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| spinoangel (profile) wrote, on 3-10-2004 at 6:59pm | |
| Current mood: angry Music: sc - "ruthless" Subject: if i build you a city, would you let me? would you tear it down? |
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| ok. i had my daily talk with my journal. and woohu fucking lost it. thank you, once again. damn. and it was like a culmination of all my feelings today and it is gone. it's these little things that keep me crazy. let me do my best at trying to remember what i wanted to say in this entry. i hate my body. it hates me back. i ran today. yeah. christina ran. granted, i am sooooooo outta shape, but hey at least i did something right? i'm so sick of the way i look that i'm gonna try to get to a point where running isnt so much work for me anymore. hopefully then i will be able to satisfy myself. i skipped dinner. for like the first time in my life. only did so though because of my brother's treat. my brother is the best in the world. when i have the crappiest days, he doesn't even know when or why yet he always does his best to make me happy. he makes me laugh. he took me to taco bell today. he cares. i hope everyone has things with their siblings like that. it's a beautiful thing. my favorite (one of two) aunt is coming down tomorrow too. this weekend with family will make me pseudo-happy. god. my body really does hate me. not just cuz the way i look, but the way i feel too. supposedly, my mom says it's just allergies acting up, but like. ugh. usually when i have allergies, i get a stuffy/runny nose and i cant breathe and all that nice stuff. but as of now (like as in this very moment), my eyes won't stop burning and itching. and it just makes me want to close my eyes and go to sleep even more. it's so mean to me. i have valued my eyes a billion times more since i had pink eye, yet my body still thinks i need to learn a lesson. something corporate. i keep going back everytime i get into the "i wish i could run away from it all" mood. of course, that's all the time, but specifically when i feel like i just can't find myself. i wish i could just have them playing in the background of my life 24/7. i'd enjoy it a lot more. all the time.... it just feels like i need to close my eyes and not talk. talking to people used to be something i was interested in. consoling people, being the shoulder to lean on, the ears to listen to your problem. i still am. i just know that i don't seem approachable anymore. i am sorry for that. i feel more alone right now than ever. i know i know i have a buncha friends and i have my long time lovers and my family. but you know how it gets that way. i just feel like the best thing to do for me is to be... alone. in all sense of the word. if i could lie on the beach listening to something corporate all day long. i would be in my own heaven on earth. if i had a car, that's where i'd be. long enough entry. woohu is forgiven. if this isnt lost. heh. thats nice. my mom just yelled at me again. yeah i need to get my shit together. dont you agree? (sarcastic.) i miss everyone. i miss myself. =( |
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karit_top | 03-11-04 6:09pm twas the day that everyone was doubtful and upset, so was the day in which the hopes were lost. tina i love you. please be happy. all i can say is, play soccer. it keeps me in shape. and also, as i ramble on an on, you are beautiful. all people are evil, i experience it at home mostly, but dont let them bring you down. o yeah, we should talk one day and reveal all of our troubles. i am always here for you. and i mean that. plus, i have been so distant from everyone that its killing me. well till the time we meet my love. rich. |