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| melikepeas (profile) wrote, on 3-8-2004 at 4:41pm | |
| Current mood: confused Music: Blink - story of a lonely guy (more punk mother fucker) Subject: Grr, stress and confused. |
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| Kay, just got off the phone to Damian. He said it sometimes seems to him like im just using him for sex, buh? That pissed me off. Im not like that. And he should know that I think to highly of him to do that even if I was that way inclined. If i was doing that why would I be phoning him every night? Why would I be so happy just having him hold me?(but i spose he doesnt know bout that). I feel like shit again now, I hate it when he says stuff like this whole thing is fucking him up. I cant help it though im so scared of gettin hurt again, he says I wont but how do i know that all i have to go by is the last relationship, and frankly that was a bit shit. He says he'll be happy but if he wasnt happy before, how can I make him happy this time? I wish I didnt have to give an answer yet. Humm I wish we could just have something light to start with to see how things go,just like a trial relationship to see if it can work, but GAH like damian says hes a bloke of extremes its all or nothing. He brought the issue of mike up today as well, He says he doesnt like sharing me with another bloke. I think he sees me n mike as just sex, but its not. I dont know what it is, I spose its just close friends who shag on occasion. He said if we got together Id be allowed to have him as a friend, but I dont think he could do that, he gets so jelous, and he thinks he cant trust me. *sigh* I asked about people like martin as well, he said he wouldnt mind if i was frieds with him either, because he knows theres nothing there on my side(that impressed me actualy, much maturity and stuff), thing is there is still very mch something there on martins side so i still get the feeling that Damian wouldnt like it because he thinks im a complete untrustworthy slut. Or atleast he did when we broke up. So that leads me to the next question, why does he want me back if the last relationship made him so stressed out, paranoid and unhappy? Damian would answer, because I love you. Actualy, I didnt believe it all the way through the realstioship but im starting to now. I likes it. When Im with him it seems soooo simple, I could just cuddle up to him and stay there forever having him hold me but when were appart again all this stuff pops into my head. Again damian would say, well solve that and get backtogether with me, but then id be constantly scared of one of us fucking it up and getting hurt again. Im still hurt (more than i thought) from the last time around, usualy that means im not ready for a realstionship, but because its Damian does that make it differant? URGH I dont know. Ya know what'd be perfect, if I went upstairs and he was there in my bed and I could just get in next to him and have him hug me while im asleap. I love that the most. I want that. Im more comfortable with him than ive ever been, more safe, more protected. But that has to compete with drunken phone calls of him telling me how much he doesnt like me, him being a complete bastard to me, compulsive lieing, him just generaly acting like a cock (esp when drunk). Grrr. I really dont know what to do. Im all sad again now. Ah well i get to see him tomorow ^_^ good. |
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derrangeddemon666 | 03-12-04 11:20am i will not be phoning you when im drunk i will not be an arsehole n if i am tell me about it and ill change it if you hpone me when im drunk then i wont speak for long i love you i want to be with you i want to take care of you, protect you and hold you in my arms until the end of time xx |