths of depression and suicide. When i say sucide i don't mean literally killing yourself, I mean to put yourself through torture everyday thinking about things that are never going to change, and you are killing yourself with the depression. There was one happening that I haven't talked about very much and only a few people know about, and that is my grandpa's new diagnosis. He is going to die this month (march) and for some reason I am constantly getting a feeling that he is going to pass away around my birthday. We found out not too long ago that he has cancer in his bones which can't be healed with radiation or kemo. When we first heard he had a very short time to live i was knocked to the floor off my small pedistool of "hapiness". Actually i don't even know if it was happiness becasue the whole time i was questioning relationships with people here and people who soon wont be. And during my time of "happiness" that wasnt really happy, i wasnt thinking of my grandpa and him leaving for good, and now that he is soon i know that all the time i have with my friends should be used wisely and to our advantages to make more memories because they last forever and we need as many good ones as we can get. And once i heard about my Grandpa passing away soon it made me think of another person thats really really important to me that is moving away at the end of the school year. Alex Hall-Ruiz was the girlfriend that i had the relationshiop people wanted to have with someone. I said that i was over her and that it was a good thing but now that i feel like i need someone my feelings have kinda returned at least to the point where i miss her so much its crazy. I was thinking about it tonight when i was at Carly's and out on her dock with everyone and all i could think about was alex and why she wasnt here spending the time she has left here with her friends and people that care about her instead of spending every possible chance with only two people, Leigh and Ben. I guess it doesnt make sense to me why we dont use our time to our advantage, but then it hit me that spending time with her might only make me happy and make her annoyed or uncomfortable or jsut bored or something, because it seems like every passing day we grow further and further apart. i guess we will just see what happens in the end. | |
| Post A Comment |
|
| Anonymous | from stef, 03-21-04 3:42pm ughh sweetie...im so sorry. i know pple always say it, but i know JUST hwo you feel. they said the same thing with my aunt....i know it hurts like hell....between the cancer from my aunt and my gpa..its like were kinda in the same boat..kinda lol. sweetie, its so hard to deal with abd yiur doing beautifully. i love you dearly, and all i can tell you is to hang in there. when the time comes for him, it was meant to be...and hopefully your famiyl can pull together and make it through. death is such a scary thing....but your a strong boy. i love you, and i will be here for you always....well make it throguh together |