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SeraphimRhapsody (profile) wrote,
on 3-20-2004 at 2:51pm
Current mood: exhausted
Music: even silence does not help me get my thoughts in order
Subject: love-lies-bleeding
Well I tried to talk about it and me to someone. I tried. But they didn't want to hear about it. It hurt them or whatnot.
How does this not further my thinking?
They have enough to deal with with themselves and the problems of their close close friends. Why should I add my problems to theirs?

I had this all in my head to write here... and now I've blanked again. I always blank when I try and talk about the things on my mind. Not purposefully mind you, I guess it's a defense mechanism. So... when I have talked to anyone about what goes on in my head or how I feel or the like, I hope you appreciated it in the fact that I had to fight a lot of things to get that out and it did nearly kill me each time.
But that doesn't matter now does it?

Let me see..
Oh! Okay, random order now:

Kissing. You know what I find interesting is that one of the things I just could not do or I guess 'handle' is the thing that has been latched on to and used most against me. To me, kissing is on the lips. The act of kissing. A kiss on the cheek or whatnot is a kiss yes, but it's not kissing. Either way. I have not kissed anyone. And when I was kissed on the cheek, my mind completely blanked. Yeah, I had no reaction and felt nothing. All emotions and thoughts stopped. I was completely blank.
That sound like fun?

What else.....
I do trust you few people I really counted as friends. Trust has little to do with my lack of being able to talk with you. Perhaps in some high unconscious level it limited me. I guess it did.. but on the conscious level I deeply trusted my friends.
No, I never did see how little I returned the level of trust that I asked of each of you. It never registered in my mind that I wasn't giving the same that I asked. Perhaps if it did hurt each of you so much, you may have thought to point that out to me a bit earlier.

And this..
Yeah. Let's see how much further I can open myself up here before I snap.

The only way I feel worth something at all is if I'm helping someone. If I can give them good advice or help them in some way, then I'm worth something. But if I can't help them, they don't see me worth something to go to for help, or I hurt someone, then I'm not worth damn shit. Then if I'm fucking worthless, what's the point in me being here?

I see myself as pretty worthless. Yeah, give me a ladder and I probably would place myself around or below complete strangers. I have exteremely low self-confidence. I've known that. I could assume reasons why. I don't see why people would want to be friends with me if it wasn't for the fact that I help them. I know for a fact that's the only reason a few people are my 'friends.'

If an actual friendship is where both people can talk to each other about anything on their minds or anything going on or anything that they feel, then I've deluded myself once again. I see a recurrent theme from middle school. Think you have actual friends... but it's really just a lie. I guess I'm blind huh? But this time I prefer to pop the bubble and find reality before the years are over. Lovely. I especially like how I've screwed some friendships in the last month I have left with them. Why wait to let them wane slowly over years when I can sever them brutally right now?
The way I see it I've two options... open myself till I snap and tell everyone everything. Or cement myself inside my shell.
Black and White. Damnit.


I was completely lost and confused. I chose the best option I could think of that would hopefully not make matters worse. What do you ask of me? To not have felt at all in the first place? Defy human nature and become more self-sacrificing then I have been as of late.. shall I try that?

I didn't want to hurt anyone.
Well you did.
But I told people what was up; they had to know.
You told them too late.
Better late then never.


How many levels would you like to see me kill myself? The things I've said here I'm not able to say. I typed some of the thoughts out sure, probably not all of them relatedly and definitely not all of what's in my head or I had planned to write before. And although they're here I still can't say them. Talk to me about them or such things and I guarantee I'll blank or lose connections. That is why it takes me so long to reply and make coherent sense. And that is why I use analogies, metaphors, and circular speech among other things.

There may have been other things I was going to say... I'll type them up to share if they strike me. Do me a favor and post your thoughts on this wonderful update. Or IM me with them and your questions. Feel free to share this with involved parties who do not read my journal.



With love..... it was always love.. real and actual love for my friends..... How can a heart love others but not accept love consistently from those same people?
~*~



Quote of the Week
( Thank you Neopian Times )

"The spirit of happiness was gone within me, and everything I knew and loved and cared about was gone. My sanity ran away from me many, many months ago, and so did all the joy in my life."
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Anonymous

just a reply :), 03-20-04 6:49pm

Well kristen, I've gotta say that this is one of the most open things you've ever written, its like you walked outta ur fortress to make an announcment to the kingdom and let all the pesants see and hear their queen :)

I guess I'll start at the top and go down paragraph by paragraph what i think.
1: "Well I tried to talk about it and me to someone. I tried. But they didn't want to hear about it. It hurt them or whatnot.
" I have an idea of what you mean here...just try again, and itll happen eventually, no one said it was going to be easy.
2: Blanking out sucks :) (profound eh?)
3: Kissing is great fun...can you imagine how youd feel if you actually got kissed on the lips? You'd go into a coma :) I think you should try it sometimes, who knows, you may like it. (The coma i mean :)
4: That has got to be the most plain english thing you've ever said. No metaphores, no riddles, just pain kristen. Its soo unlike anything I've ever heard or read come from you before, its very refreshing to say the least. I think its definitly a step in the right direction.
5: Kristen, we all feel good about helping people, all good friends do, and we all feel like shit after we couldnt help someone...as far as i'm concerned, thats fairly normal, and ur a good person.
6: You're my friend for a lot of reasons, not just because you help me, and i'm sure all of your friends would say the same thing. I personally enjoy laughing and sharing stories with you, thats not really helping me any, its just fun :)
7: Ok, this paragraph is just you venting, you cant possibly tell urself you believe what you wrote, or possibly be that dog gone sad. Ur a great person kristen, dont come down on urself so hard. And I've found that in life, there's hardly ever black and white.
8: No one is asking you to not feel. You just need to do what makes you happy, and some people that have come down on you, simply need to grow up. I dont think you did anything wrong.
9: yay! at least in this dialogue, theres some positivness :)
10: Everyone should come to realize like i have you share just as much emotion as everyone else does, you just show it in a different way. You show it through metaphores like you said, but again, you show it by what you do and dont say, just some people have a hard time seeing that in you.
11: "Feel free to share this with involved parties who do not read my journal. " hehe gotcha *wink wink*

and ur quote of the day sucks...too damn sad :)

Thats what i think of ur post, you ask for thoughts and replies, and now you have them from me :) I think that this next week will be much better as far as weeks go, just keep ur head up, itll only get better (besides, no school anyway, how bad could it be? :) (im envisioning right now ur responce to what i just said, i dont wanna hear it kristen...you be positive :)

(reply to this)

DragonSpeaker

03-21-04 2:16am

Okay... where to start...
First off, I think we need to put all this into a reasonable perspective. It's not the end of the world, so try to relax and think things through. (Too many T's there...) Things have a way of working out, but you have to stay calm and be ready to leap on any opportunity to patch stuff up that presents itself. And remember that youre not alone. You still have a good number of friends- yes, real friends- that love you and will help you. Uh, that's what friends do! =-P Whether you are right or wrong or both or whatever, a real friend will at least LISTEN, even if they can't actually solve your problem. And a real friend won't mind being "burdened" with your problems on top of theirs and their other friends. It's part of friendship, just be ready to reciprocate- the part you seem to like doing. Yeah, so... I don't know all the details of what's going on, but I'm there for you anyway. And since I've lost my mind I think I should count as several friends, yanno, one for each personality or something. (Jest kiddin'.)

Kissing. I don't know what I would do if someone I was attracted to kissed me. Never happened, never will. I know what I would do if someone I wasn't attracted to tried to kiss me. Oh man, they'd regret it. *THWACK!* Ahem. Yeah... Maybe the blanking out isn't so abnormal. Stop trying to look at how different your reactions to things are and instead look at how they are the same, and maybe you'll feel a whole lot better about a lot of things.

I guess I am more of an optimist than I let on... but I honestly think that you have been slowly opening up more and more. Just look at this journal, and you can see a trend. You started out with telling us little nothings and randomness and goofiness and then every so often something a little more personal would come out and I would gain a little insight into something deeper. That and in late night conversation. I got to know you a lot better in the last year or two than in what 8 before? Not bad, if I may say so myself.

Not everything is a lie.

And as was already stated, very rarely is life truly black and white. I think I can pretty safely say that whenever you are dealing with people, NOTHING is black and white. I have yet to stumble across anything that can prove me wronnnnnnng. =-P

Your way of telling things works for me, but not everyone is particularly endowed in the literary arts. Ouch, I sound so pompous there... Anyway, you'll get through this. I will help you.

(reply to this)

SeraphimRhapsody

Re:, 03-21-04 12:54pm

'I was in a really good mood after my three hour nap this afternoon, but it was not meant to last. It seems I'm always feeling really great when fights break out. This one was more of a ticking timebomb, but I'm in it, of course. I don't know if I want to be or not.'

That was my reference.

(reply to comment)

DragonSpeaker

Re: Re:, 03-21-04 4:02pm

Do I have a choice? Whether or not I want to be in this ordeal, I have to be since the people all around me are. I'm not so far into my dream world that I couldn't notice that. By being in it, I mean having to take sides. I don't mind being a mediator, but to me that is different from actually being in it. Does that clarify...? Or confound? :-/ I tried.

(reply to comment)

DragonSpeaker

03-21-04 2:17am

*points at her icon*

And that's how long I'll be your friend.

(reply to this)