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| mle (profile) wrote, on 4-25-2004 at 7:28pm | |
| Current mood: . detached . Music: . computer fan humming . Subject: |
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i'm busy as all-get-out (whatever that overused phrase is supposed to mean), but other than that... the whole detached and depressed thing is overwhelmingly still present. in fact, it is growing. at an exponentially increasing rate. and that's never a good thing. but i don't know... i play this little game with marcus.. where i call him when i feel poopy, thinking that connecting to him over a cell phone is going to make me feel less alone and *poof* magically he'll want me to confess it all and *poof* magically i'll want to dump it all. and then everything will be happy again. alas, this is never so. instead, these conversations include lots of silence, "so...", and "hi." he's told me before how easy it is to tell my mood by my voice... or even, why the hell i am so dissatisfied, ashamed, and depressed all of the time? especially when so many people would love to be in the academic and extracuricular positions that i am in, him included. why? i don't know. and so often, it's this lack of interrogation or interest/curiosity that drives me up the wall. i call because i want to talk. i want you to want me to talk. but you never do. you just sit there like the lump on a log that you are, presuming that it's okay to waste minutes on silence. and how i wish i could throw you away. if i hadn't thrown away my entire life outside of you, school, and work/volunteering/extracuriccular-stuff, i would be able to. but, alas, i have nothing. therefore i have nothing to thrown away. don't waste your time you won't find anything - or were you sent to save me? i've thought too much you won't find anything worthy of redeeming . afi . the leaving song part 2 . |
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spud | 04-26-04 12:12am it's been awhile.
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