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| silentcriez (profile) wrote, on 4-21-2004 at 4:58pm | |
| Music: mad world - gary jules |
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| Dear Mom… It’s my birthday today and I sit here and write this to you, tears streaming word after word. And I don’t know why it is I sit here and do this when I could be anywhere else... I could have been anyone else to you. Anyone else you didn’t care about. I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I feel no need to explain what I’m saying you weren’t at all able to give an explanation to me. A reason rectifying all you’ve done. It is not that I hate you. But that I love you so much that it hurts. I want so bad to hate you because I wouldn’t be sitting here crying if I didn’t care. It just stuns me how a person who is forever supposed to be there for you can just get up and walk away when I need them most. And I don’t get how you can sit and act oblivious to the reason I am angered. It’s not my own stubborn habits which tear us apart it’s your fault and I will not be blamed for my lack of parental guidance, and all of my failure. You leave me here crying constantly… you know for a week after you left I didn’t know where you were… no one even bothered to tell me you were gone. I guess I just put two and two together. You spared yourself the pain of saying goodbye and just left. You are incredibly selfish and a weak person. I am stronger than you will ever be, and 10 times the person you are. And I learned nothing good that I will keep with me from you, nothing. There are stupid quizzes and things, asking who has always been there for me... and I can honestly say that no one has always been there. They always end up leaving me. You know I am the most unhappy child that you will ever know. I hurt all the time, I always have and it kills that you take none of the blame. You don’t own up to what you have done you just leave it.. And never write back never tell me how I can stop hurting because I just want it to go away. I don’t want to be sad anymore. You think I want to spend my birthday crying in my room. If that’s honestly what you think you need to get help… what teenage girl wants to sit and cry all the time. And I just ask myself all the time what did I do in order to deserve this? I wasn’t a bad person I was nice to everyone I tried not to be selfish... and tried to help all the time. Where did I do wrong... what is my great flaw. Why am I rejected and despondent. I just want answers... before I can recover I must understand. And I question all that you do. So it is not for far too long until I may be happy again. Your presents will not buy my love, it will only fuel my gun… help me rectify all ive done and said. Tell myself these tears do fall for someone who cares... but I shouldn’t cry anymore shouldn’t waste my emotions on a person who could care less about me. I mean when it comes down to it, I’m dead to you. We don’t talk, don’t write, and don’t see each other. What more do you need. You don’t understand how you’re wrong, you don’t get that what you did was unacceptable. And that is why I’m not speaking with you… get brains and think. Maybe once you understand why I’m angry you can try and earn back my respect… - Amanda |
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whispers-to-a-scream | 04-21-04 8:50pm Amanda honey!
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