| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| tinaker (profile) wrote, on 4-4-2004 at 5:32am | |
| Subject: In the sea of all grey pain I find myself confused. If it matters, at least at all, I never felt better being used. |
|
| Every thing on my mind I've already mentioned countless times before. Mainly, that dreaded over-emotional feeling somewhere near my stomach, a queasiness almost, of so many up and down emotions that everything feels shaken up and upside down, a twirling vortex of unnamed feelings mashed into a point right in the center of my torso. Like butterflies, I would imagine. I hate that feeling. An overly anxious, hiding the hyper, crazed feeling that compels me to lash out, yet holding it back makes me ever more anxious to the point where I would cry from hysteria just to scream it away. I'm exhausted and tired, but this horrible feeling from within will force the weariness aside and prolong my impatient insomnia, more than likely continue to satiate my coming insanity by tearing my exterior's tolerance asunder by the anxiety of a thousand faces. It's maddening, truly maddening, and it's foul and cruel. I wish no more of it. Only slumber can remove me from this wretched state. Sleep: my panacea. Sleep: my shelter. Sleep.. something I can't seem to get enough of. Am I excited? Of what? My hands are chilled, a repetitive pounding has found the inside of my skull, my bed keeps calling for me.. this is no time to be excited, but over what? I cannot be excited. I had a normal day. No, I see now. I had a bad day, how could I have forgotten? I went to pay respects to someone I had known; someone most of the town had known. Many people there wore bright colors and were smiling, some even laughing at what I could only imagine were the better times. I over-blacked it. My presence there was gloomy. I'm a disconsolate dresser, what can I say? But, despite over-blacking the occasion, the bigger picture was that the people were happy. The death was a blessing. No more suffering, so that is why they smiled. How could I have forgotten? Yes, I see. I went to the movies several hours after this, with a friend. Do I use the term friend a lot? Some days I don't consider some people as friends, but today I had one more friend. I wouldn't have called it a date but he insisted on paying for me. So I suppose it was. And we laughed during the movie, Dawn of the Dead, and we had a good time. Should I feel guilty for having a good time, on this day? I do, a little. I hate how I can think of something better, something sweet, when a day like this has befallen me. I'm sorry I'm not in complete mourning? No, I don't think I am. I shouldn't say I'm sorry, when I'm not. But I will miss her. And I will think of her. And I won't forget the affect she had on others, and on this town. Almost humourous.. though, the last thing I remember her fighting for was the very thing I contradicted, and prevented her from getting. That brings about a grim smile. She will get the park named after her. The park with the problem others and I caused her. Her funeral is tomorrow. I may or may not go. I shouldn't dwell on this any more. What else can I do until this feeling withers away so that I may rest? Waiting feels so long. I know. I will draw. I'm working on a comic book with an asshole. Pretty cool huh? My thoughts on that are relatively wasteful, but drawing alone shall suffice and put me to needed sleep, I hope. |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
mixtapesandmemories | 04-06-04 9:02pm I love reading the things you write and how you write. It's like a novel I would read...so very interesting. I hope all things are well and that's awesome about the comic book.
|