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| emo414 (profile) wrote, on 3-22-2004 at 9:17pm | |
| Current mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony Subject: Unexplainable |
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| there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now. | |
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| Anonymous | 03-23-04 8:55pm well at leat you're right that suicide is the easy way out.
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vixenvocals | suicide?, 03-24-04 9:37pm ryan, that is the most weak thing you have ever suggested. suicide is so weak. "i can't kill myself because its not that bad yet" ryan, it will never be "that bad" so "yet" is an irrelevant term! For God's sake, Jesus died for you to live. who would truly take that for granted? to kill one's self sheerly because life is tough is the most selfish, bullshit, sadistic action i have ever heard of. the thoughts go through every teen's mind, but one must immediately push them out of one's head. bringing death upon one's self is not an option. so don't treat it as one. i know you are feeling sad, and i knwo you are feeling lonely, but thats what the drugs are for! haha im just kidding. thats why you have friends and family and prayer and hugs and kisses and hand holding and snuggles! thats why you have phone conversations and classes to take your mind off of life! wow im hyper i make no sense, but ryan, seriously... if you ever consider suicide, i dont know what ill have to do with you
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