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	moana (profile) wrote, on 5-12-2004 at 12:31pm
Current mood: cough
right. so i went to the doctor's this morning, missed most of first period, drama. after that was over, i don't really remember much of the rest of the day. my motor skils waver and i tend to be more giggly than is appropriate. i managed to get through the day, though, with only faint memory of being unable to tie my shoe. by physics, last period, i had managed to calm myself and sober up. doppler effect can do that to you. i left physics, feeling a lot better, but still somewhat unbalanced. leahy gave me grief for inapropriate behavior shakes head and i've been hearing stories about lunch that i simply do not remember. after school was... interesting. all i wanted to do was lie down and weep. but i didn't picked myself up, plastering myself over everything that had ap enis, and some things that didn't coughCATHYcough. andy noticed, but blag got a kick out of repeating "you're high" at every chance he got. it bothered me, but he didnt stop no matter how many times i denied it. how i wanted to beat him, but something about my shoes and i can't remember how to tie them... so yeah... we went to the roof, we started kissing, then he stopped. he said it wasn't such a good idea. he said he didn't want me to do anything i'd regret. he said he didn't want to take advantage. i felt sick and started shivering when he told me all that stuff. how was i supposed to feel? irresponsible? high? weak? maybe i was supposed to feel grateful? so thankful for my noble boyfriend who wouldn't take advantage. i didn't really feel that way. i was just kind of angry at him. so i said "forget it," pickedu p and walked away. he followed, we sat, we watched the plays, we laughed. we flirted, tickled one another, but he knew i was hurt. he caught me staring at him once and when he turned to look at me i didn't look away. he tried to joke, said "you look freaky" but i didn't say anything. i jsut turned to face the stage and kept my mouth shut. i was silent the way i knew he expected me to be. if i was happy i was high, if i was sobered i was still high. so i kept my mouth shut. i regret that now. whatever though, too late. i jsut wish people could put some faith in my ability to decide. it's not like i'm insane. AC pissed me off too. she took me aside at lunch, telling me "what the fuck are you doing? you're acting fucking insane!" i wanted to beat the shit out of her. i remember that. so i avoided her for a while, but i had class with her next. it's jsut been a hard day. i had to keep yelling at people i wasn't high. they must have thought i was kidding. it doesn't matter anyway. so i got a little uninhibited, so i have some major memory gaps of the past few days, i don't care. i jsut wish people would stop acting like i'm incapable of doing anything for myself. i'm not on drugs, i don't need you to take away dangrous tools from around me. maybe i'll expose myself a bit, but i won't do anything i'd regret. it's hard to get people to see that sometimes.
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hellborn

05-12-04 1:53pm

Hey, if you remember (which you probably don't), YOU'RE the one that mentioned the insanity, and I'm the one that said "you're not insane".

I wasn't trying to treat you like a child, but you couldn't walk right, and it's only logical that your friends would start worrying about you when you're not completely 'there'.

And remember what we talked about in Arabic? You said you knew when to "stop". I believed you then. Maybe you should have told him that too.

I don't know, Jo.

<3

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moana

Re:, 05-13-04 4:49pm

he wanted to feel noble, so i let him. whatever, if it gave him the satisfaction of going home, lying awake thinking how he did the right thing, then good for him. i won't take that satisfaction away. it's true, i don't really remember a lot of the day, but i do know i don't want to be handled like i'm incapable of saying "no". i have boundaries, even when i'm doped.

ESPECIALLY when i'm doped. it's not directed at you, it's not your fault, i'm just getting upset thinking about it.

(reply to comment)

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	moana (profile) wrote, on 5-12-2004 at 12:31pm
Current mood: cough
right. so i went to the doctor's this morning, missed most of first period, drama. after that was over, i don't really remember much of the rest of the day. my motor skils waver and i tend to be more giggly than is appropriate. i managed to get through the day, though, with only faint memory of being unable to tie my shoe. by physics, last period, i had managed to calm myself and sober up. doppler effect can do that to you. i left physics, feeling a lot better, but still somewhat unbalanced. leahy gave me grief for inapropriate behavior shakes head and i've been hearing stories about lunch that i simply do not remember. after school was... interesting. all i wanted to do was lie down and weep. but i didn't picked myself up, plastering myself over everything that had ap enis, and some things that didn't coughCATHYcough. andy noticed, but blag got a kick out of repeating "you're high" at every chance he got. it bothered me, but he didnt stop no matter how many times i denied it. how i wanted to beat him, but something about my shoes and i can't remember how to tie them... so yeah... we went to the roof, we started kissing, then he stopped. he said it wasn't such a good idea. he said he didn't want me to do anything i'd regret. he said he didn't want to take advantage. i felt sick and started shivering when he told me all that stuff. how was i supposed to feel? irresponsible? high? weak? maybe i was supposed to feel grateful? so thankful for my noble boyfriend who wouldn't take advantage. i didn't really feel that way. i was just kind of angry at him. so i said "forget it," pickedu p and walked away. he followed, we sat, we watched the plays, we laughed. we flirted, tickled one another, but he knew i was hurt. he caught me staring at him once and when he turned to look at me i didn't look away. he tried to joke, said "you look freaky" but i didn't say anything. i jsut turned to face the stage and kept my mouth shut. i was silent the way i knew he expected me to be. if i was happy i was high, if i was sobered i was still high. so i kept my mouth shut. i regret that now. whatever though, too late. i jsut wish people could put some faith in my ability to decide. it's not like i'm insane. AC pissed me off too. she took me aside at lunch, telling me "what the fuck are you doing? you're acting fucking insane!" i wanted to beat the shit out of her. i remember that. so i avoided her for a while, but i had class with her next. it's jsut been a hard day. i had to keep yelling at people i wasn't high. they must have thought i was kidding. it doesn't matter anyway. so i got a little uninhibited, so i have some major memory gaps of the past few days, i don't care. i jsut wish people would stop acting like i'm incapable of doing anything for myself. i'm not on drugs, i don't need you to take away dangrous tools from around me. maybe i'll expose myself a bit, but i won't do anything i'd regret. it's hard to get people to see that sometimes.
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