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| mizu87 (profile) wrote, on 5-22-2004 at 11:54pm | |
| Current mood: depressed |
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| I cried for I bet 10 minutes straight just now. It was while I was playing Mrs. Pac Man with my mother. We where talking about .. Arizona. And .. I just.. when I think about staying here.. and not being able to get away from this place.. these people.. I can't help but cry... I'm just rotting away here.. there is nothing.. for me here.. no one.. nothing.. no education.. nothing.. music.. no art... .. that's all I'm about.. music and art.. I want to be in a band again so much.. and I mean orchestral music. I couldn't believe how warm my tears where.. I wasn't .. crying loudly I was just playing.. and the tears kept rolling down.. I didn't try to stop them.. but I didn't think they'd last as long as they did. Father had gone to bed.. I only stoped crying when my brother got out of his room got some food and sat on the couch with mother.. I didn't want to cry near him. Father and I had a talk eairer today.. and everytime I try to talk about this place about my perspectives.. I always end up crying. So it was really hard talking to him and not crying.. I almost did.. I'm sure he could hear it in my voice too. He asked about Martika .. she called this morning and said she was working tonight so I'm working tomorrow night.. I think Jon is working.. I hope so anyway.. I want to see him.. want to talk to him.. .. I told dad that I had no friends.. sure they think I do because I hang out with them call them and spend the night.. but.. it's just something to do because there is nothing else to do... father understood.. he said he was glad.. Glad that I was like him.. he said that he was like that when he was a kid.. never had any real friends, just people he hung out with... he said that was good.. and that it's alright you'll make it... that's what he told me.. .. I wanted to cry.. I dont' want to be like that.. I want.. to find someone who'll understand me.. who has the same mind set as me.. I can't stand all these closed minds here.. no one can see the big picture.. maybe I'm just a dreamer but... I just can't stand it here... Mom said she is not going to rent again.. we have so many loans.. that's what's sucking all our money up.. that and car paments.. Our House payment is only $300 something a Month! Does anyone know how cheap that is? You couldn't rent a 3 bedroom house for that amount.. what does that tell you about this place? Why was this place so cheap? Because it's in the middle of no where and it's small... I did nothing today.. there is nothing to eat either.. And this time I mean NOTHING. I've been hungry all day.. everyone has... I know dad doesn't eat so we can.. but.. he doesn't have to worrie about that because there is nothing to eat for anyone.. we are out of everthing... .. I couldnt' believe it.. there WAS nothing to eat.. wait I'm saying WAS.. I mean there IS nothing to eat. I woke up this morning, grabbed 2 cookies and a yogert thing and that's what I ate for breakfast.. immidately I got a horible stomach ache.. damn I swear I'm better off not eating. My stomach always acts up. Better hungry then walking and having to double over in pain. I went to the kitchen and cooked the last 5 eggs, hoping some real food would settle my stomach. I told dad that today I would be greedy and gave him 2 eggs and 3 for myself.. that and I drank as much water as I could.. sometimes my stomach likes that. It was hard to stand and cook with my stomach feeling as it did.. it was even harder eating but.. the eggs and water helped.. .. I had the last corn dog.. who knows what my dad had to eat. Mom was at work and I have no clue where my brother was.. maybe in his room but I never saw him. Mom got home and cooked some noodles and put butter and garlic on them.. that's what dinner was.. that and about 3 sodas today.. which also kill my stomach but is better then having flavorless water.. that and I made myself some hott tea.. and had a couple more cookies here and there and that's all I had today... Father won't take me into DDR town because we have no money.. mom said that we need to go to simens tomorrow and get $25 over and go buy food.. hell that aint' gonna buy shit.. SHIT! I just want to go play DDR .. that's all I want.. God.. I've been bored all day.. there is nothing to do here.. just thinking abou there makes me want to cry.. I'm making it more and more clear to my parents that they know NOTHING about me.. NOTHING about how I am.. who I am.. I've decided that I'll do more then my best in school once it starts.. I'll fucking ace EVERYTHING that way.. I can go anywhere I fucking want... I asked mom what the age was where you can live on your own with your parents concent.. it's at 16.. I'm almost 17 and she said she woudln't let me live on my own, that she already has enough stress... well.. If I get bad enough they'll want to get ride of me.. the'll be forced to. I told mother that I didn't want to live without them but it would be better then living HERE with them. I think she is finnaly seeing how much I hate it here. I just know.. that if I try.. to talk about any of this to Jon.. I'll break out in tears.. and I sure as hell dont' want him to see me cry.. I dont' want anyone to see me cry but... .. I just can't stand it... When I was talking to dad.. I told him that I was more mature then he thought I was.. he asked me how so.. and I told him that I get up on my own and do eveyrthign else without anyoen telling me to.. he said that maturity was doing the dishes and keeping my room clean (i never to the dishes or keep my room clean) and then he said.. in a serious voice.. that i rarely hear but know so well .. "I know... I'm very proud of you. I know you are a good kid. Your actions might be questionable sometimes, but you're a good kid" ... I asked him if he trusted my judgement in friends.. Meaning Jonathin.. I know he knows I'm not stupid.. and I think he does trust my judgment it's just that I'm his only girl now.. really the only child.. but.. he just can't let me go.. because if my judgment was wrong... and he trusted it.. he would feel it was his fault.. Him and my brother are.. acting more like father and son.. they had never been close never getting alone .. only talking when the other was in the way... My brother got a job at Goodyear.. he worked a 7 to 7 just yesterday.. 12 hours.. dad is pround. My brother might quite college and go full time there... he gets paid like $8 or more an hour... .. All I can think about is Arizona.. and a new house.. new people.. adventure.. education.. Japanese... Music.. Art.. My parents being happy.. having company over.. us going out to eat like we used to... ... just the 3 of us... ... .. and when I think that I can't have that... I just want to throw a fit and cry... Dad said that I'm up for a rude awakening.. .. I've thought of everythign already.. mom said that there was something I needed to understand... that I needed to understand that they are gettin older and want to have their own house and are comfortable here and dont' want to live in a crowded place.. and this and that.. I just got pissed.. I told her .. 'mom you need to understand that I already know this' I"m not stupid.. i told her that .. my brother and sister had them when they were alot younger then they are now.. back when their bodies could do stuff.. they don't understand how aweful I feel.. having father take me places when I see it exsausts him.. I told her that... and at that point.. I knew I had finnaly gotten to her.. she finnaly realized.. that.. I had nothign here... that they couldn't do anything for me either.. that they needed to let me go.. they can't keep up with me anymore... .. That's something they have to understand. ... LATER Date: May 22, 2004 Time: 2:10 AM Mood: curious Guess what! I found a worm on our computer! I thought it was so awesome when I found it. It has it's own little Icon and everything. I researced it kinda and I most likely got it from e-mail or something. The file name I found it under was: UPWIZUN some other bugs I found are: CatRoot which is supposed to be a trojan backdoor, meaning our computer was hacked and it gives that hacker complete access t our computer 24/7. And WAB which is also a worm that gets into Aol Address Book and sends a copy of itself to everyone in it. And anything pss is a worm or something I forgot but we have like 200 and something folders of it -.-' that and WSH forgot what it was but it's a Trojan I think like that WAB was... MAILNEWS which is a worm that When executed, the infected program opens a window entitled Happy New Year 1999 !! and shows a fireworks display to disguise its installation. God that is cool I think. But yea go to this site and type in a folders name or something you think might be fishy and this'll tell ya about it. Awesome: http://www.symantec.com/search/ Yea that's it My eyes are sore.... I'm going to bed.. and I'm hungry... Ja~ |
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jahreee | 05-23-04 12:23am I haven't been on in a few days so forgive me if I just pass up your other journals. Interesting as they may be, I'm a bit tired to be reading all of them right now. I read this one though, so now I comment.
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mizu87 | Re:, 05-23-04 3:06am There is no fucking way I am staying here through Highschool!
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