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| robbingnovember (profile) wrote, on 1-15-2003 at 4:08pm | |
| Current mood: sick and invisible Music: 'mister cellophane' and 'Congratulations you're beautiful' Subject: It's me against the world [Night swimming deserves a quiet night, I'm not sure all these people understand] |
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| I should have written before when i was more emotional about the topic, but oh well. It probably won't come out the way i want it to. It never does. I write everything but whats on my mind. On another note [disclaimer]: i might write things in here that some people might take offense to or not agree with or just laugh at, but you chose to read my journal. I'm done censoring myself, for the most part. And i'm probably not sorry. To begin with [everything], last night i had a complete emotional breakdown. The tears would not stop flowing. Sometimes you think about one thing and it opens all these closet doors and skeletons fall all over the place. And i don't know what i want to say anymore. Have you ever felt like you don't matter? I think that's is what I am getting at. I went to rock the river yesterday. The icing on the cake, a guy that i've been infatuated with (from afar) since 6th grade bumped into me and just kept on going. No sorry. (Do you know how long I've been trying to get his attention?) Am i invisible!? And that's not all.. not even close. [of course not] It's everything, its every day, it is everybody. And i can't think of anybody who i haven't hated at one time or another. There are so many times when i think it would be best to seclude myself and never have anyone because then i would never have to deal with anything and i could just sit and listen to music and not have to worry about whos feelings i am hurting or who, specifically, is hurting mine. Also, I saw Ken last night and Dammit if it didn't get to me like it always does because it always does. I almost convinced myself that i hate him, but during my late night crying session i realized that i don't hate him, i hate how he makes me feel. Completely inferior. Completely invisible. I hate that feeling [so much]. I've known him for about 5 years and he doesn't even notice I am there. All he ever does i pay attention to Stacey. And she soaks it up. That's why i never leave my house, because that is what i have to deal with all the time. [not just with Ken] And no one understands, even though they think they do. It's not like it happens sometimes it happens all the time. I'm crazy and I make competition in my head that no one knows about except for me. I set myself up for failure because it's always a losing battle. It's always those people that i wish would notice me that look right past me (or right next to me for that matter.)Maybe the guy in charge of my life lost his glasses about 15 years ago and all my wishes end up happening to people a couple of feet away from me. It kills me to see others having what i want. I always give my heart away and i always care to much and i never get anything in return. I know that i am the only one who even cares, only because everyone trivializes my problems. Basically, i hate everyone. No one cares enough to change. And i can site so many other examples of people who just look right past me and it sickens me. I don't know anymore, i lost my train of thought. Sorry for taking up your time Just forget me its that simple |
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justlikeyouimagined | 01-15-03 7:40pm you are gonna die for goin wihtout me.. and we must kill stacey. it is the only way. shes goin down. all we have to do is torch her face. then we will be fine bruhahaha |