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| robbingnovember (profile) wrote, on 3-26-2004 at 9:22pm | |
| Current mood: lonely Music: dashboard Subject: It's better than the fire is to heat this lonely room |
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| Is it okay to just be lonely sometimes? I mean yeah i have all these great friends (amazing except during spring break when they go away.) but is this it? It is spring, you know, a time for love. It's colder than it ought to be in March. Dana and ryan. Stacey and kotu. Whoever and whoever. it doesn't really matter. It is just that i see all of these people with their smiles and their infatuations and their happiness (whatever that is) and i just want to be one of them. I don't want to have to be envious anymore; i hate getting that feeling in my chest that i'm not good enough. I hate having these sad eyes and this sad smile all the time. And yeah, there is Chris but he lives an hour away and that is just not realistic; the majority of people are realistic. And fuck, he can't hold me and tell me things are going to be fine. no no no he can't be what i want. And it is my fault. I guess it is my fault that i am alone. My mom once told me that if you don't even love yourself, how can you let others love you {or something like that}.. But i'm working on that. so you know maybe eventually i can somehow grasp at this happiness. But damn it i've grown impatient. And to some i'm just a pretty face and to others im not pretty enough and i'd really like to think that i can be intellectual and witty and whatever else makes up a substantially interesting person. or maybe i'm just one big fucking horrible mess. one that people avoid. that could make sense too. You know sometimes it is bearable.. being single. But sometimes it just gets so lonely, like you have all of these people but you really don't have anyone at all. Or maybe Dashboard makes me unhappy, eh there is no point in analyzing. Sometimes i just want to evaporate. And i'm not going to go on some rant about how i hate myself, because well i don't anymore and i'm not crying myself to sleep every night. So yeah maybe i should be happy because life is better. But fuck that because it isn't what i want/ need/ live for. and i hate this, i don't want to slip back there, i could never breath back then. I wish someone would love me .. or at least try to.. i mean at least see something, some sort of potential in me. maybe that i could be something wonderful. if that is even possible. Loneliness is one of the worst things in the world. It is like no matter how sunny or bright it is outside, you just exist in this cold dark moist prison cell. And you just watch everyone through these iron bars and you just wish and hope every day that someone could just steal the key or break open those bars or just hold your hand through them and never let go (and maybe over time those brick walls would eventually decay and crumble). I don't know what i'm saying. I'm rambling... i always ramble. But i think im trying to say i'm broken. simply. just broken and i wish someone would take the time to try to fix me or something lame like that. eh. |
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Sargonnis | 03-27-04 1:28am =(.
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