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| mle (profile) wrote, on 1-1-2003 at 11:24pm | |
| Current mood: semi-recovered from earlier's complete breakdown Music: butch walker - sober Subject: i know so much, but the more i know, the harder i fall... |
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he told me so much today. like, unbelievable. i had no clue about a lot of it. and he said that he told me a lot more than most people know. but he was so incredibly open about it. like, i was shocked how the words just stumbled out. maybe im just too used to having to pump every little detail out of matt... or maybe he just really needed to get it out. but it kills me because every word that came from his mouth (well, in this case, every word he typed), i fell harder. and harder. when he first told me he was seriously into emily and that me and him were just flirting, i tried to blow it off. i kept telling myself its just marcus. and of course, i did the thing where u think up all their flaws and magnify them to break your attraction. and it worked for a little while. well, not anymore. im really kinda head over heels for him. this is so sad. i know im just screwing myself over. and it kills. i havent been heartbroken since brad broke up with me over a year ago. but then again, i hadnt been as happy as i was since brad... gerald made me stay home. i was pissed... but i guess it worked out ok because if i had to see emily and marcus together tonight, i would have relapsed into my psychotic fury of tears like i broke down into after me and marcus stopped talking so he could go out. wandering this house like ive never wanted out and this is about as social as i get now and im throwing away the letters that i am writing you cause they will never do i will never do (dashboard confessional - saints and sailors) and i talked to lucass again. hes not too happy having jenni for a girlfriend. but hes sticking it for for a little bit. he thinks maybe he'll fall for her if he sticks it out. but why would you want to? if he knows its wrong... and he knows something else is right... he showed me the lyrics to a short little song he wrote about it. like how hes doing wrong even though he knows whats right. and how he feels more alone now than when he didnt have a girlfriend. he was pretty bummed today too. and i kinda re-fell for him too. like, i the back of my head, i know there are things about him that would cause a serious issue if we were together... but he makes me feel so special. hes not afraid to tell me how he feels. he was so in love with me last year (and i was oblivious). and he still has those feelings, just cluttered by desires for random hoes. but i mean... lucass... it wasnt supposed to be like this another dose of unhappiness i gave it all and managed to get shot down yet again so i got drunk had sex with all your friends you told me to never call your house again (bowling for soup - emily) ok so maybe i just made out w/ a couple of his friends. but thats basically true w/ marcus. it just hit me today. when it comes to sex, ive turned into a guy. with this whole mission thing (ive now completed it 2.75 times - curfew got in the way last night). like. ill make out w/ anyone. anytime. and i go searching for it too. like, determined searching for it. same thing goes for drugs. everytime im w/ lucass, i make sure i get some random drug. what the hell is wrong w/ me? why am i trying to force myself on guys like that? oh yea, because thats the only attention i get anymore. but when i kissed marcus and lucass... it was different. lucass knows it. marcus probably didnt. but you know that feeling in the bottom of your stomach... im reaching out to hold onto anything i can... but i cant help but fall mle |
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spud | 01-01-03 11:54pm man.
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| mle | Re:, 01-02-03 11:10pm yes. mle is a good lil girl. 0:)
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