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| silentcriez (profile) wrote, on 4-15-2004 at 8:30pm | |
| Current mood: depressed Music: i'm alright - twiztid Subject: u only saw the outside... u never knew what i was feeling |
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i dont know what to say.. i guess i feel as if i am already out of words to profess to u how i feel.. i just wish there was some way i could figure out how i honestly feel and project it fluently and freely woithout it sounding reheresed.. i cried liek hell today with liz n kels at johnson... talking about my issues... which there are many... i guess i just dont understand how a mother can walk out on her kids. i hope that i am never as self centered as her. i want to talk to her honestly i do but i know it would kill me if i ever really did. i would go to pick up the fone and here it ring listen to her answer.. in her overused secretary voice and hang up after a couple seconds of silence... i fel as if there is so much to say yet so few words to explain it. iw ould just freeze or start to cry i mean i dont understand how i feel i dont get it i mean im not talking to her because she doesnt udnerstand at all that what shes doing is wrong it makes me so angry because she leaves me these messages like "this is dumb its been 6 months wee need to talk" making it liek im teh one at fault. when its really her fault we dotn talk.. its fucking almost my birthday and im not even really excited.. how sad is that.. ill prolly just end up spending the day cryign my eyes out wishing mom would come back. i have been having trouble sleeping lately ill lay up and i see this image of myself spinning in my head when i lay in bed at night and its just me looking at myself in a picture.. liek one of those big pictures that they put by ur casket at a funeral.. and i look at it and the eyes are closed. teh portals to my soul... gone liek i was blind to everything and theres like this voice in the back telling me whats going on.. so then i walk over to the casket and i look in and its me laying there pale and white and i bend down to kneel like u do at a wake.. and the body reaches out and grabs my wrist and starts to cry. and i ask it why its crying and it says nothing...then the image fades out and theres leikt his huge movie screen projecting fuzzy black words and i cant read them so i run forward trying to make out what it says and i get close enough and it says time.. and the letters crumble to nothing and i wake up. i dont know exactly what this means... it kinda scares me.. im afraid of what i am becoming and why i am the wya i am .... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr why cant things be easy i want so badly just for things to be ok... just for once be ok... iceyhott1769: its like u think you're running out of time iceyhott1769: i told my shrink all about it iceyhott1769: they said "you fear you are running out of time with the things you love the most and your life is about to take a drastic turn, you just dont know what the future holds and you're afraid" *theres a voice inside my head telling me to get some sleep because tomorrow might be good* this dark pain this empty emotion it flows within my heart and beats violently... the rain washes away the tears but these scars remain forever open every night i rip them open violently... senses unleashed in the heat of the night lust enveloping my every move you rip my clothes of violently... as thunder claps and lightning fills teh sky my world is shaken violently... these pale eyes will be awaken with the dawning of the day my sleep is broken violently... in depth you speak and your words cut like a knife they peirce my skin violently... --------------------- im frozen here in front of you bleeding for all to see wont you love me? and kiss me too... ill pray for lust to shine on me my kisses arent enough for you werent good enough for what you had in mind you took a taste and walked away but im still in your veins dancing upon your skin frozen like the crystals floating in the air patterins so detailed not one is the same is my heart the one at fault? am i teh one to blame? i guess its my stupidity shouldnt have trusted you at all i should not have counted on you to capture my fall so freeze me and foregt me preserve me for another day in my dreams well be together hurry, before i melt away ----------------------- these roads begin to spiral into eachother can you feel the wind in your hair? wandering freely the blue bird lurks there feilds and medows tainted with the sins of teh past sun once so bright stains skin red withe the blood of the night dripping with envy feinding for hate segrigation has found me knocking upon heavens gate love me for a moment for once let me smile kiss my lips... release love toxic and vile |
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whispers-to-a-scream | 04-15-04 8:51pm I'd love to tell you that things will get better, and I know how you feel..but I don't, and I can't make promises I don't control.
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