Add Memory | Add To Friends
mudpiegrl (profile) wrote,
on 5-20-2004 at 7:23pm
Current mood: confused
Subject: "excuse me, but could you please help me find my way?"
so ive been thinking, which is not necessarily (that doesnt look right?) a good thing, because, as im sure you know, thoughts of mine are, well, over animalized. yes, animalized...because i dont over anylize...but rip and shred all thoughts, squish and stick until pryed. Although not necessarily (god damn it!) negative, still....bad.

im sure you remember the hul situation- and if you dont well...

i went out with hul-ay for three and a half months, but before we broke up (which was my doing), he began to break down. he, well, i guess, went nuts for a time. he refused to shower or brush his hair or teeth and didnt eat. he stopped being bouncy, fun hul for a whole two weeks. Everyone was worried about him. he just moped and wouldnt talk to anyone. so one day i went to talk to him...and i dont know if i did any good but what he told me is that he had given up. he was sick of trying to be aliveanimate, so i suppose he stopped trying to hide a sort of depression... and i dont know, it was depressing to me to see him like that- not only becasue i liked him and knew him as a happy person, but because i began to feel it was my fault.

so now, this is the issue:

Mr. Neil is beginning to not be happy neil. i have never known neil, in a year and a half, to be brought down for more than a day. and its happening to him. and i dont know what to do, because he doesnt seem to want to talk to me or be around me, and im sure no one else has noticed cuz i think he tries to be hyper to show off some. and yea...hes just not neil like at all and im worried...

so im wondering if you'll answer this question:

do i or have i depressed or upset any of you for more than an hour or so?

i know i have the ability (heh) tendancy to piss you off or upset you. but to the point where you lose all hope?

::sigh:: yea i dont know...this would be the sixth time that things have happened immediatly after or around the time that im hanging out with the person, either one day or in general time (weeks). yea...so...if you could, please...
Post A Comment

Jaganshi

05-20-04 9:19pm

You don't upset me at all, if that makes you feel any better. I happen to like ya.

(reply to this)

mudpiegrl

Re:, 05-21-04 1:16am

hehe thankies...you are awesome as well


(reply to comment)

loserxdork

05-20-04 10:00pm

your font is very small. is there any possibility that you can make it bigger so my little eyes may read your entries without going blind? haha.

<33 you

(reply to this)

toki

05-22-04 1:16pm

I honestly don't think Hul and Neil are your fault. I can't say though, I don't know what they think. If you're that worried, talk to them. Or just Neil. It's the only way to know for sure...and do something about it. But you know that.

And no, you haven't depressed me for more then an hour or so. I usually come to you when I'm depressed and pooey and you give me a good sense of reality. Which honesty is much more uplifting at times.

And yeah, I think that sometimes your honesty can depress people. It makes people not be able to hide from the facts. But that it the only thing that upsets people.

I like that though. The truth is better then a thousand lies in my opinion.

And losing all hope? Once again, what you say may factor in, but it's their own doing and a million other things that feed in.

I dont know. Just my thinking.

(reply to this)

itsallpeachy13

05-22-04 9:05pm

ok jorie. so this is lisa. and i bet you're a little nervous to see what i have to say. but i have thought about you some recently, and not in a "oh, i hate you" way. actually, its more like a "what was i mad at her about again?" and the answer is im not really sure. i think it was cause you happened to be brutally honest at a time when i was painfully sensitive and it just drove me over the edge. but really, you didn't have any way of knowing how fragile i was at those particular moments. and im not the best at forgiveness, as i have realized in the past few months. which is very hypocritical of me, yes i know, because i always want people to forgive me. and i think it kinda bothered me that you always seemed to be giving me advice, when sometimes i didn't really want anyone to tell me what to do or that all my problems are my own fault, because although that might sometimes be true, it still hurts to hear, and sometimes i realize it already and sometimes i dont. but when i do know something, it kills me inside. and pushes me closer to the edge, i suppose you could say hypothetically. and when i feel hurt, i lose a lot of trust in people, not necessarily because they knowingly hurt me, but because i never want to be hurt again cause it feels so terrible so i withdraw so they cant touch me. and when i feel like i might hurt someone, i do the same thing. because if i hurt someone, they will turn around and hurt me, and then it will just grow exponentially worse. i think i kinda lost my focus here of whatever i was saying. i do that alot in my writing. kinda hurts my grades. so anyway. i dont know exactly what i want from this; like, i kdont know why im saying all this. i dont know if im seeking reconciliation or not. cause it seem slike i wouldn't say all this unless i wanted to fix everything and be your best friend. but i dont think id be able to go that far, so dont be offended if i cant transition to friend instantaneously or anything. honestly, you intimidate me because you always seem so happy and secure. and that can be kinda hard to relate to sometimes. so anyway..... i have no idea what i was trying to say. so if you like, you may disregard all of this. maybe it would be better that way. i suppose i should just delete this, but no, i dont care enough about it being bad to bother deleting it all, especially when it took me soo long to write. so im tired. so bye.

(reply to this)

mudpiegrl

Re:, 05-23-04 2:43pm

thanks lisa, i really respect that you said that.

you shouldnt be intimidated though, because things arent always waht they seem...

you, to me, always seem to never care, although i know you do...

i, to you, always seem happy...but im not so much. its just easier for me to let things go.

so thank you...ill talk to you in the hallways and probably lots during the summer..

(reply to comment)
barbedvelvet

Re: Re:, 05-27-04 11:15pm

jorie, you know about me, and the one thing I'll always love you is that you were there for me the one time I needed someone the most...in the freezing cold after fire therapy waiting for the end of my life to arrive and you were there to calm me down...lord knows how I can ever repay you for that. unfortunately, we've grown apart and that kills me to tears almost every night b/c I love you and will always love you for all you've done for me: support/laughter/ crazy comfort! I hope we can get close again and I know this is typical, but I mean it with all of my soul when I say that I will be here for you no matter what and I will always look out for the best for you. I'm sorry about this continuous "bringing down" situation w/ your boyfriends, but I am praying it won't last with Neil; you two are one of the coolest couples I have ever known and I'm looking forward to introducing you two to my "eventual" boyfriend (should I have one) and showing how strong you two really are. best of luck in the future. and I love you, honestly.

(reply to comment)

mudpiegrl

Re: Re: Re:, 05-31-04 1:49pm

thanks...im sorry...its tough not being in a class

also i dont do a whole lot of hanging out...

well try this summer okie!?


(reply to comment)