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| onceagainistandalone (profile) wrote, on 4-25-2004 at 4:15am | |
| here is something i wrote tonight. its about the last time i did acid. LSD saved me from those who didn't want me to be me. I don't know if you knew this, but that candy you gave me was the best I ever had. I don't know if you even remember, but that night we talked for 4 or 5 hours. Those 4 or 5 hours contained a lifetime of thought. Those hours will be encapsulated in my mind for as long as I live. We talked about getting into heaven, and how when the people who worked at the shelters described it, it sounded like a board game or something. We talked about being homeless, and how quickly you learned all the little tricks to make it bearable. I was split into pieces that night though, because while we were talking I was having conversations with several different versions of myself. In the midst of all that conversation and inner monolouge I finished my journey to the top of Mazlow's pyramid. SELF ACTUALIZATION. Standing high atop that pyramid, I knew the meaning of my life...the age old cliche of those who enjoy the occasional chemical induced expansion of the mind. I don't care if it's cliche though, because my life wasn't meant for me to worry. My life doesn't exist to have someone tell me how I should live it. My life...My life was meant for me to live it. I was meant to play music and do drugs and write and smoke ciggarettes and actually find the girl that I can officially call my other half and finally decide that anyone that tries to stop any of this is going to realize that now they have one less friend, one less brother, one less son. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you any of this that night, but after all those thoughts crossed my mind, I became completely entranced by what appeared in front of me. A stone pillar, obviously the remenant of some ancient culture. I could tell it was ancient because there were vines wrapped around it and moss and vegetation were growing out of cracks in the rock. There was a group of people crowded around the pillar and I realized it must be an idol representing the god that created them. I knew they weren't worshipping the idol because I could see the tears flowing from their eyes and I could tell by the tone of their cries that they were desperate cries for forgiveness...and the longer I watched, the more I came to know about the people and their creator. They were begging to be forgiven and spared the punishment he was going to inflict on them. They were being punished because they had committed one of the greatest sins in the eyes of their god. They had done nothing with their lives other than dedicate them to worshiping him. He didn't want them to be the self enslaved blind followers they had become. He didn't want them to spend their whole lives praying and worshiping. He wanted them to utilize the mind they had been given and embrace the beauty and the challange and the hardships and the joy of being a completely unique organism capable of free thought and the ability question its own existance. I'm eternally grateful for those hours we spent together that night. Talking with you opened my eyes to alot, but inside I had thoughts and ideas and realizations I didn't even know I was capable of having. I completely changed my perspective on the existance of some form of a higher power that night, and I decided that I was going to follow through on that idea of "living life for the sole purpose of being alive" for the rest of my life. I don't know if you remember that night, but I do. I remember how it changed me. And I remember how I have remained changed. And I can never be the same friend. And I can never be the same enemy. And I can never be the same lover. And I can never be the same brother. And I can never be the same son. And I can never be the same. ---- so yeah..thats that. I'll talk more tomorrow, im kind of typed out right now. |
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radioradiohead | 04-26-04 9:35pm new sn on aim if you want to talk sometime; matt.
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