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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 5-20-2004 at 5:13pm | |
| Current mood: spiritual awe Music: pRAisE bE :_: coURaGE RiLEY Subject: WOW ... |
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| whoa. god is so ridiculously, incredibly, majestically, unfathomably amazing. yesterday, wednesday, i fasted for the day, and it ended in a success (with the exception of subliminally eating two spearmint skittles). not only that, but ... whoa. words just can't describe how my day was. i'm so unimaginably thankful to god for what he gave me yesterday, and what he continues to give me, to which i normally return with nothing but a shrug of the shoulders. yesterday i realized how much god gives me - my church, my brothers and sisters in christ, my homelife, my freedoms, my decisions - and i give him nothing. i had really been in the spiritual pits, and decided that i would give fasting another try. god just completely opened my eyes. i'm still utterly amazed - i went to wednesday church, which is basically 100% meditation, prayer, and worship, and i guess i (with god's mighty help) realized how much it hurts god - i mean everything i do that cries disobedience and misrepresentation of the truth, the word, the life ... it just hit me like a ton of bricks. imagine your best friend stabbing you in the back over and over again. that's what it feels like to jesus everytime you and i say something the least bit offensive, because he knows that everybody else knows that we are christians, and every bad thing that comes from our mouths or body language or whatever is completely devoid of him. it's the old us, speaking again. the part of us that wants to come back, the part that was dead before salvation, the part that greedily satisfies us. things just came one after the other - last night, tim came up and started to talk about real worship, saying he wasn't sure that all of us understood what it was, that it's completely for god and not ourselves; we were created to worship and love him in EVERYTHING we do, 24/7, for lifetime - and worship isn't always physically singing and bowing down. it's dying to self and walking like jesus once did - following his ways to please him, because he loves us and ... you guys, he loves us. i was afraid that i would be caught in the moment, because emotions do that far too often. but that night i realized and felt fully the truth and the meaning of worship, and it felt so great - i knew worship was not to please me, but it did anyway because i was pleasing god. and pleasing god on any day of the week pleases me as well. =D i just felt so free to worship, to let go for god, because he was leading me to this amazing truth that just ... changed me. i hit myself for ever thinking about giving up the fast - i mean, come on: a day of discovering god's truth and being pure, or ... food?? i mean, let's be rational ... also, before church, i decided to sit with danny, anthony, and chris at lunch. that's always refreshing - in a funny, tranquil kinda way, lol. they are wonderful brothers, they are. i feel like i can chill with a bunch of guys and not have to feel uncomfortable because i know they are all my family. but after that awesome church service, i went home, should've read the bible more, but didn't, then went to bed later. of course, i couldn't get to sleep - don't know why, but it's been like that lately - and then another thing came crashing down on me, something so completely amazing that i just had to totally lose it. but before i tell you about that, i have to give you the poem i wrote for a poetry portfolio for lit class (that will soon be song-ified): "My Child" And I remember Hot summer days And cool nights Down cities with street lights, Ever-illuminating A lost, lost sky. And that lost sky, That oblivion you once told me of, warned me of - that oblivion I once lived - was gone, gone gone ... When I found you. But who said this life was easy? I’m brand new, a baby. It would be nice if things were perfect, But then where would faith be? So, honestly - Truthfully - I stumble, I get weak, with no person to comfort me but You. And why do I even start, why do I even talk, when I know You know everything? There are times when the world gets the best of me, and I find myself human again. I guess I’ll just have to learn to trust You, because I know my eternity is more important than this. Sometimes I need some healing - And I let those tears loose, Let 'em fall, let 'em fall, and I don't even have to wait for that sweet embrace because it's been waiting for me. And You answer - with that soft voice that echoes, vibrates in my heart and courses through my veins - “My child, my child - tomorrow will be better.” And You kick the sandals off Your feet and You begin to run to me before I even turn around. And I run to you, shouting - Father, Abba, Father - today is better. and that's the complete version. well anyway, continuing on, that poem just smacked me square in the face and i started to cry ... for in that moment, i realized that i had lived that moment. i had turned away from god, been in the spiritual pits and had definitely felt it, and then when i decided to turn around ... god was standing right there. i was already in his arms. i realized that all his promises, he fulfills. he told me that tomorrow would be better, and it was. that tomorrow was better. that today is better. i just cried in complete awe and happiness, thanking god, holding my hands up in the air, all the while lying in my bed, in the dark. and i said, thank you, thank you lord ... i love you, so much - and i'm so sorry that i hurt you, lord, so sorry ... at that moment, i started a brand and fresh new day, 12 o'clock at night. and at that moment - before that moment, even - i was forgiven. i was rescued. so much love in the loving father, au†umn |
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| Anonymous | 05-20-04 11:30pm How to post a picture:
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aushpog | Re:, 06-17-04 8:17pm thank you verryyyy much |