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chuckitatthewall (profile) wrote,
on 4-15-2004 at 12:45am
Subject: i'm too lazy to seperate this into paragraphs. l
i dont know what the hell is wrong with me! Right now I wanna tell the world to go fuck itself. I dont care about most people that I deal with everyday. Notice the "deal" part. Its cause i dont like them. I am forced to go along working around people. I feel like when I talk to certain people I have to walk on eggshells for fear of hurting their pathetically small amount of feelings. I hate living this dumb life right now. This part is going to sound SOOOOO stupid. I dont give a fuck what you think though. This week I've watched movies about these really cute relationships and like fairy tailish stuff and I wish so bad that stuff like that would actually happen to me. Funny thing is that IT WONT! NEVER! EVER EVER! NOTHING GOOD LIKE THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN! There are several reasons for this. number one is that i have glasses. UGLY! dumb stupid annoying glasses. Nobody likes a girl with glasses. Immediatly they assume that I am a nerd. I'M NOT NERDY! everyone has nerdy moments. I dont THINK that I have that many. If I'm wrong please feel free to burst my bubble. I dont give a shit. I need my bubble to burst if I'm wrong. Thing number 2 is that I'm shy. How can anything good happen if I never know what to say...if i never have anything to say. Maybe its not that I dont have anything to say, but that I'm afraid of what people will think of what I say so I just dont say anything at all. I think thats it. I want to be my self but I'm afraid of rejection. I dont remember the next reason but there are many more. This sounds terrible. I want to kill someone. I know exactly how I'd do it. Yet at the same time I NEVER would. Only out of self defense. I really dont think its worth spending the rest of your life in a jail cell for killing somebody you hate. Then after that its off to hell. The catholic church says that if you are truly sorry God will forgive you. I dont believe that. How can God forgive someone that killed someone else. Anyway, I've decided that I will not spend the rest of my life and after life being punished for one thing. I wish hiring a hit man wasnt a crime... So now I'll describe how I want to murder someone. Beating. Yup. Thats how I'd do it. No cutting or shooting. I'd need physical contact and lots of energy in it. Now that I've scared anyone who reads this.... I try not to fantacise (sp) about this but its really hard when I get pissed. REALLY hard. I suppose I wouldnt be like this if I hadnt been brought up with violence. My parents were always really rough with my sister, Michelle, when they thought she was just a behavior problem. They pulled her hair and hit her..pretty much anything to make her stop being bad. Shes been raped. Yup. SHe wouldnt tell anyone and then she started acting like she used to. She hit my other sister, Mary, and poured a gallon of milk on her. She threw stuff and broke it. She even let Scooter, Jessicas dog who we are dog sitting, get loose. WE FOUND HIM! I dont think Jessica will be happy to find that out. Sorry. My sister gets drunk a lot. Shes lied to my parents. Shes a fucked up dumbass. I hate her. If I ever do any of the shit she does I should hope that someone will beat me.
Wow..i'm tired. bye
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LoupGarou

04-18-04 4:32pm

When did that thing happen with your sister? She was just recently raped? That's so sad. She had a weird reaction to it though. Most people would cry and become very drawn into themselves, but she hurts other people and gets really pissed.

What are you mad about exactly? Can I be mad too?

lol How far did Scooter go? I'm not really mad; don't know why your sister would do that on purpose and that irks me a little, but as long as you found him, it's ok. He seemed like he had a very good time there.

I've been thinking a lot about our religion lately and how damn confusing it is. One minute it tells you to love God more than anyone and the next it tells you to fear him. How can you love someone more than anyone if you are afraid of him?
Not only that but it says that the Catholic God is a loving and merciful God. If that is true, then why is everybody all up in arms about how you can't be a sinner or you'll go to Hell. Why must we worry about these things like having to be good all our lives in order to get into Heaven, and then we wonder if we really have been good enough. What if, at some time we did something bad and that screwed up our whole chance? No one can be completely virtuous. I bet you even priests did bad things like look at porn on the internet when they were younger. (I know that was a weird example, but it's probably true). And what gives priests the right to listen to your sins and decide how much penance you need to do?
Oh yeah God works through them and tells them how much penance you need to do. Really? How come, then, when we took reconcilliation or however you spell it in the first or second grade, everyone had to do the same penance - 3 hail mary's or something like that. Our priest must have had a vision or a revelation alright.
And how do they expect us never to question God's existance or the promise of eternal life in Heaven? If we have no real reason to believe in such a thing or something has occured in our lives that makes us wonder, why shouldn't we be able to question it? I don't know if I'm going to live forever in Heaven or Hell or if my sould will be cast into another body and I will be riencarnated. Life just doesn't make any sense, and frankly, it pisses me off. What the hell are we here for? To make progressions and new discoveries? Oh yeah - for what? What are these progressions and discoveries going to lead up to in the end? Nothing of this will matter in the end. We're pretty much useless. maybe we were created for fun. Some sort of video game or something. I don't know. Nothing makes sense any more.

Thank you for listening to my ranting and I hope it wasn't too long.

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andy

04-26-04 5:22pm

Your $2.00USD has been received. Thank you.

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